Tag Archives: single moms

Single Moms, What Do You Want from Our Next President?

I was recently interviewed by Huff Post about the single mom perspective on the first presidential debate and specifically about Romney’s comment to discontinue funding for PBS: the home of Sesame Street. (You can read that article and my interview here: Mitt Romney’s Big Bird Problem: Kids Can’t Vote, but Moms Can.) I was driving down I-85 towards Chapel Hill, N.C.—on my way to see my mother whose mind is ravaged by Alzheimer’s Disease—when I got the call from Laura Bassett, a Huff Post political reporter. Even though I had decided to put work aside for the week I travelled home and focus on my mom—I had to take the interview. My mother, a former social worker and political activist, would have wanted me to. We have a clear opportunity to voice our needs right now. It’s very important, moms, even if you’re insanely busy or overwhelmed or just plain skeptical about the political process. Maybe you doubt whether either candidate can actually get past polarized gridlock and politicking to actually get things done on Capital Hill? If you believe that, you may also believe that it just doesn’t matter what either stand for. I’ve heard that argument. But I think that’s a cop out.

I understand doubts and skepticism. But voicing our needs right now can only be a good thing: as America is listening. Politicians are listening. Business leaders are listening.

For instance, I was thrilled when listening to the lighter speeches that both candidates gave during the Al Smith Foundation Dinner. (Here’s a great NYTimes article highlighting some of their best jabs.) It’s clear that Mitt Romney heard our thoughts and our disdain for the idea that he might want to cut funding for Sesame Street when he said: “The president’s remarks tonight,” he added, “are brought to you by the letter O and the number $16 trillion.”

Clearly, momsrising.org was successful in its campaign to galvanize women and moms across the country about this issue. I’m thrilled, because so many of us just won’t get off our nonpolitical couches. Just this week I reached out to single parent groups and to more than 100 women in my network who are single moms to give them an opportunity to chime in. What do you care about, I asked? In my poll to give them a voice, I asked if they cared more about pay equity; affordable healthcare; affordable tuition; affordable child care; the right to choose, etc. It’s not surprising that only a handful responded. Perhaps we are saturated with all the advertising and debates and this messy political process? Perhaps we are skeptical that anyone in the White House can make a difference in our families’ lives? I think the gist to such low enthusiasm—amongst moms anyway—is this feeling that your opinion doesn’t count or matter.

It does.

I hear many of you single moms when you vent to your online parenting groups about a variety of issues such as expensive medical bills for your children that your ex won’t contribute towards; or child care costs you can’t afford; or  tuition payments so crippling you are considering dropping out of college. I also hear from moms who don’t get any paid sick days and can’t take time off when their children are sick from school. Quality, affordable healthcare; equal pay on the job; affordable tuition—these are the important topics for single moms. (And, of course for most women and moms in America.)

Obama said it correctly during the debate this week, when referring to equal pay in the workplace: “These are not just women’s issues, these are family issues. These are economic issues.”

I know I’m not alone in these thoughts. Women across the country did respond. In North Carolina, a single mom was more concerned about quality schools; healthy lunches; keeping Planned Parenthood alive and avoiding war at all costs. In Arizona, a single mom cared most about security with our borders. In Northern California, another mom voiced concern about jobs; Planned Parenthood; and educational opportunities. Finally, another mom of three in Southern California said she cared deeply about affordable health care and student loans.

Again, what do you care about?

Please chime in and respond to my poll to keep the conversation going!

Finding the Light Within

Whenever I begin to feel jealousy, anger, pity or fear creep in—the four pitfalls I imagine many single moms tripping over—I stop and take a breath. I let myself step aside (sort of like a Woody Allen moment with the protagonist asking the audience for insight) and ask why I am sinking to these depths. Intellectually I know it’s not helping. Going through the process of divorce is gut-wrenching enough. Adding insult to injury by sinking to such negative thoughts, only keeps us mentally in the basement. How someone else treats us isn’t always deserved, or in any way reasonable. But knowing this, and feeling this, are two different things entirely. I understand. For two years I’ve wrestled with insecurities that I never had before. Getting to the place where I feel beautiful, loving, and like I am a gift to my children, has been a long walk of faith.

I’d like to walk that with you. I’m still finding my own way, but want to walk with you—especially those who are just going through the storm—as you hold your breath and put one foot, (metaphorically) in front of the other.

I’m currently working with a spiritual counselor and feel so blessed by her insight. One of the exercises that has helped me the most is that of meditation and focus on love. Love requires no formal religion—so no matter your faith—this exercise will help you. Over time, it creates what is called a bleed-over. The more you visualize yourself as a seed of light and love and harmony, the sooner you realize that it’s true. And once you do—no one, or anyone’s behavior—can take that away from you.

If you’ve received a crushing blow to your ego and self esteem, as many women who are dealing with infidelity have shared with me, there comes a time when those insecurities will begin to lift. Sure, there will always be people who are younger, physically more beautiful, more intelligent or more athletic than you. But these qualities don’t ultimately define us. They aren’t the essence of who we are. They don’t create the “je ne sais quoi” that the French refer to—meaning the intangible, or inexplainable quality that makes someone distinctive or attractive or irresistible. I’ve always imagined that this comes from an inexplicable source of light within a person. Have you ever met someone who isn’t quite beautiful, but his or her smile or lightness in mood or sense of goodness blows you over until you begin to think of that person akin to an angel? If you haven’t experienced this, you may think I’m nuts. If you have, you know exactly what I mean. I don’t pretend to have any of the answers for us, but I do know that we are all equal in God’s eyes. We all have access to light and love. All I know is that the more I focus on that, the less I focus on anything dark. Hurtful things people say or do begin to fall to the wayside as I focus on being a light to myself, my children and those I love.

If you are motivated, try this exercise with me for a week and let me know if it is changing your perceptions, mood, relationships with your kids, your Ex, etc.

Each night as you drift off to sleep, breathe deeply and visualize divine light bubbling up from the core of your body. It begins to spread throughout your body: up through your chest, your arms, down your legs, and out your toes, fingers and head. Say to yourself, “I am filled with light.” Imagine sharing the light with your children and even extend some love and light to your Ex, your extended family and any friends that you want to reach. Hold no other thoughts other than letting those you care about, feel light and love. Hold no agendas. Breathe deeply. Feel warmth run through your body, and begin to think of at least five things you are thankful for. Even if you can only think of things such as food, your car making it to work, or running water, be thankful for those things. The list will grow over time.

Allow yourself to drift off to sleep after saying your thanks.  Do this every night for a week. Even if you are in pain. Even if you are distracted. Perhaps especially so.

Remember, no matter what someone has done to you, it doesn’t define you. It doesn’t diminish your “je ne sais quoi” —your light within.

For some of you reading this, my words may seem a bit cheesy or saccharine. Sure, I know some of you are struggling with child custody battles, health issues, child support default, etc. The issues are heartbreaking. Perhaps this little exercise seems useless. Perhaps you think it’s silly. Try to push self-depricating thoughts aside and entertain this idea for a week anyway. What do you have to lose? Over time, you may begin to really feel that you are a source of light and love. And once you do, I have a hunch that your contagious energy will carry you forward throughout all your struggles with much more ease, confidence and less stress. And lowering stress is essential. I’m currently writing an article for a national magazine about the effects of severe stress on women’s health. It’s not pretty. Our children deserve healthy and happy moms. Lets try to give them what they—and we—deserve.

Lots of love,

Laura