This is how I feel after many of my first dates that I meet via online dating. Dating post divorce is really, really hard for anyone. And it’s especially tricky for the full-time single mom. But I’m CONVINCED, that having full custody of my kiddos has saved me from dating a slew of selfish men, or men just seeking to hookup. (I can’t tell you how many men on the first date have said: “Wait, you don’t get one weekend off? Ever? How are we going to have sex later?”
Sigh. I’ve been a single mother for 9 years. My youngest is 9, do the math. I’ve had dark, dark days, I won’t lie. I found yoga, meditation and am now writing my 4th novel and teaching yoga and meditation. I don’t often write about the trials and tribulations of juggling single parenthood anymore, as I don’t like for it to define the essence of who I am. But when it comes to dating, lets just say, there’s no way that it can’t. I’ve made SO many mistakes over the years, and have comical and scary experiences under my belt that have helped me now that I find myself dating again. I’ve come up with a list of tips and strategies to help anyone—but especially the newly single mom—navigate the crazy dating process with dignity and with their center in tact. Try to enjoy the process. And look at each blind date as just one more experience to help you gain clarity. After divorce, many women lose sight of who they are, what they are worth, and what they want. We can also get mired down in the full-time, exhausting parenting process, losing our gratitude and our excitement for life. But now is your time to grow and flow. Never, EVER settle. Never think lesser of yourself or accept disrespectful treatment from any man whose view of you is that you are a handful just because you have chosen to raise children and put them first. Each guy you say NO to, gets you closer to finding what you’re seeking. And maybe that just might be your self worth and your own inner light. Re-acquainting with your dignity, your love for life, your sense of power, center and inner-goddess is worth much more than any man (or woman). No person will bring you happiness. It’s an inside job. Let your inner light be the beacon that attracts the souls to you who will love and respect you—showing your children how women should be treated.
Here are some more useful dating tips:
- Never introduce men who haven’t made a commitment to you to your children. EVER. It doesn’t matter if you’re frustrated about not being able to spend the night together. He needs to commit to being monogamous with you and you need to get to know him better before the oxytocin bliss of sex takes hold of your brain. Trust me. Don’t take a man home for your kids to discover. Your children are the most important people in your life and any man who doesn’t understand that needs to GO. I’ve made many mistakes in this lifetime, but my children have only met one man in nine years, and I became engaged to him. I’m very proud of that when I see the harm that comes from friends who introduce many men too soon.
- Don’t have sex before you really really know a man is kind and trustworthy and would be a good example for your children down the road. Period. Maybe that sounds harsh? But think about it. Women get addicted very quickly to men through oxytocin bonding via sex. They, however, do NOT. Once we bond, we make a slew of excuses for our slack men who aren’t treating us well outside of the bedroom and ignore red flags. (Read this interview with Dr. Pat Allen, relationship expert, author of NYTimes best seller Getting to I DO and coach for TV series Millionaire Matchmaker to get more advice that will blow your mind! She was my divorce therapist, LOL and granted me this interview to help me on my first venture out into the dating world. I wish I had heeded all of her advice!!)
- Before you venture onto an online dating site, write in a gratitude journal daily for a month. That’s right. Write down what you are grateful for every day. Some days might be hard, but you can write: food, bed, water. Write down at least three things. Start to create a vibration of gratitude before you go out into the dating world. It will help you notice straight away, even on first dates, men who are mired down in negativity. Shed yours and theirs will stand out in stark contrast. It will help you move on.
- Meditate every morning (or night if you have very young children). Go to Headspace, or The Chopra Center (sign up for Chopra’s 21 day meditation challenge!) or DavidJi (who started Chopra’s challenges and does 40 day ones on his own!) to find free guided meditations. Start small, do a 10 minute one daily. Put on your headphones and listen. Why? It will help you connect to your intuition. And you’ll need your intuitive voice to speak to you when on dates. It will help you avoid narcissistic men and help you to break patterns, such as being attracted to men who are controlling or mired in addiction, etc.
