Tag Archives: infidelity in marriage

Women Who Cheat and Open Marriages

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Cat Woman: The Ultimate Schemer

A social researcher confirmed some beliefs I’ve held for a long time now. First, that women are almost always premeditated cheaters who justify their decisions by blaming their husbands. Second, that, unlike men, in their premeditated schemes, women demand to have their cake and eat it too—right from the start. What I mean, is that women who cheat expect their paramours to only cheat with them, i.e. be faithful to them, when ironically, they are married, or both are. Women’s innate desire for attachment and emotional connection, makes cheating almost always a dangerous situation that will inevitably destroy families.

Eric Anderson, Ph.D., is a sociologist, professor and author whose studies focus on attitudes regarding sex and sexual orientation, as well as attitudes towards the sexual orientation of athletes. I’ve followed his career over the past few years and interviewed him via email last year and this week. (Last year his book The Monogamy Gap: Men, Love and The Reality of Cheating received a lot of buzz. In my interview with him entitled Is Cheating the ONLY Rational Choice for Married Men?, he outlined why open marriages are a good option for couples.)

Since Dr. Anderson only interviewed men last year in his study regarding monogamy, I asked whether or not he’d ever conduct studies about women. His research is just about concluded and he found, by following hundreds of women on the Ashley Madison website, that women plan, while men often fall into cheating. After reading thousands of conversations from women, he saw a pattern of most seeking someone to have an affair with—while blaming their husbands for their decisions to cheat.

“So I can’t say how many cheated. I can say that of the 100, 35-45 year old women on the site, they basically all blamed their husbands for a lack of passion, but none wanted to leave their husbands,” Anderson explained.

“Instead, they scapegoated their husbands ‘lack of passion’ as a euphemissm to correctly and politely say that they were desiring some sex, but that they wanted some emotion with it.”

Many of you may say that men do the same thing. And I’m not saying that they don’t. TRUST ME. But more often then not, Anderson says, men will just happen upon the opportunity. They don’t think for months ahead of time, about the justifications for wanting to cheat. In fact, most men, will just start to crave variety, even if happy in their marriages and even if religious or highly value keeping the family intact. (I surmise that all the justifications for the cheating and continued lying by men come afterwards if they continue to cheat with one person and it develops into an affair.)

As mentioned, women, more often then not, make the opportunity. So, by that I mean, many men that cheat do not have an unhappy marriage. In fact, they may be having sex with their wives, whom they love, three times a week. But the chance of having sex with a new, attractive person, is just hard to pass up if the opportunity presents itself. It’s rarely a love-at-first-sight kind of thing for men.

Another big difference, according to Anderson, is that men don’t desire a long-term, restrictive affair if they are going to cheat. In fact, an anonymous one-night stand would be their preference. The hard part about that, is that woman who cheat, often have claws. Many just refuse to let go after the first roll in the hay—or even before they have sex. Most women that Anderson studied on Ashley Madison, stated—before having an affair—that they didn’t want the other person they cheat with to have sex with anyone else.

“Interesting, however, unlike men who want sex without emotion and with many others, they (women) wanted ONE person to be a serial cheater with. They wanted monogamy with their non-monogamy! Fascinating,” Anderson said via email this week.

So it seems that men’s need for variety often makes them vulnerable to becoming ensnarled in the arms of a paramour, who just won’t let go—risking their marriages and the welfare of their children. If most men could see the end results before going into a situation like that, I think many would likely walk away. Since men are wired for sexual variety, according to Anderson, open relationships could save many a marriage. But, I imagine that it’s  a hard subject to bring up with wives, isn’t it? It’s far easier to have a one-night-stand. Sadly, women who cheat, want much more than that. And, there lies the rub.

