I published this post originally in September 2011—a year and a half ago. I learned today, however, that my divorce is final. While I’ve been raising two boys solo for nearly four years now, I’m surprised by how emotional, yet surreal, this final parting, delivered unceremoniously via a curt email, feels. There are just no words to accurately describe it—even for someone like me. So with that said, I’m re-posting this post “Beauty, Forgiveness in Letting Go.” I let go of my imagery paper lantern tonight, to sail across the ocean to my ex, my former best friend, the father of our beautiful boys, with just two words inside: “Thank You.”
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I can’t stop thinking about The New York Timesarticle “Untying the Knot in Japan” by Paige Ferrari. In fact, ever since reading the article that outlines this new Japanese trend of divorce ceremonies, I can’t stop the steady stream of images from daydreams, clearly inspired by this idea. Obviously, I crave closure. One snippet of my dream keeps popping into my mind—like disjointed, still frame, romantic images. I even sent a message to my soon-to-be Ex about wanting to have a divorce ceremony. Not surprisingly, he didn’t reply.
Perhaps I’ll just have one on my own. Before reading this article, I had thought (once the divorce was final) I’d invite a friend or two to come with me as I throw my wedding band off the end of one of the Southern California piers into the Pacific Ocean. I imagined I’d say a few things before the toss about mixed blessings; becoming stronger; putting my sons first; or living a better life. But now I see what I really want is a ceremony that would honor the 12 years my husband and I spent together. I’d love a ceremony that is like a symbolic blessing to us both—releasing us to move on and inspiring us to be respectful of one another for the sake of our boys.
In Ferrari’s article, a divorce ceremony is outlined where both the ex-husband and ex-wife come together, say a few words in front of a witness, and then both use a hammer to crush their wedding bands. It’s a somber occasion, but one that respects their former union, blesses the two to move on, and confirms the importance of their child’s health and happiness. More ex-couples would benefit from a ceremony such as this, don’t you think? Since I’ll likely never have one with my Ex who lives in London, I will dream of one that allows me to let go and continue on with beauty and hope.
In my recurring dream, a paper lantern floats wobbly in a river—the candle light inside flickering in and out through a heavy layer of fog. It moves with fragility in the water and I am compelled to reach out to it. I have been waiting for it alone on a dock and I stretch to reach it, but can not. I am frightened that the light will burn out, so I stretch my body along the scratchy wood planks of the dock, my upper torso dangling precariously over the water. Finally one long finger touches the side of the lantern and I pull it towards me. I lift it up and put my wedding ring inside. I let myself think for a moment about the beauty of our wedding, the sweetness of our love that day, and the hope we both once had. Inside the other crease of the lantern, I place two folded pieces of paper with messages to my soon-to-be ex-husband.
“Don’t forget your boys,” is written on one note.
“I forgive you,” on the other.
I visualize all the hurt and pain that I have felt over the past two years as a smoke rising from a flame. The wind lifts it up in the crisp night air and allows it to combine with the fog. I place the paper lantern with my ring and messages back into the river and push it gently into the current.
As I watch it drift away, I let go of all anger and bitterness.
I close my eyes, envision my beautiful boys, and allow myself to feel blessed in this parting.
Is a mindful way of life actually possible for most of us—especially those in the business world? Can we really achieve mindfulness in today’s American society? Think about it. We are obsessed with multi-tasking and our devices that let us ‘stay on’ 24/7. On top of that, we keep pilling more onto our schedules (since, of course, we can handle more at one time now). Combine that with extra pressure and longer hours at work (See ABC News’ “Americans Work More Than Anyone”) and more stress with shortened fuses on the road and there you have it: a cocktail that completely erodes your 15 minutes of mindfulness meditation. Or so it would seem to me.
But maybe I’ve got it all wrong? I’d love some input from any of you out there as I’m at a complete loss. Unless I’m in the jungle (where I found myself a week ago!) or on an island without wifi and electricity, I doubt that I can stop my multi-tasking addiction—and I’m just a mere freelance writer and mom. How the hell do executives learn how to put the devices down and connect fully with loved ones when the work day just never seems to end?
I must admit that I’m a bit surprised by my skepticism as I’m the perfect candidate and proponent for mindfulness. I’m a yoga enthusiast and Deepak Chopra lover. Yet, I look around me—especially when at a business conference or with other journalists on deadline—and I wonder HOW can we be more mindful when stretched to the limits with multiple demands—sometimes needing to be met simultaneously.
A few months ago, I interviewed Janice Marturano, founder of The Institute for Mindful Leadership, who left the corporate world behind in order to consult executives on how to become more mindful. In our interview entitled “If Mindfulness can Transform CEOS … Imagine How It Can Help You?!” Janice explained how she works with executives and managers to help them slow down and focus on what’s in front of them. She does this through teaching them how to meditate, ideally, 3 times a day. At the time of our interview, after also seeing how much she helped my brother, I was a huge supporter. I still am a huge supporter of what she is doing. Now that my toes are back in the business world, however, I’m getting a taste of the stress and the “pressure to be on” and I see how hard it is to be mindful in this environment. If you’ve ever been to a board meeting or in the audience of a keynote speaker at a conference, than I don’t need to tell you about the hundreds of blackberries and iphones in the laps of attendees who are multi-tasking by texting, emailing, or reading assignments. CEOs of the household are just as easily distracted. Go to a park or library, and likely you’ll see a mom or dad glued to his/her iphone while the kiddos are on their own. Again, it’s the American Way.
