Join me for basic yoga classes Fridays at 9 a.m. just south of the Neptune Lifeguard Tower, @ Hermosa/Manhattan Beach border: Sept. 18 – Dec. 18, 2015. Suggested donation: $10, but ALL are welcome!
There is nothing better than listening to the steady crash of the ocean, feeling the pacific breeze in your hair, watching a few surfers or dolphins float by as you flow, sweat, and breathe deeply into intentions that ignite your soul. What a way to start off the weekend too?! Lets beat the heat together. All that is needed is your yoga mat. These are basic yoga classes, for all levels of fitness, that will still ignite your heart, strengthen your body, increase balance, aid in prevention of injuries and just make you feel GOOD. It’s my happy pill. After we sweat and flow, we’ll lay in savasana, listening to the ocean, allowing our minds to find stillness so we can listen to our hearts, our inner voice that is never critical, never negative—allowing you to connect to your dreams, to your best self, to visualize your unlimited potential. That’s the magic of yoga. And a backdrop of the gorgeous Pacific ain’t too shabby. So, Join Me!
I’ll leave you with a powerful excerpt / affirmation from Louise Hay, who has been critical in my own journey to fitness and self love. This summer I spent a few weeks solo in Barcelona and read from her book You Can Heal Your Life every day as I did yoga from my rooftop with views of the Mediterranean Sea. The healing, the joy, the inspiration was incredible and hard to explain—some things in life must be felt to be understood, even for this writer! I hope to see you soon. Shoot me a message with any questions. Until then, have a beautiful week. Namaste. xo
In the infinity of life where I am,
All is perfect, whole, and complete.
I live in harmony and balance with everyone I know.
Deep at the center of my being, there is an infinite well of love.
I now allow this love to flow to the surface.
It fills my heart, my body, my mind, my consciousness,
my very being, and radiates out from me in all directions
and returns to me multiplied.
The more love I use and give, the more I have to give.
The supply is endless.
The use of love makes me feel good;
it is an expression of my inner joy. I love myself;
therefore, I take loving care of my body.
I lovingly feed it nourishing foods and beverages,
I lovingly groom it and dress it, and my body lovingly
Responds to me with vibrant health and energy.
I love myself; therefore, I provide for myself a comfortable home,
One that fills all my needs and is a pleasure to be in.
I fill the rooms with the vibration of love
so that all who enter, myself included, will feel this love
and be nourished by it.
I love myself; therefore, I work at a job I truly enjoy doing.
One that uses my creative talents and abilities,
working with and for people I love and who love me,
and earning a good income.
I love myself; therefore, I behave and think in a loving way
to all people for I know that which I give out
returns to me multiplied.
I only attract loving people in my world,
for they are a mirror of what I am.
I love myself; therefore, I forgive and totally release the past
and all past experiences, and I am free.
I love myself; therefore, I live totally for the now,
experiencing each moment as good and knowing that my future
is bright and joyous and secure,
for I am a beloved child of the Universe,
and the Universe lovingly takes care of me
now and forever more. All is well in my world.
My apologies for being gone so long. To say life has been nutty lately would be an understatement. As a recap: the last two weeks of August my boys were with their father and I had delicious, rare alone time at home working feverishly on my new book. It’s southern, semi-historical fiction and a lot of fun. I was really in the groove. It was amazing to have the freedom to write, work out, take walks, etc. I was SO excited when the boys returned, however. For two days beforehand, I organized the house, their toys, books, etc. I prepared meals like veggie lasagne, freezing half. I was determined to start the new school year on the right foot. School would start, I would focus 3 to 4 hours a day on my book with the goal of getting through half of it by October.
Little did I realize that I was entering a crazed period. The first week with my boys should have been an indicator of what was to come! School hadn’t yet started, my nanny was away that week, and to add insult to injury, my freezer broke. Repairman couldn’t come for two days. I lost just about everything.
