Category Archives: Health/Wellbeing

Living w Autoimmune: 3rd Day of Challenge a Wipe Out

Still under the weather today, the 4th day of the challenge…I’m grumpy from no coffee, tired, fingers tingling. My older son has a date tonight (super cute) and it’s just me and my younger. My saturday night date gets to help mommy with chopping veggies as my fingers are still not working totally the way I want them to. Getting better though. Plan is to eat an omelet…then popcorn with our movie. No candy. No soda. Still healthy, right? I know. Sort of. Definitely not a home-cooked meal, but I need rest. I have to get completely better by Sunday to see my next Tennessee husband perform, Justin Timberlake. jk sort of! My older son bought us tickets for my birthday. So NO MORE Flare-ups! And going to JT is worth not eating a home-cooked meal for. 🙂

Hope to be back on track Monday. If any of you deal with managing flare ups and trying to cook every night, send me a note.

Have a beautiful weekend,
Laura xo

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Day 2 of 21 Day Challenge to Cook 4 Kids: OY! Not Looking Good…

Video from last night. I’m beginning Day Three of this 21 day fat loss challenge (a cook for my children every night challenge) with a more positive mindset, especially on International Women’s Day. I will alter this challenge to fit my needs, empowering myself to focus on time management, goals, sanity. If it takes three to 3.5 hours to shop, chop, prepare, cook, clean-up, then it is NOT worth it to prepare home-cooked meals every night…not for single moms who also work within their careers and strive to have any sort of personal life or balance. What I seek is 30 minutes to sit down with my boys at the family table every night. But if we’re going in different directions all the time, I do not need to be working so hard…This challenge, just on day 3, is confirming this for me. More later.

Peace, love and support—especially to those special women and mothers across America who do far too much every day. Give back to yourself today and always. Lets make that commitment.

Love,

Laura

21 Day Home-Cooked Meal Challenge!

I signed up for a 21 Day Challenge. It’s officially a fat reducing challenge, but for me, it’s a home-cooked meal challenge, as it requires participants to cook each meal for 21 days. As a full-time single mom of two, that’s a tall order. We have activities. I teach yoga classes. Plus, I am also a writer.  During the day, I’m writing/editing novels, as well as articles for magazines and corporations I freelance for. The extra shopping and prep time and cook time and clean-up time, that goes with home-cooked meals, has always been hard for me. I’ve been a full-time single mom for ten years. I have a 10-year-old and a 17-year-old and everyone says life will get easier as the boys age. By that, my friends think life will become more balanced. But honestly, it’s not really that way, we just evolve into different types of activities and demands, etc. As I struggle to keep up with my identity, my sanity, my health, my dreams, picking up ready-made meals from Trader Joe’s or wherever, has been my time-saver. But so many people have been telling me for YEARS that the best way to be a good mom is to prepare home-cooked meals. We’ll see! Here are two videos from my first day, that did not go so well! LOL! Lord. We’ll see how tomorrow goes!

I was so hopeful in the morning…but then the day got a little crazy, and I didn’t get yoga in or, more importantly, my writing.

 

I’m trying to keep up my faith!

Is it this hard for any of you???

L. xo

Embracing the Divine Feminine within a #metoo & Hookup World

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Can we as women embrace the divine feminine within, while also demand to be taken seriously as an intellectual equal of strength and character? Most of my female friends will say, “Hell yes.” But I’m not so sure that my male friends will agree (amongst each other). A woman in a bikini who looks sexy, is also a person who may write articles for the New York Times, or creates legal briefs, or who rocks a baby to sleep. She is a person of infinite depth and has found a way to embrace her health, vitality and beauty, without negating her intellect, strength, and roles within family and society. It’s a delicate balancing act. Just because we want to be taken seriously, doesn’t mean we have to hide our beauty. It is not our fault that desire creates a beast within some men. That’s like saying a girl deserved to be raped if she wore a short skirt. Yet, somehow, I still feel that it is our duty, as women, not to feed that beast and to refrain from behavior that spurs affairs and/or abuse.

