Tag Archives: love that doesn’t hurt

Time to Rock the Boat

 

rocktheboat

 

I took this picture when on a sail boat in Mexico this summer. The water got a little choppy. The guys in charge were a little tipsy. I had a choice to make: get stressed out and fearful, or relax, trust and snap pictures of an amazing sunset. Thank God I was able to do the later. What a sunset! 🙂

With that said, there are definitely times in my life when I need to rock my own boat a little. Not stir the waters and create unnecessary drama, but to say how I feel in the moment and acknowledge when someone is hurting me and let them know how I’m feeling honestly. Too many times in my life, I find my metaphorical boat, my life, affected by someone else’s choices and I remain quiet, or act as if everything is OK or not a big deal, for fear that I’ll lose that person. And sure enough, the Universe keeps sending me friends who do just that: leave when I finally muster up the courage to say that something’s bothering me. So I’ve been letting a lot of people I care about go. But givers attract takers, so when a relationship is established firmly with one person always giving and not rocking the boat, the minute she stops giving and calls the other person’s behavior into question, it just isn’t tolerated. Read my article: Giving To Yourself This Holiday Season to see if you are an over-giver.

How often have I swallowed my own feelings in order to have smooth sailing within relationships? But relationships are for growth. They are not for one person to give to another and never get angry when taken advantage of or lied to. To always stay easy going, even when when being treated insensitively, is not a good trait. That is the behavior of someone with little self worth or a lot of fear of abandonment.

I know this now. And it’s been a hard and wonderful year. I’ve let go of two dear friends I love. It was sort of easy. When I was honest about how I felt, about the imbalance in the relationship, about lies, about toxic behavior and manipulation, both people exploded (how dare I not be there for them always, no matter what, and how dare I call their behavior into question!) and then ended the friendships. They did what I would never do. Another soul I’ve loved I let go. When I could see that I was giving too much and hoping for oranges when this person would only ever give me lemons, I said I needed to let go. I miss this person, but it just wasn’t meant to be or else he’d have stepped up by now. Letting go can be a kind and compassionate choice as it allows the Universe to send in someone available and loving and emotionally secure enough to talk about feelings and be supportive.

 

It’s a learning curve. After my mother died in late May, I was reminded during the funeral just how much she gave to everyone in her life. Giving is a good thing, don’t get me wrong. She was a social worker and a loved volunteer and wonderful mother. I miss her dearly. But she never really got angry at her husband, even through all the drinking, lies and affairs. I don’t really think she thought she deserved that experience, but she was from another generation. Plus, southern women were taught to smile and act like everything is ok. Ever hear Miranda Lambert’s song Mama’s Broken Heart?

I can SO relate to this song! The line: “My mama came from a softer generation, where you get a grip, and you bite your lip, just to save a little face.”

I think I internalized that a lot. Maybe it’s why I’ve attracted men who cheated, lied, or were just emotionally unavailable to me? The Universe has a way of mirroring our beliefs. My experience in childhood defined my reality. Until Now.

Back then I couldn’t love a healthy person because I felt more at home with someone unhealthy: what I knew and grew up with. If a child grows up with a father who drinks too much, makes fun of his wife, belittles her, and then is abusive in other ways within the family—and it is NOT tolerated to ever confront or talk about feelings without getting hurt or ignored—this child will have more of a comfort level for this sort of behavior and will internalize it and basically take more shit from others.

Until I dealt with it, let it go, and dropped the belief that speaking my mind would leave me abandoned or hurt, I kept attracting those who did just that, ironically, reinforcing that belief.

This I now know for sure (I feel it on a cellular level) if I want to attract love, understanding, respect and compassion from others, I have to give that to myself first and know that I deserve it. Saying no to someone who keeps asking or who keeps taking without giving,  is saying yes to me. Those who take advantage or don’t reciprocate, I need to let go of, and allow their energy to drift away from my life so I can create balance. To give AND receive is necessary for our chi, our life force, to remain vibrant.

This year has been eye-opening for me. I have more clarity, understanding and awareness than ever before. Memories have come back through intensive yoga and meditation. Insight that I could never have had has come through the sharing with friends and other beautiful souls who are now close dear friends, some I’m working with at New Kind of Rebel. (check them out!)

We are all on a journey. We are eternal and chose this journey. Yup. Those who have hurt me the most I chose. They are my teachers and before coming into this lifetime, loved me so much they signed up to hurt me and help wake me up. My evolution has been dependent on them in many ways. That’s my belief. And it keeps me loving those in my life, even if from a distance, to remain healthy. I have so much love for my journey and for yours. I have so much more peace once I can detach a little from it too, and know that my eternal soul, the light that existed before this body, and will after this body is gone, is evolving and growing. Those who have helped me to grow, I give thanks to. I pray with all my heart that those who are suffering can find this sort of compassionate detachment, through meditation and prayer, to see the light and love that is available to them and within them.

Thanks, as always, for reading my meandering prose.