And I write this with a bit of irony. I’ve been away from NavigatingVita for a month. During that time, I’ve juggled business writing and children’s schedules and illnesses—while stressing out about both. Somehow I managed to catapult myself away for a week to the southern most jungle of Costa Rica. While there, even though I had access to wifi at a main eco-lodge, I decided to cut the phone off. I left instructions to call a friend if there was an emergency with the kiddos and decided to brave being on my own without emails, texts, calls. (I was only away for a week, I could handle it right?.) At first, when watching some friends upload pictures on Facebook, or get basketball scores during our communal dinners at the lodge with wifi, I got a twinge of jealousy. After a few days of device detox, however, I found myself more engaged in my world than I have been in a long time. I held my attention and listened deeply when others talked. I looked around me—all the time. Of course, being in the jungle, demands mindful attention to avoid scorpions, lizards or crabs on your path. But when I looked up, I’d sometimes see monkeys swinging, blue butterflies, parrots, wild orchids and iguanas in the trees. I found myself looking around with wonder. I no longer wanted to check email or basketball scores. Twice during the week, I went back up to the eco-lodge with wifi and called my boys via skype to check in. I never turned on my phone, I used a friend’s computer. That was my only “connection” with the outside world. I lived. I thrived. I thought I was cured of my addiction. How wrong I was.
Before I left for Costa Rica, I read two New York Times articles that I cut out to interview experts about for Navigating Vita. They touched a chord when reading them three weeks ago, and my time in the jungle re-inforced their importance. The first by Barbara L. Fredrickson is called Your Phone Vs. Your Heart. It shows, clearly, how children suffer from a lack of eye contact when parents are constantly looking at their phones and not paying attention. The second, is by Alina Tugend: In Mindfulness, a Method to Sharpen Focus and Open Minds, where Alina spends time with experts, including Janice Marturano, to learn how to meditate.
What I thought about both articles, before I left for Costa Rica, pales in comparison to what I’ve learned upon my return. In Costa Rica, an environment that encourages mindful awareness and making appointments with wifi locations to communicate, I let go of my phone addiction. Sure, I was on vacation, but even when I’m not working, I usually tend to over-check the phone. I embraced being in the moment and made a silent vow to write this blog post as one that showed my success at tackling this distracted addiction of mine that most in Americans share. Well, I came back with multiple stories due, meetings to attend, taxes, sick boys, etc. And I found that being back in my old environment with multiple demands, I instantly fell back to my old habits. Sure, I still tried to meditate every day, and managed to squeeze in yoga twice, but it didn’t stop me from texting or calling someone while in the car. I raced back and forth from appointments or kids school or sport functions—all the time clinging to my phone, in case as a client or colleague or even a friend needed to reach me. Just doing that, made me think about those possible needs, instead of listening to my children. I’d worry about an assignment and say, “Sure,” or “Ahuh” absently to something that my four-year-old said.
Who suffers from this sort of distraction? Me. And my boys. I remember when interviewing Janice, that she advised me to turn off my racing mind and actually enjoy the moment—whatever moment—I found myself in. So instead of bringing my business meeting into my shower or my car ride, I need to shut off, and enjoy the ride with the kiddos or the warm water of the shower. By not stressing about all the ins and outs, and being more present, we can all be more productive later. Think about the manager who actually cuts off the phone and listens intently during a meeting, verses the manager who keeps looking at his blackberry or the clock when you’re talking.
I get it. I’m just not living it during times of pressure. Maybe there’s an app for that? 🙂 I know … But seriously. Maybe during my most hectic points of the day, I could set a mindfulness alarm on my phone. “Time to be mindful, Laura” could go off when I’m typically in the car with my boys, for instance. Or maybe: “This is your mindfulness moment. Turn off the phone” could go off just before dinner, bath and books time in the evening, so I can give my boys my undivided attention.
Just an idea. Have any others? Clearly, I could use the help!
This week I’m finishing up an article for a Los Angeles healthcare magazine about youth sport injuries. When I first started this article, I had no idea that it would haunt me as much as the articles I wrote earlier this year on stressed out kids and childhood diabetes. There seems to be an invisible link fueling these three varying topics and intuitively it has to be our American culture. We are a society stewing in a pressure cooker of stress: too many obligations, long work hours, financial strain and the need to succeed. Of course our children feel this pressure cooker environment every bit as much as we do—perhaps more so. And they are navigating through it as best they can.
Since it’s no longer safe for kids to ride bikes freely or play in their hood like we did as children, there’s no wonder that organized sport has taken off. But when more than 35 million kids under 14 years of age are undergoing surgery or other medical treatments for sport injuries—we need to take a step back. (BTW, that statistic is from a 14-year-old study—so likely the number is even higher.)