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about this. It is wonderful to feel sexy, healthy, vital, energetic—at any age. I also know that whenever I post a picture in a sexy yoga pose, the men who ‘like’ the picture aren’t necessarily reading the Rumi quote or noting my yoga class schedule below it. Right? Women feed into the objectification that is rampant. We do. But that doesn’t mean we deserve to be lied to, cheated on, manipulated, or God forbid, drugged and date-raped. There’s a huge leap in the male thinking brain from: she’s hot, to: I can, and am entitled, to use her as a physical toy and throw her away after. A good friend of mine told me yesterday that her first date after her divorce resulted in being rooffied. She woke up in her ‘date’s bed, not remembering a thing. She had only had one glass of wine at the restaurant. LORD. She’s in her fifties. This sort of thing happened a lot during my college years and my graduate school years in New York. I heard stories from friends often and I once ended up in the hospital after someone roofied me. Luckily, I wasn’t raped, but I passed out, hit my head in a restaurant bathroom and the cops were called.

I am taking a big sigh as I write this.

Have we not evolved?

I want my nieces to grow up into strong, self-confident, independent women who unabashedly embrace their sense of beauty and vitality. Just because many men want to hook up and treat beautiful women like objects, doesn’t mean we have to hide and cover up either. We just need to be smart, stay alert, and not drink during first dates or put ourselves knowingly into harms way. (See my interview  with Pat Allen, relationship expert, best-selling author of Getting to I DO and expert on Millionaire Matchmaker)

 

Pat, who was actually my therapist during my ex-husband’s affair, has been saying for years, what DeVon Franklin re-iterates in his new book The Truth About Men. That is, that men are not wired for monogamy. They have a lust problem. Not all men cheat, clearly, but all wrestle with desire, even when in love with their wives. Their lust struggle doesn’t go away. DeVon refers to male lust as “the Dog.” And in his book, lust is about power, as much as it is about female conquest. If a man can commit to his profession full-heartedly, he can commit to a woman and family, he explains. Society and the lack of good male or father figure role models, makes is easy for successful men, especially, to not look in the mirror and to continue to indulge the dog, even within committed relationships. An interesting side-note, men who cheat, according to DeVon, are those who were abandoned by fathers or had poor relationships with fathers. Women who cheat, however, typically have put up with too much abuse or neglect and leave a relationship. Men who cheat, are often not in bad relationships at all. Hmmm…So how, as women, do we navigate that one or the fear that it instills when we begin a new relationship?

 

Well, I don’t have an answer. I do know that really good men cheat and feel horrible about it after. But it breaks my heart when women, who have been cheated on, or lied to, ghosted, or made to feel lesser than by a man in their life, take it personally, by thinking they somehow aren’t worthy, deserving, or sexy, etc. And some men, justifying their bad treatment of women, can say horrible things. I know. I heard them, to the point that I believed that I wasn’t sexy or beautiful during my divorce. Yoga and my yoga trainings saved me and helped me to embrace my physicality as well as my spirituality and get back into my writing. I shifted gears and stopped worrying about what was said or done. I’ve since let that shit go. I don’t need to prove anything, but I do want to feel good for myself and remain vital, healthy, so I can be a strong single mom for my boys.

I adore Reese Witherspoon, my fellow southerner, who is strong, and beautiful and calls into question just what a powerful businesswoman is supposed to look like. When I was in college I heard a lot folks saying I was the character from Legally Blond. I covered the legal beat at the Red and Black newspaper at the University of Georgia. I was in a sorority, had long blond hair, wore make up, yet still wrote essays and interviewed supreme court judges for public radio and slept on the streets with the homeless during campaigns to effect change. Why not? What rules in society exist that stipulates that in order to be strong, intelligent and successful as a woman, you can’t wear sundresses, or make up? Or be sexy, and spiritual for that matter. Honestly.

This is what I want to say to my adorable nieces, and to my boys who I pray grow into men of character: respect the light within each person you encounter. If you treat others with dignity—and that means yourself as well—you will hopefully, never be in a situation that makes you feel less then, entitled to take advantage, or used. Communicate honestly, girls, by asking the man in your life what his intentions are. Don’t assume he’s committed. Don’t drink too much and put yourself into sticky situations where others can gain control. And, boys, if you see or hear something, like a fraternity brother bragging about date raping, or drugging a girl, stand up, like a man with character, and turn him in or challenge him. Think of your beautiful cousins and the daughters you may have one day. And don’t drink too much, as that can entitle the dog to bark, as DeVon says.