Second week, school still had not completely started for my oldest (we had one day off and one half day for some reason with two intensive back to school nights!) and the preschool for my youngest wouldn’t start until Sept 9th—and only half days till Oct. 1! I also had five articles to write for clients. Oh BOY! No work on my book could be done while I struggled to finish two cancer articles, one pregnancy article and begin two more bylines for an author/client. I was very grateful for the work, because as luck would have it, my car broke down. And when I say broke down, I mean completely broke! I had wanted to sell it and get a hybrid this Fall, but in this condition, there was no way. The transmission cost $3,500 and required me to be without my car for a week. During this time, I had also started yoga teacher training. All the times were not completely convenient for me or my babysitter. Some morning training started at 6:30 / 7a.m.
Finally, last week, as the crescendo, someone hacked into my email system, compromising clients and friends and family—even nearly fooling my ex-husband into giving him money—pretending to be me having an emergency. My computer had to be shut down, the FBI contacted and an expert hired to fix and clean my machine. All this delayed my projects and even infected one of my editor’s machines.
So, what valuable life lessons did I learn during this period? Plenty!
Lesson One: Prepare/Plan ahead.
From the freezer incident, I learned how great it was to cook ahead of time. With many of my frozen foods thawing, I began to cook with abandon, preparing marinated chicken dishes, cooking meats and fish, making sandwiches with cooked meats, and having every meal accounted for the entire week. Life went smoother. Similarly, the computer incident taught me that while some things can’t be helped (we still don’t know exactly how the hacker gained access to my account), I can back up my important documents with a new hard drive.
Lesson Two: New Beginnings are Energizing.
Cleaning the freezer, I realized how much I had kept in there that I didn’t use for years. Throwing out the old and cleaning the freezer, energized me. As I slowly restock the freezer, I am conscious about what I put in and what I will actually cook within the week.
Lesson Three: Let People Help You.
The car incident and my yoga training needs taught me to ask for help when I need it and to accept that help. I have no problem helping others. I do, however, feel badly about asking for help. But friends often want to and are honored when you trust them with important things, such as your children. As a single mom without family nearby, I need to reach out more. I started doing that and am grateful for the car borrowed and the help with my kids on days that I need it. I know that I’ll respond with love and assistance in the future.
Lesson Four: BREATHE.
Sure, I had a lot of expenditures and demands on my time and stress that didn’t allow me to focus on my goal of putting in more writing on my book. I did, however, keep my cool. I credit that completely with yoga and meditation. Instead of snapping, getting distracted, thinking (too many!) negative thoughts, etc. I took deep breaths and centered my mind. Daily yoga (even if at home for 20 minutes) and 10 minutes of meditation each morning or evening stilled my mind. I have to distance myself from all that stresses me and all that is out of my control, to garner the perspective I need to focus on all that is possible.
Lesson Five: Slow Down.
If you’re stuck in the fast lane, spinning from moment to moment—something HAS TO GIVE. For me, these weeks were crazed because I had so many school and athletic demands for my oldest son and a preschool getting out at 11:45 a.m. daily for my youngest. ( Oct. 1st, we start full days!) It seems that California schools start later and ease into their year more slowly than East Coast schools. That’s just life. I also had soccer games and deadlines and yoga training. At the time, it felt like I couldn’t say no to any freelance projects as the car breakdown and all the school payments from PTAs and ed foundations and other multiple requests, meant that I could have easily spent nearly $6,000 additional this month alone. Now, I’m slowing down. There’s no reason to take every assignment or go to every event or contribute to the point of insanity.
Lesson Six: Success isn’t a Destination, It’s a Daily Journey
As Andre Agassi said in a recent interview (Q&A in the October 2013 issue of The Red Bulletin): success isn’t a destination. “Setting goals and always meeting them doesn’t make you happy. It’s how you feel every night when you go to bed.”
