Tag Archives: social media addiction

The Artists Guide to Finding Time

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I wear many hats, but my purpose in this lifetime is to write and to publish compelling stories with characters many would not pause to consider or feel compassion for—people on the fringe of society, whose inner light is rarely acknowledged. This is my passion. Yet it seems that all my other ‘work’ demands my primary focus. Intention plus Attention, Manifests. Yet most of my Attention, for years, has been drawn in too many directions. I am a single mom who has been raising her two boys solo for nine years. I am the author of three novels seeking representation, as I desire to publish traditionally. I am a freelance journalist who writes for magazines. I am a yoga teacher who has taken 5 yoga trainings and led a yoga and writers retreat in Greece, hoping to run more! My ex lives in Europe and I have no family help, so I have few weekends off to re-charge, and no help when a kid is sick or there is an emergency at school. I guess you can say I am a master juggler. Yesterday a friend told me she can’t find time or motivation to write/create her blog because she has too many demands, yet she has no children or full-time employment. Our demands, are our demands, however. What we focus on, grows. If we focus on fear and lack, we will scramble in too many distracted directions and lose our willpower.

I am finally mastering the balance and carving out more time to focus—even within my hectic schedule. Trust me, between school runs, lunches, dinners, homework, soccer games and practices, violin performances, Taekwondo, volunteer requests, yoga classes I teach, etc…My daily life can become a blinding, dizzying, depressing grind that used to relegate my passion for writing to a mere 30 minutes a day—and that was on good days! I’ve now cut out the major fat, the time-suckers and distractions and am working on my fourth novel. If I can find more time—trust me—you can too. I want to help. Here is the first of a five-part-series on how to find the time to create:

First, cut out ALL the distractions. By that, I mean, ALL SOCIAL MEDIA HAS TO GO. For a year. It’s been seven months of no social media for me in my first year cleanse. During this period, I finished my 3rd novel (click here for excerpt), edited it four times, attended a writers conference and submitted the novel to agents who are currently considering it. Also during that period, I taught yoga classes, helped manage a studio, worked with private clients, attended a meditation retreat, raised two humans by myself and dealt with health issues. If I had stayed on social media, I would have been sucked into its time-wasting trap—losing momentum, motivation and self confidence—while wasting valuable time better spent writing. Now I know all authors and artists need a “platform” to sell their art. But while you are still struggling to create & produce art and then garner an agent or deal, social media needs to go. Here’s why social media is not only a waste of time for budding artists and writers, but it actually makes us less creative, less authentic, and less productive:

  1. Social media thwarts momentum. Why? because it turns the focus outward and not inward. You may be half -way through that novel, or composition or mural, and suddenly you become overwhelmingly self-conscious and fearful and less sure, losing your drive to move forward. We lose our ability to connect deeply to our core and hear our intuition (the birth place of creativity) and our desires, when we focus on others: on what they are doing, how they are doing it and and on how others feel about us and what we do. To create, we need to turn inward, tap into our inner power, our inner passion, our inner purpose and JAM.
  2. Social media drains our Motivation and lessens our Gratitude—which can spur bad habits that actually suck more time away from our projects becoming successful. Looking at what others are doing, can thwart us from realizing our dreams and we can become filled with thoughts like:  Maybe I should be going out more? Those drink looks good, I need a happy hour. I need to have a spa day, why don’t I get to have a spa day? I love her dress and shoes, I haven’t had a new outfit in years. etc etc. Yes we all need balance, but spending more, getting hung-over, or spending money we don’t have or time with negative friends, will NOT help.
  3. Social media lowers self-confidence by comparing our lives and our projects with others. This is an expansion of the last point. Artists often live with less before they are published or discovered. If we compare our lives by what we have or own and are constantly filling our minds with visions from Instagram or Facebook of ‘friends’ new houses, new cars, new relationships we can develop thoughts of fear and lack, that dissuade us thinking in affirmative powerful ways that manifest. Thoughts like: I should be doing more. Or I’m not as good as him. Or I need to focus on money-making projects or pick up more part-time work in order to get a date like his. etc …
  4. Studies have shown that even a mere 20 minutes of social media photo sharing or scrolling increases anxiety, depression and feelings of lack. Studies proved social media lowers self-esteem and it creates disrupted sleep patterns (likely from light erupting from a phone by the bed). One study says that not only does social media foster addiction, but it re-wires the brain to become more addictive and reactive in general. All thwart inspiration to create authentically and powerfully.
  5. The more time we spend on social media, the less we take ourselves and our art and our passions seriously. Sure, you may post a pic of yourself painting or writing, and love the 100 likes you receive, but are you really delving into the project for hours, connecting to your inner voice, inner guides and moving forward in a powerful way? Answer this truthfully.