Friends, chime in. What are your thoughts?

Love & Light,
Laura x

Accountability

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Eastern spiritual traditions teach that our outer world reflects our inner world. For some, that sounds crazy. I have friends from my previous profession as a journalist who get downright angry with that yogic theory and lament: “Did I manifest that drunk driver who crashed into me?” Or: “Did that starving child cause the war and famine?” Or: “Are you really going to tell a person with stage 4 cancer that she’s responsible for her disease because of her shitty thinking?!”

 

Many Western intellectuals call ‘bullshit’ on Buddhist, Taoist, or Hindi philosophies that yogis espouse, things like: ‘Thoughts Become Things’ or ‘Aham Brahmasmi’, a Hindi mantra used in meditation meaning: “I am the Universe.”

 

But somewhere between the chaos theory, (or fuck it, everything is random)—and Aham Brahmasmi—a belief that Universal light lives within each soul, linking us all and allowing us to channel this force to manifest our dharma, our purpose—is a humbling and oft-neglected puzzle piece. That puzzle piece is a powerful dose of accountability.

 

To be accountable means I must look at past mistakes, or even past tragedies, and see where my part was in its occurrence. Where am I partially to blame? And what can I learn from these experiences? Did I place myself in a dangerous situation? Did I risk my health by making bad choices? Did I hold grudges and react? Accountability is powerful. It is a must in order to manifest any New Year’s resolutions, goals or intentions.

 

It can be hard to do. I suggest tackling an accountability list armed with self-compassion, an open heart and the willingness to let go and forgive. But just ‘letting go’ of the past isn’t enough if I haven’t learned the lessons. For instance, if I want to knock out a publishing editor who asked to read one of my novels, it isn’t enough to scan the manuscript once and send it on, like I did with a previous novel that didn’t get accepted. I must get it beta read again. I must add the authentic details that a respected agent suggested. I must take my time and sit at my desk and write every day. I must choke back fear and insecurities by meditating every day, so that I don’t succumb to distractions that get in the way of working productively.

 

To me, being accountable has a lot to do with how well I take care of myself. Ask yourself this: are you in your own way? Do you sabotage achieving your goals due to bad habits? Then be accountable for those bad habits. Look in the mirror.

 

For instance, if I eat too many sugary foods, drink too much caffeine and forget to do pranayama (deep breathing) and meditate, I enter a space of fear, erratic thinking and succumb to distractions that keep me from editing or writing.

 

What is keeping you from your best self? Experts now have conclusive evidence that meditation quiets fear and reactive thinking and allows us to link neural pathways to the parts of the brain that are more compassionate, calm, responsive, verses living within our over-active reactive non-stop thinking side of our brain. (I’m para-phrasing here, but go read This is Your Brain On Meditation in Psychology Today, if you are interested!) We also know that too much sugar and caffeine wires the brain’s fight or flight response, which is not grounded in reality, and creates a vibration of negativity. This vibration may actually bring into your life more people or experiences who mirror that. Plus, if you drink too much alcohol, don’t exercise, don’t meditate and eat too many carby, fatty foods, you can become more prone to depression. If depression runs in your family, like it does in mine, do EVERYTHING you can to thwart its dark return into your life. (This Harvard Gazette article about meditation reducing depression is eye-opening.)

 

Just food for thought. This new years, I refuse to set resolutions. Instead, each day I get  to hold myself accountable in a compassionate way. If I didn’t write or edit, why not? If I didn’t meditate or do a 20 minute yoga flow at home, why not? If I became reactionary or fearful or thought negative thoughts, what was going on within my diet or my life to create that imbalance? If I didn’t listen well to my boys or friends, why?