“Success isn’t what comes out, it’s what you put in,” says Agassi. “Doing things completely or not at all. Caring about what you do. … Don’t lie to yourself and look for shortcuts. Success isn’t a result. Success is a way of living you choose for yourself.”
Lesson Seven: Concentrate on What You Can Do
Instead of letting fear take over when stressed, focus on what can be done. For me, I could worry about losing clients or worry about paying all the bills and berate myself for not logging more pages in my book. Instead, I chose to concentrate on my strengths and what I could do—triaging daily what needed to be addressed. Agassi put it perfectly in his advice for child athletes (which is applicable to all of us setting goals): “You should concentrate on the things that you can influence—you can control your attitude, your work ethic, your concentration. If it’s windy or hot or something aches or you’re tired from the match yesterday, then you have to accept it.”
For me, each day, I have to concentrate of being present with my boys. Listening to them. Being in the moment at dinner, or during bathtime. It all counts. Making sure I don’t freak out, and am a good role model. That’s what matters most, at the end of the day, this matters so much more than whether I logged 10 pages. I will, however, log more pages as my schedule allows.
Lesson Eight: Be Kind To Yourself
Beating myself up will never help me accomplish my goals. Sure, I could have handled some things better. I could have backed up my computer, for instance. I could have stayed up till 1 a.m. and logged more pages in my book. But rehashing all of my mistakes and beating myself up doesn’t do anything. Over the past month I’ve really been introspective and honest about past mistakes and while that can be helpful when trying to improve, it can also be destructive if I let negative voices into my mind and constantly berate myself. Instead, as I drift off to sleep, I say to myself: I am doing the best that I can. I am exactly where I am meant to be right now. I am enough.
Final Lesson: Laugh Every Day
Even during all the mess, I love that my four-year-old, especially, makes me laugh. He demands that I look at him when he makes silly faces. He dances. He prances. He tickles. He skips. We have secret codes and games that make us laugh. Our latest is when he starts talking gibberish like Mr. Chatterbox and only I know what he’s trying to do as it’s our favorite bedtime story. We also have a daily competition on who loves each other most. “I love you more than an eagle!” he says. I respond: “I love you more than a pelican!” These moments last a lifetime. They sustain me. I only hope that as my little one gets older, I can keep finding ways to laugh a little each day—in spite of how my day may proceed.
So, I’m venturing back out there and have a big interview today for a job I’d love to land. Problem is, my 4-year-old started throwing up at 1 a.m. and hasn’t stopped! The interview is via skype, but even if I put on a movie, there’s a huge chance that my child will throw up again while I’m having the interview.
So, do I tell my potential boss, the CEO of a company that would be taking a big chance on hiring me, that I can’t have the interview: highlighting the fact that I’m a single mom and when my child becomes ill suddenly, I’m typically out of commission? Or, do I just wing it and hope that my mushy, sleep-deprived brain will kick in and I’ll actually be able to hold a compelling and intellectual conversation and that my child won’t puke in the background?
It’s a hard one. What we tell our boss or our future boss about our children is still a gray area. I recall a friend not telling her future employer that she was a few months pregnant during an interview, for fear that she wouldn’t get the job. This situation, however, shouldn’t be one that I could be penalized for—but you never know. I reached out to two women in my network who are moms and work-a-holics who deal with corporate CEOs quite a bit. They both said that I could not cancel the interview because my son is sick. I had to go through with it to not give a bad impression or the wrong message. I did a cursory search online for more advice and I ran across Lisa Belkin’s column: When Your Child Is Sick, What Do You Tell Your Boss?
In the column she points out comments from other female journalists who say that our workplace is changing and that we should be upfront about seeking balance. I think that’s true, but until you can navigate your workplace, and it’s culture, you have to get the job, right?
I’m going to opt to take the interview and also reveal that my son is sick and I may have to go should he start to vomit. That it’s a sudden illness that started in the night, but that I’m so excited about the interview, I didn’t want to cancel. My suggestion will be to have another but follow-up interview on Monday should we be interrupted.