Now that I’m clear about the reasons women cheat—and what they want from the person they cheat with—I’m not sure how an open relationship would work within a heterosexual marriage. Wouldn’t the other women in the dynamic become a potential problem for a couple if she became attached to your husband? Or, what if the wife began to prefer another man over her husband? It’s a risk isn’t it? And the idea of only having sex, occasionally with strangers is a bit scary too, especially for women. So that same dynamic within women who crave emotional attachment, just gets in the way. Perhaps successful open marriages are easier to achieve within same-sex male couples? What do you think? How many traditional married couples would welcome occasional, non-emotional sex, periodically, with strangers? Would it be exciting? Would it make both in the marriage less likely to cheat? Would it strengthen the marriage or erode it’s intimacy? Watch Anderson’s interview this week on HuffPostLive where he outlines his case for open marriages and get back me. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

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Avoiding Narcissists: Top NV Post

I launched Navigating Vita a little more than a year ago and, like with any anniversary, I’ve been looking back on this time in my life. In my effort to learn what resonates with my readers, I’ve also taken note of which posts are read more than others. If the most popular blog posts are any indicator—finding love and having a good laugh top your list. (And they top mine, too!) So it is with little surprise that one of my first written posts: How NOT to Date a Narcissist remains the all-time favorite: the most searched, read and commented on NV blog post.

Bloggers, by nature, delve into the world of self reflection. And we all can be a bit self absorbed at times, right? But someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)  has a condition that Webster defines as “having an inability to show empathy.” The Mayo Clinic site defines those with NPD as believing “that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings.” Their sense of entitlement can manifest into a myriad of behaviors that can be abusive both emotionally and/or physically.

If you’ve ever been in a relationship with a destructive narcissist and are back out in the dating world—than I don’t need to tell you that your *top* priority is to avoid falling for another one at all costs. The charming and chameleon qualities of narcissists easily fool people for months—sometimes longer. Wouldn’t it be easier to to end the relationship before you get sucked in and spit out? With that in mind, I sought help from an expert who could point out telltale signs many narcissists exhibit, even in the beginning phase of dating. Debra Cucci, MFT has become somewhat of an expert on this topic as she consults families and runs a workshop in Los Angeles to help women make better choices when dating. Her advice is eye-opening! Finally, there is a concrete list of characteristics that many charming narcissists share—warning signs to take note of during the first few dates. As we all know, Narcissists aren’t gender specific! This article will help anyone avoid falling for this destructive personality who could likely wreck havoc in your life and those of your children.

And after that heavy subject, I’m happy to report that my 2nd most popular post is light as air: 25 Reasons to LOVE Being a Single Mom. I LOVE this silly tongue-in-cheek article that is a compilation of input from *many* single moms out there. Sometimes life is just too hard. The weight of all that is dragging you down can just be exhausting and talking about it doesn’t always make things feel better, does it? In my effort to find how to fill my glass half-full, I started this list and reached out to more than 25 other single moms to see what they’re thankful for. Making this list not only filled my glass half-way—it over-flowed! Laughter truly is the best medicine. Here’s a post guaranteed to cheer you up, put a new spin on your situation—or at least give you a much-needed laugh!

Chiming in at # 3: is Relationship Guru Dr. Pat Allen Sets Me Straight! Also another early blog post. I reached out to Pat Allen, Ph.D., world-renown relationship therapist; best selling author (Getting to I Do) and the resident sex expert on TV’s  Millionaire Matchmaker. Since I was gingerly venturing out into the dating world, after a heartbreak, I thought, who better to help me (and other separated and divorced women) but the top expert herself! She provides simple advice to find Mister Right—and if you’re anything like me, you may just be surprised by how many wrong steps were taken in your search!

For those interested in NV’s top 10 stories, I’ve enclosed a quick run down below. What surprised me the most, when looking at this list, is that the majority of top posts include interviews with experts. I’m gratified that my network as a journalist has helped me reach out and garner interviews with those amazingly talented experts who can really help us in our efforts to find Mr. Right; show our kids love and compassion;  become better parents; examine infidelity; breathe through our anger; show compassion to others who are struggling; and find laughter in the every day. Thanks for reading and being on this journey with me.

Navigating Vita’s Top Ten Posts of All Time:

1. How NOT To Date a Narcissist

2. 25 Reasons to LOVE Being a Single Mom

3. Relationship Guru Dr. Pat Allen Sets Me Straight!

4. Connect With Your Children While They Sleep

5. Top 5 Mistakes Divorcing Parents Make

6. Is Cheating The Only “Rational Choice” for Married Men?

7.Newt Gingrich in Tuscany!

8. The Power of NOT Holding It All (together)

9. An Italian Mom’s Fight To Save Her Daughter

10. Domestic Violence During Divorce: Not a Rarity