 

What I know for sure, is that what I focus on expands. And if I want more love, joy, kindness, forgiveness, compassion, abundance—I need to help others by being more loving, joyful, grateful, compassionate, forgiving and supportive of their efforts to become abundant. It can be as simple as smiling at someone or sending them a silent blessing. If I want to live within a more beautiful world, I need to create beauty in my life by noticing, appreciating and enjoying what I already have that is beautiful. If I can be grateful every day, even for the hard lessons, my life is already abundant. If I am living my dharma—enjoying what I do for a living—I have accomplished more than I could possibly imagine. From this vibration, anything else is possible.

 

Today, I am mindful of where I slipped into fear and out of my routine this holiday season. I am grateful for the lessons. I am grateful for my breath, my yoga, my beautiful characters and stories I write about, and the fact that each day I get a choice on what I focus on. This is a blessing. No matter what else is happening in my life. My happiness is a choice. It doesn’t depend on whether someone shows up, or a goal is accomplished. It is a choice of learning in each moment and being grateful. I’m learning in my journey to be humbled by my mistakes and grateful for the lessons and that I am a compassionate, forgiving friend to myself and others. The light within me, is within you. We must all cultivate the best vibration, by being accountable for our habits—what we eat, what we think, what we drink, what we focus on—so that we can shift away from what doesn’t serve, to what helps us feel our own light, and see it in each other.

Have a Beautiful New Years week.

With so much love & light,

Laura

My Sister’s Seasonal SALE!

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Whimsical cabinet door, tile mosaics, hand-crafted, can be made to order, with chosen colors, this one sold for $200, yours, custom-made for $135.00: go.sarah.roe@gmail.com

The holidays are approaching and wouldn’t you like to purchase a one-of-a-kind commissioned piece of art for less than you spend for generic gifts at Target? AND wouldn’t you love to know your gift is supporting a worthy cause? Well, my sister, who has been in recovery for over a year, is tackling her PTSD daily by creating colorful creations of light and movement using shells, sea glass and tiles, creating gorgeous, unique, light-filled art!

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Mosaic Bowl, Sunflower, $75.

For one week, her artwork: mirrors, candle motives, bowls, light sconces, coasters, etc. can be purchased for 25% percent OFF! She is still in the midst of creating her website, so I’m hosting her sale via NavigatingVita.com. How does it work? You like a particular item, many have sold at art shows in Costa Mesa & Newport, and she can make you one similar and offer free shipping in time for the holidays! She has many items in stock, so those can be sent immediately. Email her directly for more details, or see more pictures of what she currently has in stock: go.sarah.roe@gmail.com. Sarah accepts Venmo. 🙂 Below are pictures of many of her creations that I adore. I hope you enjoy this inspiring online art gallery with a message that is dear and near to my heart: At ANY moment you have the choice to turn pain into something beautiful that can uplift & inspire others.

Love & Light XO

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Mosaic Black Cat Box, different scene on each side! $40

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Tile fish framed, $45

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Shell candle votive $25;

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Single flowers mounted on a wood round or square, $20; clusters of flowers, (2-3), $25-$30; 3 tier shell flower hanging pic frame – $40.

 

mirrorfishes

Ocean Mosaic & Tile Mirror $100

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Turtle framed, $75

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Tile & Mosaic Mirror, $100

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Tile lantern sconce, $75

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Glass mosaic candle votive $25

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Tile flower coasters, set of 4, $40

Please email Sarah Roe for dimensions, pricing and pictures of any other art in a similar vein to what you see here, as she has SO much, I couldn’t post all of her pictures. Sarah is a prolific artist, with so much in stock, so just email her (go.sarah.roe@gmail.com). I’m convinced that soon, her work will be sold in galleries and boutiques in Southern California, for much more! 🙂

What’s Driving You?

driving youAt any given moment, a mother is somewhere in America close to her breaking point. And I imagine that she’s smiling, like I am, in this picture taken last week. Can you see it? Look closely. Behind the smile, somewhere in the eyes, can’t you almost feel the tightness in my chest, the held breath, the swirling thoughts that I’m trying to manage and keep at bay. I was behind the wheel, getting ready to take a kiddo to school, when I snapped the picture. Why did I do this? Because it dawned on me that I no longer knew what was driving me or where I was going mentally that day. As I was getting into the car, un-showered, with my teeth not brushed, my hair not washed, that morning, I had hundreds of thoughts swirling in my mind and none of them had to do with taking care of myself AT ALL. And that’s the life of a single parent, especially the full-time single parent. Not one ball can drop. No sick days allowed. And there’s no family to call nearby to help. And the guilt that comes from me striving to follow my dream to get published, when my kids are in need, bubbles up like ancient frozen methane gas rising to the surface.