This week I listened to two well-known orthopedic surgeons in Los Angeles explain to me the type of injuries they treat in patients as young as 8. Can you imagine ACL surgery at 8? But think about it, some children start group sports or club sports as early as 5 or 6. I learned an interesting tidbit from one physician who works with elite athletes…that baseball scouts aren’t as interested in signing pitchers from California anymore. Want to know why? Because Californians are known to work out longer and harder year-round. Our athletic culture, mixed with coaches and parents who like to take advantage of the year-round nice weather, creates exhausted and injured teenagers.
When a pitcher doesn’t get a break to rest—especially those who have been playing since elementary school—they will likely have sustained some serious injuries by the time they are 18. Even professional athletes take a few months off each season. Our children with growing bones and muscles—who may or may not have entered puberty—need time off to rest. (And kiddos who start throwing curve balls early, or who just pitch too often, find themselves injured in middle school. See This New York Times article on the topic.)
As I mentioned, part of the problem is that young children are still growing and they all differ on timing of puberty. One child’s physique at 14 may be much different than another’s. Obviously, that means that not all kids under 14 can be expected to do 100 push ups at a practice—or whatever benchmarks certain coaches have. Physicians emphasize, however, that it’s not varying from routine in sports that can create ACL injury and even alter bone growth in children’s hips. It’s just not safe on ligaments and muscles and bones when repetitive motions are done year-round.
So the kid that focusses on one sport early on and joins a club team that doesn’t allow for proper breaks year-round, will likely sustain “overuse” injuries. This kid who loves the game, and whose parents may have fostered hopes for scholarships, might actually not be as competitive in high school as the child who only played six months a year, took breaks, and enjoyed a variety of sports.
It makes sense. Physicians whose studies show pediatric overuse injuries rising, have helped organized sport organizations create limits: such as a baseball pitching limit per season.
According to a New York Times article on the topic, Little League has established pitch count limits per game and recommended days of rest for pitchers ages 9 to 18. The United States Cycling Federation has imposed gear-ratio limits for riders ages 10 to 16. U.S.A. Swimming recommends the number and length of weekly sessions for various ages of competitive swimmers.
Youth soccer fields are now smaller and baseball bases put closer together for youth games.
While these are advancements—they don’t really change the culture do they? Look at the picture I posted with this story. It’s of a very small child, trying to throw a curve ball. It was posted on Flickr by his parent bragging about the kid’s moxie. I found hundreds of pics of little kids throwing curve balls with posts underneath them from grandparents or parents all saying things like: “That’s my boy!”
Dancers and gymnasts put in grueling hours and sometimes starve themselves to meet their coaches favor. We all know stories about kids who work hard to become Olympic hopefuls or college athletes. It’s encouraged by parents. And while I’m a huge proponent of getting kids in team sports and off the couch—pushing to the extreme is not a good option. Early injuries lead to earlier bouts of arthritis. Shouldn’t we just get back to the basics and have fun? Don’t we want to foster a lifestyle that embraces a lifetime of athleticism and healthy choices? And is it just me, but wouldn’t it be nice to bring back family dinner for at least two weeknight evenings instead of racing from practices to games and ordering in fast food? Seriously, how well are we really teaching our children to take care of their bodies?
Laura Rich, two time Internet start-up founder, author, columnist, former editor and mom to one-year-old Graham.
How Does She Do IT?!
Laura Rich is the perfect candidate for my first How Does She Do IT?!profile within Navigating Vita’s Working Single Mother series. Laura is the co-founder of Street Fight, a news analysis site and research organization dedicated to “hyperlocal” business. Laura is also a veteran business journalist who has worked at Conde Nast Portfolio.com; The Industry Standard and Recessionwire—which she co-founded in 2009. Laura is also known for her past work which includes a column with The New York Times; editor roles with Inc.com and FastCompany.com, as well as authoring the Paul Allen biography: The Accidental Zillionaire. After being a Manhattanite for many years, Laura relocated to Boulder, Colo. where she currently lives and is raising her one-year-old son, Graham. I am so excited to include Laura in this series because anyone who knows Laura personally or professionally (which I’m happy to say I do both!) instantly realizes how hard she works—while making it all seem effortless. We all know that it is NOT effortless to raise a child solo and start a company simultaneously. With that in mind, I sat down with Laura recently and we discussed how she does it all. Of course, she shrugs and thinks it’s not that big of a deal—which gives you a glimpse into her positive attitude and chutzpa—part of her ‘just do it’ mentality that makes me feel rather like a chump for not doing more. 🙂 I hope you find this Q&A as inspiring as I do.
Q: Can you tell our readers what motivated you to launch Street Fight and when you began the process?
LR: I have always been inspired by the formation of new communities and their needs for information and finding one another. “Hyperlocal marketing” was a new industry that had emerged out of the proliferation of mobile apps and new technologies for targeting consumers. These were exciting new developments. I brought my journalism background covering Internet startups to develop a media company that focused exclusively on this new, exciting sector with content and community.
Q: Were you pregnant with Graham at that time?
LR: I was! I had the original idea before I became pregnant, and then I put it on hold through the first trimester with the thought that taking on a new business might be too much at the same time as taking on a new baby. But as I got into my second trimester—you know, when you get that burst of energy!—I also realized that running my own business was the absolute best thing to do for my child. As a single mom, it would give me more control over the time I could spend with my child, and I wouldn’t be stuck on the corporate treadmill, beholden to the man for my salary and health benefits. It has turned out to be absolutely the right decision in that regard!