And, just in case anyone is worried that I’m neglecting my little guy, I’ve already called the emergency 24 hour nurse, and made an appointment to take him the Dr. later today.
Somethings will always be more important to me. Hopefully, that will make me a better employee or manager—knowing when family comes first.
Few executives are as engaging or as approachable as Gina Panettieri, a 20 year veteran in publishing. I could sense her boundless energy and excitement about her job and her family during our phone conversation. Gina has built an incredible career helping other authors get published—and she did so while juggling her own writing endeavors and raising three children as a single mom. Gina worked as a freelance editor, writer, agent and now founder of Talcott Notch Literary agency, which she established in 2003.
Milford, Connecticut-based Talcott Notch, is a rapidly-growing boutique agency that seeks to represent “fresh new voices in fiction and nonfiction.” Gina’s writers have been published with small indie publishers as well as major players such as McGraw-Hill, Wiley, Berkley, HarperCollins and others. And I could tell from our conversation that Gina loves working with her writers and finding new ways to inspire them while thriving in this ever-changing publishing environment. Her ability to adapt in business seems to be rooted in the very fact that she has become an expert in change and finding new ways to succeed while juggling multiple roles—something she had to master as a single mom, and likely why she seems so mothering and supportive of her writers.
I discovered Gina via her well-written and insightful book: The Single Mother’s Guide to Raising Remarkable Boys , which she published in 2008. The book is based on her own experience—but also on research in such areas as financial and educational grants for mothers. Gina’s book helps prepare newly single moms to tackle the many varying roles required of them and to find inspiration to do so. As one can imagine, I’m thrilled to interview Gina for NV’s Single Working Mother Series!
Q: As the single mom of two young boys, I can relate to many things that you write about in your book. What especially resonated with me is the need to find good male role models and the many jobs moms juggle for their kids, including: “coach, chef, cheerleader, buddy, housekeeper, teacher, disciplinarian, and nurturer.” How did you best manage all these roles as a working single mom?
GP: I’m never going to say it’s easy, because it’s not. One thing I did very intentionally was build a career where I worked for myself and could set my own hours. Those were long hours, but they were flexible. I also made certain I was up an hour before my kids were. I needed to clear the decks, get my day’s agenda set and orient myself before anyone was up needing me. If your kids are up before you, you’re always going to be behind the eight-ball since the first thing that will hit you upon awakening is some problem, some issue. You need your own time to get your head clear.
Know your limits. Don’t beat up on yourself if something’s not perfect. Streamline housekeeping by getting rid of what you don’t need and learn the world’s not going to implode if you eat sandwiches for dinner. Set your priorities, and do it right. Time with the kids, being there with them, is the most important thing. Don’t be afraid to say ‘no’ to something that would stretch your resources too far, or find someone reliable and trustworthy to help, whether it’s carpooling your kid to sports, or tutoring in a subject you’re not that great in (a little rusty on that Trig? Call your cousin the engineer or a neighbor). Skype is a wonderful thing.
Beyond that, in being able to act in a number of different and often conflicting roles with the kids, I found it important to speak very directly and openly with them. Establishing rules, expectations, discussing the realities of our living situation. As a single parent home, we couldn’t possibly have the same lifestyle as the high-income, dual parent families and we needed to keep a dialogue about that.
(Later in a follow-up phone interview, Gina suggested that some parents seek out a big brother/big sister program to find good mentors for their kids. I think that’s a great idea, as it’s tough to qualify as a big brother and most are stable and not likely to move out of the area any time soon.)
Q: What advice do you have for other working single moms to help them manage the guilt we all feel when trying to juggle work responsibilities and passions with that of parenting?