But what’s life without dreams? And as much as I love these boys, and I do, I have to still carve out space for me to exist separately. My writing is what centers me and motivates me and has ever since I was 18 and writing for The Red & Black newspaper at UGA.  It’s just hard to juggle all the demands and carve out space for my writing… so typically hygiene, self care and a personal life, is what gets sacrificed. But I think it’s worth it. And in the end, I keep telling myself that it will show my boys that a mom is more than a servant, driver, cook, maid, tutor for her kids. A mom is also a woman who has dreams and aspirations that are just as important as their father’s. I just wish that I could manage to squeak in more balance between the parenting needs, writing time, yoga teaching, to add in a little personal life. But all in due time.

Last week I received great news, insanely welcomed news: a few publishers are interested in my 3rd novel! I am meeting with them in New York in mid December when they will review chapters of my novel for five hours on three different days and then decide if they want to work with me. I can hardly believe it! For months I have been sending agents pitches every week and began to reach out directly to publishers too and … it’s working. 😉

So I’m racing to figure it all out. If their dad can’t fly back, I will likely leave the boys solo for five days to fend for themselves, asking a good friend and neighbor to pop in every now and then. My 16-year-old will be in charge and I’ll just pray that the house is in tact and our kitten still alive when I return!

It’s dawning on me that maybe, just maybe, it’s time for them to do more. I see my friends who let their kids bike and walk to school every day solo and wonder why I never let my youngest do this. Some have their kids make their own breakfasts and lunches and then do their own laundry. We are a single parent household, yet, I hardly ever ask my kids to even take out the trash. I do too much.  Maybe I’m trying to overcompensate for their dad leaving. But in the end, maybe the kids will benefit more from the value of pitching in, helping out. I asked my oldest to take the trash out this week. SCORE! My youngest is making his own breakfast, too. Hip Hip for little victories! Maybe now, I’ll shower and brush my teeth in the mornings before heading out, lol!

The morning of that picture I was experiencing confusing brain drain (see article here) before my day had really begun. Scientists call brain drain the syndrome of over-working brains from multi-tasking non-stop to the point that it becomes hard to make simple decisions. I had stayed up late the night before, after teaching yoga classes, cooking & cleaning up from dinner, trying to wash our kitten’s infected paw (that’s insane! you should see the scratches on my legs!) then filling out applications for financial aid for my son’s symphony trip to Spain, and answering questions from my other son’s therapist. I couldn’t sleep. Yes, I had meditated, but life was too lifey. In the morning, instead of showering and brushing my teeth, I had prepared breakfast, made a lunch box, and dumped out kitty litter and signed parental slips for something or another, while slipping into an energy of fear and lack of gratitude. I suddenly forgot something major, but didn’t know what it was.

It’s time to get more help around the house. I can’t keep up with it all. Shouldn’t I let my nine year old do his own breakfast and lunch box and dump kitty litter for me? I bought the cat for him, right?

The morning of that picture, I had raced through my calendar and a mental list of parental duties/worries I needed to perform, that seemed like they’d over-take my life. Orchestra meeting, check. Soccer dues, check. Dad note regarding birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, check check check. Yoga classes scheduled or subbed, check. Therapist note about my youngest, check. Teacher meeting note, check. PSAT nagging for oldest, check. New York flight and hotel for writer conference, check…can I actually GO??? Easter trip to visit colleges, oh shit. Summer symphony trip shit shit shit.

It’s so easy to get over-whelmed and since my ex and I don’t really talk, I end up managing it all solo, and in my mind, I have discussions with my universal guides about what I should and shouldn’t do until I just drop and feel like I need to wave a white flag or give up teaching or writing. But giving up means giving up a part of myself. I now understand why my mom insisted on working as a social worker while raising four children nearly solo, since my father was away most of the time. If she gave up working in a field she was passionate about, and had worked so hard to achieve, she’d be giving up a part of her soul, her identity.