Q: How did you manage all the travel and meetings and the fundraising aspect while pregnant? Did you experience morning sickness? Did you feel like you had to hide your pregnancy? How did you manage any fears that may have been creeping up?
LR: I didn’t have morning sickness and it was a very easy pregnancy. The travel was only challenging when I was 8 months pregnant and had to fly to New York from Colorado to host a dinner for some of the leading CEOs in the industry that Street Fight covers. It was more exhausting than I expected and I cut my trip short.
As for hiding my pregnancy—I did try too, and that was made easy by the fact that I had the excuse of being in Colorado, far from being able to pop out to see people for meetings in New York and San Francisco. Instead of the pregnancy being my excuse, the distance covered for me. Because I did believe it might give some people pause.
Q: Describe a typical work day scenario for you, balancing out the needs of Graham.
LR: I have a nanny 25 hours/week, so I work very hard and intently during that time. Much of the time, I work from my home office, which makes it wonderful to be able to see Graham here and there, but is increasingly challenging for my nanny, who has to wrangle back a baby who wants to hang out with his mama. So it’s best when I work out of friends’ offices and I’m currently looking for a regular office—which has the added benefit of getting me out of the house! I should also mention that I typically work about four hours at night as well, plus Sunday afternoons when Graham is with his dad, lest anyone think I’ve got this cushy 25-hour workweek. (I wish!)
Q: You recently went on tour with Graham, just kidding, but you did take him with you when you hosted an event in New York. How did you manage the child care and travel when you clearly had so much on your mind?
LR: I do not recommend it! I joke that Graham is no longer invited on trips with me. At least not until he is at least two years old (he had just turned one when we spent two weeks on the east coast with friends and family).
It was definitely very difficult to get any work done during that time, but it was timed well to fall over a holiday week and another week when my business partner was able to cover for me.
— (oh wait, I just read the question more closely—he didn’t come with me when I hosted our Street Fight conference recently, though he did come with me last fall to New York during that conference, but he was just four months old, not mobile, not eating solids, not crawling, not even rolling—so there wasn’t too much to manage. I hired a babysitter who looked after him for 12 hours each day, and during the conference I ran to the office every few hours to pump 🙂
Graham turns one!
Q: Working full time is hard enough for all parents of young children, but single moms who live far from family have to become incredibly dexterous and inventive in times of crisis. Do you have a moment you can share when you had to become incredibly ingenious to manage it all? (Has Graham had an emergency or illness on a critical meeting or travel day, for instance?) If so, can you describe what you did to balance it all?
LR: I don’t know. It feels like that describes every day. It’s not easy being isolated and far from family. I do have Dom (Graham’s father) to help me with things like adjusting the crib when I couldn’t figure it out.
But Graham did have surgery last month and the first night was kind of hard—he was really upset and the usual things didn’t do the trick. It was a little overwhelming to have to figure out how to soothe the poor little guy all by myself.
Q: What advice do you have for other single moms venturing out into the business world or who’d like to launch a company? Should they not discuss their status as a parent or single mom when meeting with clients or investors? And how best should they tackle the fear that they may not be able to handle it all?
LR: Absolutely they should not discuss their status—unless the other party is discussing their own situation and it seems similar or it seems appropriate to discuss. I don’t care whether you’re single or married, childless or loaded with kids—it’s just not often appropriate to lead with anything like that. It’s distracting from the matter at hand: business.
As for tackling fears—I’ve always found the best way to get past fears is to just jump in and get started. Fears hold you back, so you just have to ignore them and get going. (Not that I haven’t been hugely guilty of this myself at times!)
Q: Do you have concrete advice about certain tools or baby gear that helped you more than others? For instance, traveling solo with a baby and brief case and computer and possible other gear. How did you do it? What products worked or didn’t work for you?
LR: I only traveled once with him on a work occasion and he was 4 months old, so it was pretty easy. No toys or food or bottles to tote around. I have a single back for my laptop and wallet and phone etc., so I just threw a few diapers, wipes and burp cloths in there for when we were on the plane. Otherwise, he wasn’t with me when I was running around in work mode. I may have to figure that all out this year!
Q: Over the years freelancing for FitPregnancy magazine and the Industry Standard I have written a few articles about “mommy discrimination” in the corporate workplace. (Subtle discrimination might include getting passed-over for promotions when you are pregnant, and not-so-subtle discrimination could be a boss suggesting that you won’t be able to handle your job after you return from maternity leave.) Do you think prejudice against mothers in high profile roles is starting to erode? Are there changes that you’d like to see happen in perceived stereotypes, for instance?
LR: I think that talking about your personal life is just not usually appropriate for business settings, but perhaps in certain industries it’s more okay than others, and perhaps certain geographic markets than others.
With that said, I didn’t really experience that (kind of discrimination) but I owned my own business, and I had already been working with my main consulting client. But as you know, as we discussed, it doesn’t seem fair to me, from an employer perspective, to hide pregnancy from a new prospective employer. I’d really resent that and it would not set them up well in their job—but that’s not about being a mom, it’s about being honest about circumstances that would have an impact on a potential employer.