So, my advice, drop the Instagram, SnapChat, Facebook for a year and gain back the two—or more hours a day—to focus on your art, your potential, your inner fire.

Next installment covers what to replace those two hours with. SO GOOD.

Have a beautiful day!

If you liked this article, you may be interested in:

Is Social Media Bad for You? BBC, January 2018

 

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Offline a Month, and Life’s Good

September 24, 2017 marked a full month without ANY social media. Not even one peak. Not one news feed scroll. Not one ‘like’ for a picture marking an event or moment in my life. Not one announcement made to a wide group of ‘friends’. Yesterday, however, I had a moment that felt very odd. A beautiful model who was taking hot yoga with me, after class, posed half-naked for a selfie in front of our mirrors.

(Here’s a fun article in HuffingtonPost: The Phenomenon of the Selfie and Look at Me Duck Face.)

The woman, who had her camera aimed high so she could have her entire wet body beside our mirrors in the picture, giggled and said ‘bear with me, I have to do a social media photo bomb.’ I literally stepped away and out of the camera’s view laughing nervously. I suddenly didn’t like the fact that there’d be thousands (she is a model) of her ‘friends’ in our yoga class and possibly seeing me sweaty and tired. Yoga isn’t about sex. It was a knee jerk reaction of mine to get as far away from her as possible. See, I had forgotten about ever wanting to invite in hundreds of strangers into my day to approve of me or ‘like’ a post-workout sweaty body. Was I ever like that? Probably. And that worries me. Of course, her pic will probably garner attention for our studio. Maybe. Will any of her ‘friends’— likely men, lets face it, she’s gorgeous and posed half naked and wet—come into the studio or take one of my classes? Not likely. No harm was done though. It’s just funny how I reacted. A month earlier I would have likely friended her and ‘liked’ her picture saying “great workout!” or something to that effect. Yesterday, after a month off, I just wanted OUT of the picture and didn’t feel comfortable having strangers injected into that moment which for many was about pushing themselves into a positive mindset and healing. Yes we wear little clothing in a hot class, but that’s because of the heat. What a shift in my thinking! I’ve become much more private. That’s clear. I’ve become more selective about who I share information with and who I share myself with. That’s the biggest shift. I care more about the vibration of a person I encounter face to face and whether that person makes me feel at ease or makes me smile, or is kind and having a bad day. When I feel that natural attraction to someone like-minded, I make a point of speaking more or reaching out more, or doing something to lift their day. I’ve become better friends with certain yogis at my studio, for instance who are going through challenges and are facing them with courage and laughter. We have long chats. We’ve known each other for nearly a year, but now I’m even more mindful and pay attention to their lives and we share a lot with each other. These relationships mean more to me and I don’t really want to invite strangers into our moments, as silly as that sounds.

As for my 15-year-old son, who is also off social media now, he’s had moments where he said he felt isolated from friends—you know, no more snap chat or Instagram. But we’ve also had heart-to-heart conversations about what he doesn’t like or miss on social media. Like the fake accounts where kids post pics of drunk hookups or drunken or pot-filled moments. And before he quit social media, he witnessed some bullying by a popular kid calling a girl names, making fun of her appearance and it bothered him. I love my son. He’s an old soul and he knows what he likes and what he doesn’t like. So this offline month he stared an ebay business, opened up a checking account and also created a website that is really gorgeous. He’s also learning about investing, so all the money he makes, he can invest. At school, he’s made a point to sometimes sit with, or walk with, an autistic kid who gets shunned. He knows he’s popular and his kindness might inspire others to be nice to the kid too. I’m really proud of him.