It’s worth fighting for. It’s just not worth getting sick for. My health and sanity need to be a priority too. So, for now, I’m asking my boys to do more. OH! I signed up for health insurance and dental, as I’ve been three/four years without. I know. I know. … it was just too expensive, but I’m biting the bullet. And, I asked my ex-mother-in-law to fly in for a weekend so I can take time off this month. I asked my boy’s dad to fly in when I go to New York. Baby steps, right? It’s a journey of self discovery. I have to ask to receive. I have to believe that I’m worth it, in order to strive to take better care of myself. Balance requires effort and vulnerability and the willingness to receive help. I love to do for others, I’m a giver. But I need to allow others to give from time to time. I’m learning, slowly. A sense of humor is necessary! 🙂

Have a blessed week!

Laura x

 

 

 

#enough.

My Dear Neighbor:

I do not know you. But I do know one thing. You are NOT physically OK like the police report stated. Not just after what you went through. After your body heals, you are not going to be mentally or spiritually OK for a long time either. My heart goes out to you. The clean-cut, nicely dressed stranger, who brazenly walked into your front door on Sunday afternoon and raped you, is sick. And he may attack others. The sheer audacity of a man to walk into your front door, on a Sunday, and then just walk out the front door after the attack, is terrifying. I imagine that you will re-play that horrific experience over and over again every time you come back home. The violation; the brazen lack of fear; the violence; the planning that likely went into it.

This man may have walked away free, and may not think much about it later—but you, my dear neighbor, will likely never forget it. You are changed forever. I wish I could say that you’ll be fine. I wish I could say that you won’t have nightmares, or that you won’t get up in the middle of the night and check your locks repeatedly. I wish I could say that you’ll soon feel sexy and free and trusting again. But it will take time. And there will be flash backs.

Your friends, who you dare to tell, may not show up for you, as rape is a subject no one is comfortable with. Even the most ‘spiritual’ of your friends may forget about it a few months from now because they don’t want to think about it. You will likely avoid them, or avoid taking ubers home alone, or avoid walking into your house alone for years. Forgive your friends for not checking in six months from now when you become paralyzed and debilitated with fear. No one wants to think about rape, or the world-shattering effects it has on a person’s life.

But we need to think about it. And we need to care more. Rape is an epidemic in our country. Every 98 seconds a woman is sexually assaulted in America, according to RAINN.org. One in every six American women has either been raped, or been a victim of an attempted rape. It’s mind-blowing. It’s shocking. It’s disgusting.

My neighbor, you may feel overwhelmed, angry, helpless and hopeless. Move through all the feelings, get help from a therapist, and then fight your way back to hope again.

All men are not like this man. And even though it can seem like we women are now surrounded by misogynistic and degrading men everywhere we turn— from our president, to our favorite talk show hosts. But not all men hate women. You will feel safe in your house again. Maybe you’ll get a dog who will charge down anyone who tries to enter—like mine did—saving me from a home invasion 15 years ago.

Just know this, dear neighbor: love exists, even in the broken places.

You will laugh again.

You will get stronger.

You will love again.

You will heal.

You will not always be scared.

If you ever read this blog and want to find me, my doors and arms are open, and I will listen to you any day, any time.

Now to the pathetic excuse of a man who attacked you:

Rape is an attack of a person’s soul. In my eyes, what you did is the same as attempted murder. You tried to murder this woman’s life as it once existed.

You may have gotten away with it this time, but Karma is a Bitch. 

Maybe, as Marianne Williamson says, love is the only thing that is real, and all violence is an illusion—but I see you. I see you right now lingering in your dark, shadow vibration that wants to, and feels entitled to, hurt others. And I know deep down that you see your worthless and disgusting behavior for what it is.

You will not get away with this in the long run. No matter how many others you attack. You will get caught. And when you die, I pray that you will have to re-live this moment and any others. I pray that somehow, someway, the angels and spirit guides for all the women you have attacked, will show you just what rape feels like—from the inside out. You will feel and see their fear, their pain, their tears, as your own. Isn’t that what ‘One Love’ is all about? See, I’m one of those southern yogis who believes that the Holy Spirit moves powerfully within the flow of Universal forces that steer us in the direction of love. And love isn’t just an ethereal feeling. To love is to try to understand, and to care, and to be kind, and to empathize and to hold yourself accountable and to make amends when you don’t treat others, as you would have yourself be treated.