Q: Do you have a ritual that helps you shed your mommy self and get focussed on business to start the day? Do you meditate? Did you learn to let go and trust the nanny? (If that was hard for you, any advice?) Do you exercise daily?
LR: Unfortunately I am already in work mode the moment I wake up. I grab my phone and check my email first thing—and since my business partner and others on the east coast, our work is already underway. The question for me is more, how do I tear myself away from that and focus on my little baby guy. So I try to just keep the technology nowhere nearby (unless expecting an important client call or email) during my time with Graham.
Q: Finally, what’s next for you? Another child? Another company to launch? Another book to write? All of the above? 🙂
LR: I have no idea! I used to be a big planner, but I’m trying to learn to be less of one and just experience life as it comes. 🙂
A little stress is to be expected when pregnant. But severe stress is extremely dangerous for mom and baby. Not only are high levels of stress and anxiety bad for you—but cortisol, the hormone released and triggered during these times—crosses the blood:brain barrier and the placenta.
High levels of cortisol is now linked to preterm labor, and researchers from the Royal College of London have also discovered that too much of the stress hormone creates life-long harmful effects for your baby. (There are many studies to read, but they are quite difficult with medical lingo…This article by The Guardian is quite good, as is this by Science Daily, explaining how dangerous preterm birth can be. ) Research shows that cortisol in the womb puts the unborn baby at risk for behavioral problems, anxiety, aggression and learning disabilities down the line. And, as mentioned, too much cortisol can trigger preterm labor—which, if too early in pregnancy—can have dire consequences for your unborn child.
When reading studies linking stress with multiple health risks for infants, it seemed clear that women needed some practical information. Just knowing that stress can hurt your baby, can actually cause you even more stress, don’t you think? So with that in mind, I loved identifying the top stressors during pregnancy, with expert advice on how to deal with them. The Fit Pregnancy cover article: “Beat The 4 Biggest Pregnancy Stressors,” is on news stands this month and I can’t recommend a better issue for your Labor Day reading. (And I’m not just saying that because one of my articles is in the August/September issue! I promise I don’t get paid per magazine purchased!!)
It’s not surprising, in this economy, that money and work are the biggest stressors facing pregnant women. If you are expecting right now, or trying to conceive, I don’t have to tell you that the economic climate is poor. Finances are likely your biggest concern. I also don’t need to explain why you might be anxious about telling your boss you are pregnant. Even if it isn’t talked about much— pregnancy discrimination does exist. It may be subtle—such as being passed over for a promotion while you are pregnant. And…it may be NOT-so-subtle, such as a boss suggesting that you likely won’t be able to carry out all your duties after you return from maternity leave. During economic downturns, corporate climates often cool in terms of additional company benefits and perks. (I used to write about careers and work-life balance for The Industry Standard, Forbes Best of the Web and The New York Times as a freelancer.) I recall my heart beating rapidly as I interviewed a pregnant employee of a start-up who had been fired and had to sue for discrimination. These cases are rare, but it’s clear that mommy discrimination does exist in some corporate cultures. (Here’s a link to a Moms @ Work column I wrote for Fit Pregnancy with interview advice and expert suggestions to avoid mommy discrimination. And “Pregnancy Discrimination Persists” by Maria Vega is great as it outlines your rights as a pregnant worker. )
As one might imagine, stress with money and employment must adversely affect your relationships. So, number 3 is relationship stress—and boy, I wish I had this expert advice when I was expecting both of my boys!
Finally, the fourth stressor is health. Anyone with a pre-existing medical condition, such as cancer, knows what it is like to live with stress. But some of us panic at every pain or flu-like symptom and the panic—itself— can cause cortisol levels to surge. This surge is what you want to avoid. I loved speaking with the exerts who outlined specific ways to lower your stress.
These expert tips are life-savers and I really wish I had them when pregnant with both of my boys. Stress in American culture is just something we have to combat. My time in Italy this summer, as well as my trips to France over the years, make me wonder if the lower rates of ADD and ADHD among their children has something to do with their more-relaxed culture. This is obviously for another article, but there has be a link between the stress in our American fast-paced lives and unforgiving corporate cultures, and these behavioral conditions we find in so many of our children in America (one in 20). Lets try to reduce those rates. I hope this article helps you and lessens your stress and allows you to bring a bit more joy into your life as you build the life inside you. Write in and let me know if this article helped, or share additional tips to lessen anxiety for other moms-to-be! Finally, additional perks with this issue include a breast-feeding guide, surprising super foods for baby and exercise tips!
Last month I wrote the cover article for Pulse Magazine. It was more than just a look into autism and its causes and behavioral checklists for families—the type of articles I have written for parenting publications in the past. No, this article was an in-depth exploration into how families cope with the disorder and what resources are available to them. I was moved when talking with families who have tried multiple therapies and who have stayed together while sacrificing so much of their lives and personal time and careers to fight for the wellbeing of their children. While this magazine article is tailored for Southern California readers— the stories of the many families I interviewed will inspire you by their sheer determination and positive energy that seems boundless.