So what have I been doing this month? A little of the same: writing, yoga classes, juggling the demands of my boys. But I’m not on social media listening to hundreds of voices and feeling like I need to get involved in the chatter or be seen. I’ve had heart-felt conversations with yoga students, started a cleanse with one, and have heard from a few old friends. I’ve had a Saturday night date with my youngest, walking on the pier, going out to eat and not once did I scroll my feed or snap a picture for my ‘friends’ to like. It was just the two of us and I even forced myself to pay attention to his Star Wars and MineCraft rants. 🙂

Now that I’ve detoxed and no longer miss my social media addiction, this next month ‘should’ be even more productive. I’m hoping! I have big plans. I’m editing Between Thoughts of You, my next novel, and am teaching even more yoga classes and will be going to Vegas with my boys for a huge soccer tournament, visiting my sister who now lives in CALIFORNIA! and will be throwing a party for my youngest who is turning NINE on the 24th. It’s hard to believe. Life is still as busy and as challenging as ever, but it’s more mindful. It’s more peaceful too. When I tune out all of the noise, I can tune into my own voice, my own heart, and listen more carefully to the voices that mean the most to me: my family, my closest friends. I play more music too, that’s been fun. I’m still not cooking however! I hate all the cleanup late at night, but we do sit down at the table and chat over my awesome salads and Trader Joes meals. lol

Life is Good offline.

Offline Worldview

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So it’s been nearly 3 weeks since my oldest son and I turned off all social media.

Here’s my update:

The first week, I missed it. I might have said that I felt more mindful, but I had those moments when I wanted to check my feed. You know, the times waiting in the school line, or half time at soccer games, etc.  I didn’t check, not once. But I had the urge. I wondered if my exotic-traveling friends had posted amazing pictures that would convince me to plan my next trip. I wanted to see those gorgeous yoga poses and read those preachy, yet spiritually-in-tune quotes from my yogi friends that are meant to uplift and garner more students at the same time. I also liked seeing those pics from my friends who are in love. I’d chuckle from my worn-out, over-worked mom friends who’d go all out and post party, happy-hour rants. You get the idea. I had gotten into the habit of listening and watching all these lives unfold (or how they’d like me to see them unfold.) Sometimes I even felt like I was being a bad friend, as I was so out of the loop. I couldn’t see those rants or requests for prayers for a sick relative or get a birthday reminder. I also worried that I needed to post about my new and expanding yoga class schedule or post pics of my kiddos for relatives to see.

But by the second week I felt free. So did my 15-year-old. We both weren’t seeing those pictures from old friends who had parties that didn’t include us. Who needs that? We didn’t have reminders of what isn’t cool about us. My 15-year-old is not drinking or partying yet, a lot of his friends are. He wants a scholarship, straight As, soccer prowess. I am a single mom who is now teaching 6 a.m. weekly hot classes and weekend classes and helping to manage a yoga studio, while also writing and schlepping to schools, practices, back-to school nights, doctor appointments, etc. I am in good shape, but I am not glamorous. My ex lives in Europe, so no weekends off, or help for me. Seeing the posts from other single mom friends who get weekends free, used to sort of haunt me. I adore my kiddos. But seeing what others are doing, made me question my future and my present and took away a tiny breath of strength and core confidence. I know that I’m strong and happy with my life, exactly as it is, even if it may be challenging.

It also dawned on me, as I was writing my final chapter of Between Thoughts of You, my next book, that I have way too many voices in my head. Maybe not voices, but points of view. And mixed in with that, I had this little push of myself with each point of view. Maybe that sounds confusing. Basically, social media created this need for my opinion to be heard or for my life to be seen and approved of at all times. If a ‘friend’ posted something sad, I felt the need to respond with an appropriate emoji or a comment if it was a real friend. And then if I was at an event, I’d post a picture and within hours would be curious about who approved or ‘liked’ it. It became important what other people thought about what I had just experienced. I imagine that what other people think can become even more important for teens who are establishing themselves or finding their way. The other part of the mix is this altered reality that had become a part of my daily life. People who would never invite me to parties or for tea, or who I barely know, had become a part of my daily world. Seeing what they were doing, feeling, or were with, had become a part of  my life, say, while I was in the car waiting for my eight-year-old at school. When he’d pop in, I might be distracted about something political or racist that was said, instead of focussing on that sweet and pure voice in the back seat. The obvious take away: taking time to keep up with people who aren’t really in my life, is taking precious focus and energy away from my family: my two boys.

Besides, it takes up a lot of energy too. Maybe their lives seem more glamorous, more successful, more sexy, more free, etc. Do I need all that competition or worry? My life is exactly as it is supposed to be right now.