You will, one day, truly understand what you have done. You cannot fool God. As you sow, so shall you reap. I pray that you will be personally guided closely toward that conscious light of love. I pray that you will be steered up-close and thrust within its blinding light.

Can you feel it burning?

You will.

When a Child is Suicidal

My world turned on a dime two weeks ago. In an instant, I felt like I was in a fast-moving vehicle on the highway, skidding out of control, yet time defied the law of physics as the wheels screeched, the car spun out, fish-tailing and beginning to flip. It may still be on its side, mid flip, and I’m praying my son is in his seat belt and that we will land safely off to the side of the hectic freeway. That’s how it felt when I learned my nine-year-old nearly committed suicide last year. Thank God he told me. I’m beyond sad. And, everything else has come into sharp focus for me. ALL of my choices. ALL of my daily activities and where my attention goes on a daily basis is all under sharp scrutiny. My life for the past nine years has slowed down in my mind, frame by frame, allowing me to analyze how I have been living. I’m making brave choices right now too, as it’s becoming drastically clear what I can—and should—be doing differently to make my baby a priority. I guess you can say I’m in triage mode.

Two weeks ago I found out my baby, who was home with his big brother on a Saturday morning when I was teaching two yoga classes, actually got severely depressed. His big brother, doing what big brothers do, decided to go out with friends and let his little eight-year-old brother play on the XBox. But the gaming got my youngest depressed and sad. He said he thought about all the boys who had been bullying him at school. He thought about how my life would be better if he had never been born. He said he knew his big brother and I would still be living in London with his dad—that his dad would never have left, had he never been born. My heart exploded. My youngest put a knife to his throat and allowed it to make a mark as he said he listened to two voices: one saying to do it, that he didn’t deserve to live, that he was a bad kid. The other saying not to do it, not to crush his mother or his brother. I thank the angels who must have intervened that day and convinced him to put the knife down.

My heart aches. Six months went by and he never told me. Last week, he tried it again. Or he tried to grab a knife again. I took it away from him. All knives are hidden in my house now. How can he not see how adorable, kind, loving, smart and fun he is? How can he not see the lovable and deserving person he is? We’ve been doing gratefuls every night since he was born. It’s not enough. I got him a life and sport coach two months ago. A kid who is beyond inspiring and fun. They exercise, they create mantras and goals for the week, but it works temporarily. Like exercise in general, my son gets the lift from the exercise, but the next day he’s down again. I put him in a brain study at USC and it proved his IQ is very high and that he is emotionally and intellectually about 3 grade levels above his level. This week the neuroscientists concluded he feels isolated because the boys in third grade bore him or are too physical with him. Much too physical.

So I’m exploring my options. I’ve reached out to therapists. One wanted $300 /hour and six months of therapy payment upfront. Um. NO. One of the neuroscientists at USC is working on finding me someone who takes insurance.

But really, my little guy just needs a friend. I was insanely shy when younger, but I had that one BFF. It makes all the difference in the world. In Hermosa Beach, capital of volleyball and a town that attracts professional athletes, most kids at his school are very active, cocky and surf boy stylish. James is cerebral and artistic and would rather read a book that most sixth graders are reading He isn’t fitting in. He’s been hit, kicked, slapped, punched and even had a baseball bat to his gut on the playground. Nothing done.

So, I’m exploring my options. But being a full-time single mom who can now never, ever leave him alone, it’s scary. I won’t lie. I have no family here who can help on a daily basis, I can’t afford a nanny, and know few friends who get it, or who I could trust, or even who have kids this age. But I’m hopeful. And I’m making major changes that need to be made.

Within two weeks, I broke up with someone I had only been dating a month. He was selfish. He demanded a lot of my time. He whined and kept asking me to drive long distances to see him and he gave nothing in return of significance. He didn’t understand what I’m going through, nor does he really care. Done. I’m not dating, AT ALL, for a long time. My son comes first. I’m dropping teaching yoga classes that are in the evening or require three + hours of my time to open the studio, and to lock up after, as my son can not be alone, ever. And I can’t risk something happening while my older son is babysitting. Can you imagine? That would be cataclysmic.