And boundless, positive energy is critical today after the American Psychiatric Association has endeavored to “redefine autism,” potentially limiting the numbers of families who will now qualify for assisted therapies. (See this New York Times article to read more on this unfolding development.) Even when facing an uncertain future in terms of assisted therapy and programs—each family I spoke with were determined to find alternative ways to help their children. If you’ve ever thought that one person couldn’t make a difference, I dare you to continue to think that way after hearing Sam Felsenfeld’s story. In honor of his son Jack, Sam ran a marathon each week in 2010—61 marathons and two ultra-marathons—to raise money for autism research and public awareness. He has raised more than $150,000 for Train4Autism and the 39-year-old father of three is still running. (You can read about his daily endeavors on his blog OperationJack.)
Risks:
This morning I was inspired to write and promote my article on autism after watching a CNN brief about how a study determined that the age of sperm carries risk factors for delivering a child with autism. (Read this New York Times article to read more about how the age of the father carries potential risks for autism and Schizophrenia.) It’s certainly compelling. For many years the state of California has been deemed the state with the most autism cases in America. (Surprisingly, Utah just jumped ahead this year…) In fact, the number of children with autism has tripled in California since 2002. I recall attending a panel for Fit Pregnancy magazine (where I freelance often) and a doctor suggested that both environmental and genetic factors were to blame for the disorder’s rise. No one knows for sure, but determining that the age of sperm carries risk factors, is an important step—especially in the age of older parents and the popularity of fertility treatments. A Scientific American study revealed clusters of autism in California’s city centers (twice the national rate), which lends me to believe that there may be some validity in a link between the age of parents and autism risks. (As most people know, older, new parents can be found in larger cities where many delay having children until after pursing careers or higher educational goals.)
What do you think? Perhaps there is NO one risk. Perhaps it’s a whirlwind of factors that, when crashed together, puts your child at high risk. Perhaps it’s part genetic, part environmental and part age of sperm and/or egg. Why some children are on one end of the spectrum and fight just to attain speech—while others are born with less severe symptoms and race forward in therapy and are able to attend college and become independent—is baffling to experts. There is no one autistic child or one autistic experience. If you have a child with any level of this disorder—I’m sure you’re only concern is that of helping your child thrive and attend school and later to navigate social cues and be able to find a job and become independent as an adult. It can seem overwhelming to the outsider, but if it’s your child—it’s your passion and your life. I get it. Here’s hoping Obama’s healthcare endeavors will get more children—regardless of where they fall in the new and developing definition of the disorder—approved for assisted occupational therapies.
And finally, here’s hoping that more of us without autistic children teach our kids to become more accepting of others. Because, at the end of the day, we all need to embrace the wonderful and sometimes whimsical children with this disorder—as often times, they have much to teach us.
Single parents always watch their budgets—so I know it’s a hard sell to convince us to stock up our pantry with expensive items. But believe me, it will make life SO much easier if you do. With certain go-to items always on your shelves, you can whip up a last-minute pasta, chicken or fish dish that is healthy and flavorful for your kiddos. And from an expense perspective, stocking up the pantry with these items each month will save you money in the long run. Ordering pizza or grabbing fast food two or three times a week isn’t as cheap as you think. If you haven’t read this New York Times article, “Is Junk Food Really Cheaper?” I highly recommend it!
Even if you don’t go out to eat much during the week, serving your children processed foods like chicken nuggets and hotdogs or frozen or canned meals— loaded up with sodium—sets them on the path to obesity, or a limited palate at the very least. My time living in Europe inspired me to try to always serve one meal and eat with my children—helping them to develop healthier, broader tastes—and letting us enjoy more quality time together. Trust me, kids will eat what you do, eventually. I saw my son when he was three (now 10) eating chicken curry pie with beats and parsnips at his nursery school in London. It’s eye-opening, but for another blog post.
So, as I was saying, I know it’s exhausting after a long day at work to come home and cook and then have clean-up later. But I promise you if you can aim to do it five nights a week, it will improve your health, your waistline and your children’s health dramatically. Here are my monthly must-have pantry items. They have been lifesavers on many evenings as I’ve been able to throw together tasty pasta or add more flavor to veggies, sides or invent a quick pork or chicken dish. If you have a Trader Joe’s or a CostCo near you, you can really save money stocking up on these. And if you have any to add to my list, please chime in! I’d love to know your favorite staples.
Olives (I’m in love with spanish green with whole garlic cloves in the center at the moment, but also have canned black, green and mixed on hand.)
Canned White Tuna Fish in Water. (Only eat once a week, at the most, due to methyl mercury. Read this article I wrote about the top pollutants for our children.)
I can’t stop thinking about The New York Timesarticle “Untying the Knot in Japan” by Paige Ferrari. In fact, ever since reading the article that outlines this new Japanese trend of divorce ceremonies, I can’t stop the steady stream of images from daydreams, clearly inspired by this idea. Obviously, I crave closure. One snippet of my dream keeps popping into my mind—like disjointed, still frame, romantic images. I even sent a message to my soon-to-be Ex about wanting to have a divorce ceremony. Not surprisingly, he didn’t reply.