So, the first week I was off social media I was writing a scene (for my novel) with Lulua`ina [loo loo (w)ah’ ee nah] aka Lulu, and it hit me that I made her do something that I would do. It was completely out of her character, but totally in mine. I stopped and thought about it. I think it stemmed from a need, or a habit of putting myself out there on social media, to be seen and to be approved of. Without that outlet, I was pushing myself upon this character. Lulu would never contemplate falling for a certain man who wasn’t spiritual, wasn’t over his ex, drank too much, and came from a family that valued money and power at any expense. She came from a strong Hawaiian spiritual family who respected the Earth, their ancestors, karma, giving back and living honestly and humbly. Once she saw this person’s background, just because he wanted to change and loved her, she wouldn’t be conflicted about staying friends. She is strong, has supportive roots and knows exactly who she is, even in a crisis. So even though she is young and lonely, she has a core strength beyond her years, based on tight family support and spiritual beliefs. I never had support growing up and my spiritual strength and confidence came later in life. When younger, I would doubt myself and listen to friends and be swayed, betraying my intuitive voice. I put myself in her shoes at her young age and betrayed her character. 

So, I changed the scene. She regretted kissing him and vowed not to ever again. Period. The talk ended in her mind. No conflict. No need to call her Nan and discuss. She knew what she needed. Lulu needs a strong person with a strong sense of character and spiritual awareness to match her own. In the end, the conflict will be about her husband and childhood best friend.

Does this have anything to do with social media? Yes, I think it does. The constant need to have other’s approve of ‘me’ puts ‘me’ too much on my mind. I’m better off focussing on my work, my kids, and on what I think of situations, events and the people in my life—the real people who are actually in my daily life.

Here’s to a more mindful and present existence.

Love & Light ~

L. x

 

 

Eight Days OFF Social Media

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So, it’s been eight days since my 15-year-old son and I quit our social media addictions. For my high schooler, the cons have been not knowing what his buds are doing and being off snap chat and being outside the inside jokes. He switched his snap chat addiction for more youtube video watching, on topics such as saving and investing or on relationships. Hmmm. For me, there really hasn’t been a down side. Isn’t that amazing? Last weekend I edited all of my chapters of Between Thoughts of You, my favorite novel out of the three I’ve written. Sounds arrogant to say that, and I’m not claiming to be the next Hemingway, I just adore my main characters. I L O V E them so much. Lulu feels like the woman I want to be and the old man she cares for, the grandfather relationship I never had (both my grandfathers died before I met them.) Plus, the culture of Hawaii and all the history I researched makes me excited to go back. So, there’s that. AND, I’m teaching more yoga classes and working more at the studio so I feel more present and grounded. I had an awesome class last Friday night (happy hot hour @ 5:45 p.m. my new one) then met up with one of my best friends from college who was having a birthday party. And no one saw any pics! (Gasp!) I didn’t worry about whether any of us were photo worthy, looking good, or showing we were having fun. I’m clearly more in the moment, except when I’m writing, and then my mind is traveling through my characters to Italy, New York, Japan or Hawaii…but I’m not telling more than that at the moment! LOL

So, even though my life is pretty much the same, I’m more focussed, centered and less in my Ego. I’m more present. I’m not concerned about whether the pace of my life is moving too slow or whether I ‘should’ be having more fun or doing more, or seeing what friends are doing that I’m not. Right now, it’s boys, yoga & writing … every damn day. Sprinkled in between are the laughs, the phone calls or texts, rather than instagram or facebook likes or comments, and in-person connections that I’m excited about. 🙂 No comparisons. No drive to get ‘likes,’ which are never a substitute for off-line attention, appreciation or conversation, right? If someone really cares, they’ll reach out. Period. I also haven’t been distracted by my feed and prevented from doing what needs to get done. As a full-time single mother juggling work and kiddo activities, getting sucked into social media means less time to take care of me or this house or the boys. I even got the carpets cleaned—no more gross stains! And hired a handyman and squeezed in some fun posting a picture and seeing who approved of it. Here’s to more offline productivity and mindful fun. I’m teaching an extra class tonight and ordering dinner instead of cooking and cleaning. Not a bad deal.

Life is Good offline this first week.

Love, Light, Fun & Balance ~

L. x