GP: You know, all working moms feel the same guilt. We’re all in the same boat. That doesn’t go away even if you had a partner at home helping. I think the most important thing to do is to make time to spend with your children every day and not let them get swept away on the tide of your responsibilities. Make it OUR time. Don’t let yourself be so busy you can’t talk to them, or come sit with them for a while. That’s one of the reasons I got up before them in the morning, to try to get the little pesky duties out the way before they got up. Yes, the laundry may pile up, and the dishes may not get done. Have them help you with them and do them together. We actually were renovating the home we were living in and I taught my boys (and some of their friends) how to lay wood flooring and we all did it together and it was fun. (I did end up with some socks stuck between floorboards as the pieces were nailed in place (!), but we cut them away all but for a few threads that became part of the living, breathing home we were building together). Share what you do with them. And when you’re in the car, pull their damned headphones out and make them talk! Seriously, no tuning out, you or them.
Q: How old are your children?
GP: Now, gosh, Rachel, my older is 32 and has two sons who are going on 12 and 9. My sons, Aaron and Aric, are 29 and 26. And Aric and his wife have a little baby daughter, Jordan, who is 18 months. Can I get an AWWW? Aric’s with the 82nd Airborne and his wife works full-time from home on post with the baby at home, so she’s employing a lot of those multi-tasking skills! But when I started working as a single mom, Rachel was in college and Aaron and Aric were in middle-school and high school. Keep in mind, we also had a number of other boys who came to live in our home from other situations, whether because they were in extremely conflicted relationships at home with new step-parents and everyone needed room, or they were orphaned and their local relative was already overwhelmed with their own children, or they simply had no place else to turn. It was often a houseful!
Q: Was there a stage in your working life and in your boys’ lives that was more difficult for you to juggle? I dread the teenage years, for instance, and worry that I may not have enough time to spend with them—or that I won’t be able to help them navigate issues with sex, drugs or video games. Was this a tricky period for you? And if so, what helped you through it?
GP: Time-wise, the younger years were more difficult because they simply needed more sheer time. But the teen years were more emotionally-complex. I got through those by keeping the lines of communication open and not being judgmental. It’s a practice that needs to start early. Don’t ever think you’ll get a teen to sit down and stare into your eyes and pour his or her heart out! Talk while doing other things. Talk about other people. Don’t probe, but let them get around to talking about themselves in their own time. Be interested in their lives but don’t criticize their friends. They may be testing you in reporting something that happened to see how you will react. Instead, ask them how they or others saw or felt about the event. Own up to your own errors (my favorite line is to wail ‘I’m such a dumbass!’ when I screw up, which cracks them up). If you try to be ‘perfect parent’, you’re setting too high a bar for them to clear to talk honestly to you. Laugh. A lot. Not at them (well, sometimes, in private), but with them and at yourself.
Q: I read in a LiveStrong article that you advise single moms to: “Search for federal grant options available for single mothers via grants.gov.” Is this still the way to go for single moms seeking educational grants for low-income families?
GP: Yes, but look at ALL resources. When my single-mother low-income adult daughter went back to school, we dug deep and found local organizations that would supply money to untraditional students (the Network of Executive Women paid Rachel’s way through summer session). Check out fastweb.com, too. Register there to learn about all sorts of financial aid opportunities (and I mean ALL kinds! There was a $500 prize for a 100 word ‘essay’ on your least favorite vegetable sponsored by a bunkbed company). Check out individual colleges and what special programs they have for returning adult students. I found one college in the west (noted in my book) that had special scholarships for single parents and even had furnished apartments for them on campus as part of the package. You won’t know what’s out until you research, and think outside the box. Don’t think all your money has to come from one source. Cobble together bits and pieces from here and there.
Q: I understand that your children are now grown and that you have married. Looking back, is there anything that you would have done differently as a single mom?
GP: Hm. That’s a tough one. Every mistake taught us something, so there’s value in those. Perhaps understand that there are some relationships that you may think they need to have that they’re really best off NOT maintaining. Children don’t need to have a father in their lives who will ultimately be toxic, even if they feel rejected by him and thus jump at any chance to be with him. YOU have to be strong and advocate for what is best. Look at the bigger picture of what patterns of behavior do to a child. They need caring adults, not necessarily someone who shares their genetic material.