Perhaps I’ll just have one on my own. Before reading this article, I had thought (once the divorce was final) I’d invite a friend or two to come with me as I throw my wedding band off the end of one of the Southern California piers into the Pacific Ocean. I imagined I’d say a few things before the toss about mixed blessings; becoming stronger; putting my sons first; or living a better life. But now I see what I really want is a ceremony that would honor the 12 years my husband and I spent together. I’d love a ceremony that is like a symbolic blessing to us both—releasing us to move on and inspiring us to be respectful of one another for the sake of our boys.
In Ferrari’s article, a divorce ceremony is outlined where both the ex-husband and ex-wife come together, say a few words in front of a witness, and then both use a hammer to crush their wedding bands. It’s a somber occasion, but one that respects their former union, blesses the two to move on, and confirms the importance of their child’s health and happiness. More ex-couples would benefit from a ceremony such as this, don’t you think? Since I’ll likely never have one with my Ex who lives in London, I will dream of one that allows me to let go and continue on with beauty and hope.
In my recurring dream, a paper lantern floats wobbly in a river—the candle light inside flickering in and out through a heavy layer of fog. It moves with fragility in the water and I am compelled to reach out to it. I have been waiting for it alone on a dock and I stretch to reach it, but can not. I am frightened that the light will burn out, so I stretch my body along the scratchy wood planks of the dock, my upper torso dangling precariously over the water. Finally one long finger touches the side of the lantern and I pull it towards me. I lift it up and put my wedding ring inside. I let myself think for a moment about the beauty of our wedding, the sweetness of our love that day, and the hope we both once had. Inside the other crease of the lantern, I place two folded pieces of paper with messages to my soon-to-be ex-husband.
“Don’t forget your boys,” is written on one note.
“I forgive you,” on the other.
I visualize all the hurt and pain that I have felt over the past two years as a smoke rising from a flame. The wind lifts it up in the crisp night air and allows it to combine with the fog. I place the paper lantern with my ring and messages back into the river and push it gently into the current.
As I watch it drift away, I let go of all anger and bitterness.
I close my eyes, envision my beautiful boys, and allow myself to feel blessed in this parting.
For almost two years now I have been haunted by playgrounds. I dreaded going to them. In fact, passing by one used to make me want to run to the nearest trash can to vomit. I’m not kidding. But to be fair, I wasn’t haunted by the playgrounds themselves—but rather by some of the moms who go. I can’t tell you how many times I left playgrounds in the past two years with a pit of sadness so vast and so deep lodged inside my belly, or with eyes filled with tears that I always hid behind fabulous, big sunglasses and a large smile. I’d wave at the moms and cheerfully say goodbye, tickling my toddler’s toes as I left. See, I became the master of “fake it till you make it.” And, I’ll be damned if my baby doesn’t get to have as much fun as anyone else’s at the playground. But I tortured myself for a very, long time.
If you’re new to my blog, or don’t know me, you might think this sounds strange. I mean, shouldn’t all moms love to watch their angels run and play? Most of us do. The kiddos don’t bother me at all—it’s the banter between the other moms that used to get to me. See, I’m going through a difficult divorce (of course they all are, right?) I’ve been separated from my husband for two years now. He took a job that required him to travel to Europe for two weeks a month when our youngest was five months old and by the time the baby was about eight months old, I discovered that he had a serious girlfriend abroad. They are still together in Europe and I take care of our two precious boys pretty much all the time. It’s a bitter pill to swallow and I’ve been learning that no one really wants to hear about it.
It’s not like I’m the only woman getting a divorce in Southern California—FAR from it. But, typically, the women who are going through a divorce here don’t have babies. You’ll find more separated moms with middle and high school-aged children. So going to the tot lot (playground for babies and toddlers) was extremely difficult for me. Most of the moms are young and conversation topics range from bitching about what their husbands have done or haven’t done—to why the contractor is taking forever to renovate their kitchen—to why they can’t wait till their husbands take the kids for the day so they can get a much-deserved spa treatment.
For a year I tended to focus on my little cherub, run around with him and *try* to zone these women out. But, inevitably, I’d get drawn into a conversation—women love to talk! Or, I might find myself standing literally between two women whose kids are playing with mine and I couldn’t help but listen.
I’d smile and nod as if I could understand their complaints, but inside I’d want to scream “I’m just fucking grateful if I get to shower every day!”
Many times the women would ask what my husband does and I’d just say something about working abroad and change the subject. I can’t tell you how many times conversations turned to questions about how I lost the baby weight so quickly. “What’s your secret?” was asked to me over and over again. I’d want to answer: “The secret to weighing 97 pounds when your baby is nine months old is to go through HELL!” But I’d just smile and shrug and reply breastfeeding. I had no desire to tell them that I was in the middle of a divorce and that my husband was gone for two months at a time and when he did return, saw the boys for a day, maybe two. Having one more person feel sorry for me was just too hard to bare. Plus, I was desperately trying to stay sane and focus on the positive in my life. So the few times I did let my guard down with friends, afterwards I’d see the sympathy in their faces and I’d want to scream, “It’s OK! Really!” or, “I’m better off! We’ll be fine!”