- Play with yourself. Yup. Get your sexual vibes flowing. Why? Because you can. Because you’ll realize that you can satisfy yourself and it will be easier to say no to the hot man with 6 pack abs, but who would wreak havoc on your family due to his heavy drinking, or negativity or whatever. You are a goddess and deserve to be treated as one. So treat yourself to an orgasm and remind yourself. 🙂
- Practice mantras in the mirror. You can find many on LouiseHay.com. I adore her. Women who have been through nasty divorces can often internalize and believe the negative things said about them (men too, but this article is to help my fellow moms!). Look deeply into your eyes and say “I Love You. You are worthy of love and deserve to be happy.” There are many other mantras. It will feel silly. But do it. Feel loving and lovable before you go out into the dating world!
- Be honest on your online dating profile about what you want and who you are. Don’t post pictures of yourself in a bikini or in provocative poses either. Even if you look great, try to not give the impression that you’re looking to just have casual sex, ok? Men, in my experience over the last 9 years, like to prey on single moms. The rationale is that we don’t have sex often, are probably desperate, and aren’t available for a relationship anyway. I can’t tell you how many men (including married men) have asked me over the years if they can be my friend with benefits. And that’s fine, if that’s what you are looking for. If you want to find a partner, however, and find love and respect, hold out.
- Talk on the phone first before meeting men who you connect with via online dating. Why? You need to feel good about this person before getting a sitter to spend more time with them. I can’t tell you how many dates I’ve had (while paying a sitter $18 / hour) that resulted in me listening to a man complain for hours about his ex or about his divorce, etc. I’ve coached so many men to forgive and forget and to remember the ex is the mother of his children and to embrace a more positive existence. It’s exhausting. You and I have spent too much time creating a positive life for ourselves. Don’t waste hours on a negative person AND pay for it!
- Don’t respond to every man who messages you via online dating. You may think it unkind, but don’t. Be brutal. If there is NO way you’ll go out with a 21-year-old who is looking for a MILF, don’t respond. If a man is 65 and you’re 35, don’t even respond. Know what you want. If someone brags about being in the NRA and voting for Trump, and this offends you, ignore his hot gym pictures. If you want to find someone who is spiritual, ignore those who say they are an atheist or a nihilist. You get the idea. This is the time for you to find someone you can have a soul connection with. If you don’t want to be with a drinker, say so in your profile. Why weed through all the requests from those who drink and smoke weed daily if you don’t want that in your house?
- Practice saying NO. A lot. Men, after the 2nd date, often pressure us for sex. Sometimes on the first date. It’s too soon. Say no and walk away knowing another man is out there. Say it to yourself: “Another man, a man better suited for me, is out there.” A single mom I know lamented to me last week that she’d date anyone at this point “because who would want to date me? I’ve got 4 kids!” My heart broke for her. Don’t make that mistake. You are better off alone, than letting in a potentially abusive man into your home. Make space for someone better and hold the space in your heart, knowing you are worth it.
- Don’t let ALL of your friends set you up. Even those with the best intentions, wind up making bad choices for you. Two years ago one of the producers of Queen Latifah Show put me on air. He’s a neighbor and his son is my son’s friend. He knew I was having trouble finding a man I could relate to and he wanted to set me up with a friend, but did it by having me be a contestant on Latifah’s Dating Game. See article here.
It was really funny when my friend’s friend ended up choosing the 60-year-old contestant over me! You just can’t win them all. In the end, even friends who set you up, often make the wrong choices for you. It was humbling.
- Exercise more and drink less. Get the endorphins going. Yoga, walking, jogging, biking…whatever works for you. Find a way to get your endorphins going and feel good. Try not to drink vino when you are stressed or alone. It might make you more likely to drunk text someone not good for you, or to give out your number to a bad boy you met online, when you ordinarily wouldn’t. It may sound like I’m being a bit strict, but you’ll feel better and get closer to what you ultimately want—a soul connection and a partner.Good luck and enjoy the ride! For more advice, read one of my most popular articles where I interview a knowledgable LA psychiatrist: How NOT to Date a Narcissist.
Here’s to Love & Light & Enjoying the Journey,