Q: It’s so inspiring to meet other single (or formerly single) moms who managed to pursue their passions and thrive in their careers while also raising kids alone. As a former freelance writer, editor and now agent, what are you currently pursuing? Do you have any more writing endeavors of your own slated for the future?
GP: I’m focused on really expanding my business, taking it successfully through the transitions that publishing’s experiencing right now. We’re also more deeply-involved than ever in shaping our clients’ projects, editing and working with them to shape them for market. It’s become ever more competitive in publishing, so the writers need every edge we can give them. We’re also looking into the new business of agency-publishers, where agencies sometimes act as publishers for projects they passionately believe in but which don’t fit squarely into the traditional publishing model.
We’re building our relationships with film studios, foreign publishers, and multi-media producers as well, expanding our own personal network. I’m building something for the newer agents coming up, and for the children of our agents who will be joining us in years to come.
We also do workshops called ‘boot camps’ for Writers Digest about once a month, helping new writers hone their skills and develop their craft. These are done virtually, over the course of a weekend. It’s exhausting, but enjoyable and the writers report they’re getting a great deal out of it, so that’s music to my ears. Now, at my stage of the game, it’s about giving back, teaching, mentoring.
I don’t have any full-length writing in the works at the moment. I’m having too much fun playing with my clients’ work right now!
Q: Which projects and clients has Talcott represented that you are most proud of?
GP: I’m tremendously proud of all of them! Some of them have stood out as exceptional, like Beth Fehlbaum’s COURAGE series (Patience in Courage, Hope in Courage, and other titles to follow), which are based on her own experiences as a survivor on childhood sexual abuse. These have gotten so many heartfelt letters of thanks from victims, teachers and counselors, I know they’ve touched a lot of lives.
We’ve also heard so many wonderful thank-you’s for Kim Lutz’ THE WELCOMING KITCHEN cookbook, which are recipes that are completely allergen-free. Kim’s the mother of a child with multiple allergies and this cookbook is the culmination of all her love and learning and for once, allergy-free eating tastes good! (To read a bit about her, visit her blog, Welcoming Kitchen.)
I have a special place in my heart for Bruce Wolk’s MADE HERE, BABY! This book was painstakingly researched to compile listings and histories of manufacturers that make their goods for babies and families exclusively here in America, using all-American parts, assembly, packaging, and paint. There’s a special emphasis on women-owned businesses in Bruce’s book. It’s so important to be sure what you have in your home is safe, so this is really quite a resource.
Brette Sember’s wide range of books and magazine articles makes her the quintessential freelancer, from original concept cookbooks like THE MUFFIN TIN COOKBOOK to her highly-specialized legal self-help guides, like GAY AND LESBIAN PARENTING CHOICES, and business books like the popular ESSENTIAL SUPERVISOR’S GUIDE. A former family law-attorney and guardian ad litem, she opted to leave a career outside the home to work from home writing to be with her children.
Q: Talcott has helped publish many parenting books, such as THE CONNECTED CHILD (McGraw-Hill), the #1 adoption book in America, by Dr. Karyn Purvis, Dr. David Cross and Wendy Lyons Sunshine. What topics or genres are you currently seeking to represent?
GP: We’re really omnivores. The only things we don’t work with are picture books and poetry. We love hard-hitting nonfiction, beautifully-written literary fiction, mysteries, history, medicine and science, psychology, business, memoir and all sorts of books for tweens and teens. Between the four of us at Talcott Notch, we handle just about everything.
AloneTogether: Single Moms Support Group (This is a closed group, please say you found their site from me, Laura Roe Stevens, when requesting to join.)
The UCLA Family Commons: http://www.uclacommons.com/
Single Parent Housing: www.SPAOA.org
Pell Grants For Mothers: PellGrants.ClassesAndCareers.com