Needless to say, I started avoiding playgrounds and started taking my wee one to the beach during the week. I’d go to the playgrounds on weekends when they tended to be filled with dads giving their exhausted wives a break. In my emotionally-fragile condition, dads were just easier to be around. It was refreshing to see men who actually gave their wives a break. I don’t begrudge anyone of that. Plus, dads just don’t bitch about their wives or their exhausting lives. It’s quite rare to hear anything along that vein. And they also don’t hover over their kids and start asking you questions about preschool choices, your husband, your dinners, etc. Some dads do run around with their kids, but many are also reading newspapers, checking their blackberries, or talking with other dads about the latest and greatest sporting event. I’ve also noticed that kids with dads on weekends at the park run around on their own, get into fights, settle them on their own, get sunburned, eat junk food and … SURVIVE. Watching these dads gave me an idea. If being a full-time, single mom was getting me down, I needed a sanity plan! I mean, I do play both mommy and daddy roles, right? So why not take on a few daddy characteristics? So just before Jamesy’s second birthday, I enrolled him into a small family-run daycare. I began to focus on my writing again, getting a shower every day, working out, eating (I needed to gain a few lbs!) and garnering precious adult conversations with new friends where topics rarely ventured on my sad life. It’s worked out great and Jamesy loves his school.
Today, I do take my little guys to playgrounds. But you’ll only find me there usually on weekends. I always take my older son with me and he is charged with playing with his baby brother. He can’t bring his nintendo or play games on my phone. No, his job is to run around with baby James. And you know what you’ll find me doing? I’ll be sitting on the park bench reading The New York Times. Between articles, I look up, make sure my little guys are alright or put sunscreen on them, and then go back to reading. You might say on weekends I’ve become one of the guys. And my boys, well, they’re doing just fine.
There is now scientific proof that I’m not losing my mind (ok, I know that may still be debatable) I’m just making WAY too many decisions on a daily basis. John Tierney‘s article in the New York Times magazine makes complete sense to me.
Researchers have shown that people become fatigued after making multiple decisions—even mundane ones such as which shoes to wear, or whether to have cream in your coffee instead of milk. Making decisions takes mental energy and by the end of the day exhausts the mind. Tierney used the example of completing a wedding registry. If you’ve ever done this, you may understand. I remember after hours of pouring over items to register for, no longer caring what type of crystal or china pattern we chose. I actually sat down and let my then fiance pick whatever type he wanted. I was done.
Every day life decisions gradually build up mental fatigue that opens the door to having less will power and often avoiding making decisions altogether, says Tierney. Even the smartest and healthiest of us aren’t immune. Decision fatigue could be why we might snap at our children or at colleagues when it is out of our nature to do so. As a single mom of two adorable, yet challenging kiddos, I can completely relate! By 6 p.m. on a Friday after a long week, if the two-year-old is screaming for ice cream before dinner—there’s actually a 50/50 chance that he might get his way. Two years ago, I would never have considered it. I know that my new-found mental laziness is a result of making WAY too many decisions on a daily basis. By Friday night, my mind is on Tilt.
The article points out ways to lessen the effects of decision fatigue such as taking work breaks, exercising, eating healthily, not skipping meals, and getting a good night’s sleep. These are fairly well-known tips for healthy living in general. I think I’m in need of some additional approaches. I typically fall asleep each night with the baby at 8:30 or 9, eat fairly well, and have always exercised on a regular basis. But not having a break from the kids for two months at a time, puts me in a special category. I think anyone who finds themselves the sole decision maker for other people, such as single parents or sole caregivers of aging parents—need additional strategies to lessen the brain drain. And if you’re under additional stressors, such as going through a divorce or financial strain—there’s no wonder that every day decisions like what’s for dinner can be over-whelming.
As the main parent of two children, whose father lives abroad, I make all the decisions for my children on a daily basis. I used to be such a good juggler and somewhat spontaneous. Now, I can easily become overwhelmed when juggling work and typical parenting decisions such as researching preschools or picking extracurricular activities for my under-challenged nine-year-old. Perhaps the only way I can keep tackling the mounting decisions is to reduce as many mundane ones as I can—even if that means I begin to live a somewhat predictable and planned life for a while. Here are some thoughts:
– Set my phone’s alarm at a specific time of the day to remind me to take my vitamins and drink water.
– Sign up for a regular exercise class with a friend. I no longer need to decide whether or not to take a pilates class, I just do, twice a week at a set time.
– Ask Drs to email reminders for all important appointments, so my children and I don’t miss annual checkups.
– One day a week is pizza night. Done.
– One night a week is picnic in the park. Sandwiches for the kiddos, exercise before bed, no clean up at home. Everyone wins.
– The part-time nanny grocery shops from a regular list and cooks dinner the night she is here.
– Set a carpool schedule for soccer game pick-ups.
– One day a week, at a specific time, tackle mail and bills.
– No more late-night writing.
– And perhaps most importantly, once a month, nanny spends the night and I check OUT.
I’ll let you know how these strategies pan out! In the mean time, I can’t wait to read Roy F. Baumeister‘s book out next month: “Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength.”
AloneTogether: Single Moms Support Group (This is a closed group, please say you found their site from me, Laura Roe Stevens, when requesting to join.)
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Alone-Together-Single-Moms-Support-Group/47147016846
SingleMom.com
The UCLA Family Commons: http://www.uclacommons.com/
Single Parent Housing: www.SPAOA.org
Pell Grants For Mothers: PellGrants.ClassesAndCareers.com