I’m looking into alternative schools and seeing if they will offer scholarships based on the findings from the USC study. Next week I take off most of my yoga classes and have put my son into an advanced science rocket camp at the California Science Center. I’ll drive downtown every day and hang out there in case he needs me, squeeze in some writing time. I’m trying to talk with his dad too, as he’ll be seeing the boys for a few weeks in early August. He can’t leave his son alone, ever. I’m scared too death. But I have to trust the Universe, trust that his big brother will be ‘on’ during their vacation and I’m choosing to believe my son who promised he won’t try to hurt himself again. And, I’m getting a pet. That’s a BIG compromise for me. I’ve honestly gotten ‘over’ pets. I grew up with them: cats, dogs, rabbits, birds, frogs, you name it, we had it. But now I’m tired of fur everywhere: choking on it in bed, or having wet dog or cat food smell in a small house. It turns my stomach. But we need more unconditional love in this house, so I’m getting a pet this weekend. Something for my son to love, to help take care of, and to look forward to seeing when he returns from visiting his dad.

Life is hectic right now, but also beautiful. I’m razor focused on the love I have for my boys. I’m focused on the kind of life I need to live to keep them safe, to help them feel loved and to one day thrive. Eventually I will find the support I need. Instead of focussing on what I don’t have and what I can’t do, I’m focussing on what I DO have and what I CAN do. I miss my mom desperately, who died of early onset Alzheimer’s. She was amazing with my kids and such a kind soul. But life goes on. USC will likely be my boon for finding support. A concerned therapist gave me her cell phone number. I’m beyond touched by their kindness and open hearts. The owner of the main yoga studio where I work, is adjusting my schedule so I can mainly teach morning classes and another studio in town is hiring me for day classes only. And my oldest will have to pitch in for now when I need help. His little brother can never be alone until stable.

IF I don’t blog in a while, just know I’m focussed and wishing you love & light.

Laura x

To Let Go & To Allow = Freedom

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There is an energy in the Universe that is within you and within me and is connected to a Divine Source. It doesn’t matter whether you believe in God via Catholicism, or Judaism or Hinduism or Taoism or Buddhism or are a Muslim. Maybe you don’t believe in God and you refer to It as the Universe or Christ Consciousness or Buddha consciousness, or an HP as folks in 12 step programs do. We are each eternal and connected to the Universe that created intricate flowers, tides, sunsets, animals, stars. As I say in yoga, we are human beings, not human doings. We are linked to one another, even if you may not want to be linked to that someone who hasn’t behaved in a light-filled way. There is a time to fall away, there is a time to step up and I’m becoming increasingly aware of the need to stop judging, and to embrace acceptance in a rebellious way. IF I trust the Universe, and the energy within me that is connected to that Divine Source, and I trust it is in you as well, I can accept what happens and I can let go with love anything that doesn’t serve me. IF I can think only good thoughts of you, without trying to control or manipulate, you will feel that good energy. And this is how I can flow and move on from those who have hurt me, as they are teachers. And IF I can think that the Universe only wants me to grow and expand consciously into love, I can allow everyone in my life to be exactly who they are. I can trust that the flow of my life is moving along a path toward my Dharma, my purpose. And IF I can trust that life force and energy and love that I feel when I meditate and connect to my intuition, and IF I am brave enough to follow my purpose and not cower to my fear, life will continue to flow and continue to bring in the people who will reflect and support that love and light.

 

So this Friday as I pack up and move into a house that is smaller and cheaper and will allow me to continue with my writing and my yoga, I am filled with happiness and gratitude. My boys are learning that their happiness is not based on how big their rooms are or how much STUFF they have. Happiness is based on living our lives with purpose and joy and in the flow of our inner voices. So we are simplifying and all three of us are really filled with peace about this next move, this next chapter.

 

Happy first weekend of summer! For more inspiration, watch this video by one of my mentors, Wayne Dyer (who did hot yoga every morning of his life, btw!). Love & Light!