With so much love,

Laura xo

 

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The Grass is Greener Where You Water It

A wise friend told me this and I’ve repeated it to several women recently. I’ve had so many conversations over the past three weeks with a variety of new and old girlfriends who seem be to stuck or tempted by the grass is greener ideology. For instance, one married woman lamented to me that she was a bit jealous of my single status. “I miss getting butterflies while getting ready for a new date! I miss the first kiss, the romance. You’re so lucky.”

Another married woman said to me that she was tempted to cheat. “I can’t stand the monotony. I get criticized for not making a stellar dinner. He points out if I’ve gained a pound, but just sits and watches football and drinks too much. Where’s the fun in that?”

I understand. Really.

Interestingly, it’s not always rosy for the separated and divorced women out in the dating world. Some of my divorced and separated friends seem to be on collision courses. In their frantic search for a new man, they are with people who have addictions or just treat them poorly because that’s who they are. I can’t quite get it.

“I just can’t be without a man,” said one woman who is with the wrong person and knows it. (A person addicted, mentally unstable and unable to NOT hurt her.)

“But maybe he’s treating me this way because he’s confused,” said another who is putting up with so much cruelty from a man that it’s unbelievable and too painful for me to watch anymore.

So I told these women in my life two things (not that I’m a savant, but taking time off from men can really clear your head!)

One: “The Grass is Greener Where You Water It.”

Two: (aka Gloria Steinem): “A Woman Without a Man, is Like a Fish Without a Bicycle.” Think about it. (By the way, I was reading Steinem’s book Revolution From Within in the kitchen of a newspaper where I was reporter in Maryland back in 1992/93 when the publisher walked in, looked at me, and said, “Shit.” He spit out his tobacco in a nearby trash can and continued, “I knew you were smart, but now you’re going to start asking for a raise. Put that Steinem crap away and get back to work.” KID YOU NOT!)

I know I can’t help my friends with their serious issues. (And I understand them as I recognize them in myself.) I can’t make them see that they are lovable. I can’t make them see that they are beautiful. I can’t make them understand that instead of quickly demanding a man commit to them, they might want to take a breather and decide whether or not that new man is worthy of their commitment. How do I help them realize that they are wonderful and deserve love that doesn’t hurt?

I guess I can’t do that. I can only take care of myself. So, I’ve decided to take a time out from men. Why not? This past month four married men propositioned me. (Seriously? What is UP with that?!)

Anyone who knows me well knows that even the most chiseled man couldn’t get my number if he has a wedding ring on. And there lies another problem … many men nowadays just take them off.

But this isn’t the main reason why I’m taking a time out. I’m not as jaded as I could be! No, I’m just exhausted. So thank you to the friends who want to set me up on dates, but no thanks for now. Taking care of two kiddos solo 24/7 is tiring. I love them dearly and thank God for my boys every day. But there’s only so much space in my life. I’m giving it to them (and me) right now.

Secondly, I’m the personality type (cough, can you say co-dependent?!) that puts another person’s needs WAY before my own. I’ve done it my whole life. Maybe you can relate to that one? I tend to wrap myself around the important person in my life and cater to their needs and put my own very far down the list. It’s time to get re-introduced to myself. I had no idea how bad it was until I was on the phone with one of my best friends, whom I’ve known for 25 years. Here’s how the conversation went:

“I’m SO excited! I’ve decided to hire the nanny and go away for a weekend.” I say to her six weeks ago. (She knew I had been brave and broken up with my first boyfriend since my ex-husband. It’s hard to walk away, but I’m learning to take care of myself.)

Great, where are you going dare devil,” she replies.

“I have no idea.”

“Wow.”

“I know. I’m stumped. I can’t even think of what I want to do or where I want to go.”

There’s a brief pause.

“Is this the same girl who traveled nonstop solo, taking new reporter jobs in random places just to travel. The girl I’d have to track down constantly, who moved to New York on a whim to write and who has at least 25 addresses in my address book?”

“Um, I think so. It’s just been so long you know. I’ve been in lockdown with the kids for two years, I can’t think straight.”

“Yeah. It’s crazy. You don’t even know what you like anymore. But I know who you are and what you like. Wow, you are so lost. Go somewhere, hole up and write.”

I hung up with her and thought about that.

Wow. I really couldn’t think of where I should go or what I should do with any time off. It’s like I had become the caged bird in I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. It’s not quite that bad, but you get the idea.

At the last minute, I decided to cancel the solo trip for financial reasons, but it got me thinking, I really need to get back to the basics. Instead of taking what little time I have to go out on dates and to search for another someone in my life, I’m better off writing, working out, going to Al-Anon (long story) and getting to know who I am again.  You can’t build up strength on a shaky platform.

So, I’ve decided not to heed the warning of one man whose argument to begin an affair with him started with the fact that I wouldn’t be this attractive forever—presumably to be able to attract the likes of him … How sweet right? Be still my heart.

No, I’m going to take the risk of mother time creeping up on me and adding a few more wrinkles and thwarting hot prospects from entering my life in order to focus on … well … me. For once.

If you’re one of those single mommas who are spinning like a top in the dating world, what do you think? Can you try a time out for sanity’s sake too? Let me know how it goes and please share your tips of survival if you are still venturing out in this crazy dating world. Lots of love and luck to you if you are! x