Tag Archives: codependency

How Does IT Feel?

A few weeks ago a friend explained to me why she no longer modeled. She simply said: “I just don’t feel good when I do it.”

It was such a simple statement, yet  has stayed with me. How often do any of us ask ourselves how we feel about what we do, until we are bursting with negative feelings? Even then, I bet half of my female friends reading this typically just push aside the bad feelings due to obligation or fear. We stay in dead-end jobs with negative energy or abusive bosses, for instance, because we need the pay check and are afraid there won’t be something else out there. I get it. Or, we sometimes put up with abusive and disrespectful partners because we don’t want to be alone, or be that ‘single mom’ that we see rushing around and struggling financially.

 

Fear and anxiety, obligation and childhood programming can really get in the way of just knowing how we feel and then doing something to move away from a negative experience and towards a more positive one. What we focus on expands. It’s taken me a long time to trust the Universe enough to move towards what feels good. Maybe I didn’t think I deserved to feel good or to be treated with respect or to be nurtured? Maybe I just didn’t think I was allowed to ‘do what feels good’ for a living? It takes time to shift out of fear and into awareness—and even more time to shift into action. Yoga and meditation is what has helped me the most. I’ve written about that a lot. Here’s one story about the process of shedding trauma that leaves a watermark of crippling fear. ( The Science Behind Sanskara )

After shedding some fear and embracing who I am and what I have been through, I’ve been able to shift into allowing myself to ‘feel good’ and not just ‘do good’ & ‘be good’ & please everyone else. It’s hard to make this shift, especially as a southern woman and a mother. I think many of us women are programmed to be good moms, good wives, good friends and daughters and to serve, serve, serve to the point that we no longer even know what feels good because we are so busy helping others. Balance is key. Knowing I, and you, are worthy, allows us to seek that balance. Yoga has helped to release super heavy memories and scars and to lighten up. I’m still in that process of recognizing what feels good and what doesn’t feel good. So here is a list of some of what I’ve been processing and what the Universe is sending me through ‘teachers.’ The Italics are how I am responding or not responding, yet shifting mentally.  I share to be of service.

Someone being disrespectful. I lean away. No need to even explain myself or engage. I Float toward those who UPLIFT & SUPPORT.

When someone ignores me or is neglectful. I no longer try to reach out & am not available the second they are demanding & ‘need me.’.

When someone makes fun of what really matters to me. Next. Don’t even engage. 

When someone lies to me. No time for more of that in my life. That phase is OVER.

When someone is abusing substances & is no longer a safe, reliable or loving friend. I don’t own their issue and I don’t need to fix them or even be there for them. 

When someone is pushy and tries to force me to do something that clearly benefits them, that I don’t want to do. Sorry, it’s just not for me.

When someone is being manipulative and trying to make me feel sorry for them so I will continue to ‘help’ them, even though they know I’m strapped for time as a full time single mother who is working:  Instead of being resentful I just mentally drop this person and explain to them:  “I hear you, but I’m really swamped right now. “

When what someone says isn’t backed up by their actions—like a man who says he loves me & is my boyfriend, and then disappears for weeks at a time, not even texting or responding to a text; or the friend or family member who says they are always there for me, but never has time to chat or call me back when I finally muster up the courage to call—Your actions matter. I send you all love and wish you well, but this doesn’t feel good. I deserve to be treated with kindness and with respect. I love you. I know you’re wounded. I see your closed heart. I feel your fear. But these things I do not own. You own these. I’ve worked through my own. I wish things were different, but they aren’t. Good bye. Be well. I now float towards what feels good. 

When someone doesn’t want to listen to me. Ever: I stop trying. I recognize that this is what I grew up with. This is what I felt in my marriage. This is a pattern that must stop by letting go. If I can always find time to listen & ‘try to understand before being understood,’ the right friends, lovers, family,  will emerge who can find time to do the same. The Universe responds when I visualize supportive, nurturing people flowing in and stop expecting those to  give, who just can’t.

When someone is judgmental and makes assumptions about me and pushes their ‘religion’ or assumes I ‘do’ or ‘believe’ something harmful: My GOD is LOVE. I love you enough to respect your choices, please respect mine. If this doesn’t work, I drift away with love for this learning experience as I must be authentically and unapologetically myself.

 

If you liked this post, check out these!
Manifesting B A L A N C E = More Play

YOU are the PATH: Loving from the Inside OUT

Struggling to Surrender to What IS

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Time to Rock the Boat

 

rocktheboat

 

I took this picture when on a sail boat in Mexico this summer. The water got a little choppy. The guys in charge were a little tipsy. I had a choice to make: get stressed out and fearful, or relax, trust and snap pictures of an amazing sunset. Thank God I was able to do the later. What a sunset! 🙂

With that said, there are definitely times in my life when I need to rock my own boat a little. Not stir the waters and create unnecessary drama, but to say how I feel in the moment and acknowledge when someone is hurting me and let them know how I’m feeling honestly. Too many times in my life, I find my metaphorical boat, my life, affected by someone else’s choices and I remain quiet, or act as if everything is OK or not a big deal, for fear that I’ll lose that person. And sure enough, the Universe keeps sending me friends who do just that: leave when I finally muster up the courage to say that something’s bothering me. So I’ve been letting a lot of people I care about go. But givers attract takers, so when a relationship is established firmly with one person always giving and not rocking the boat, the minute she stops giving and calls the other person’s behavior into question, it just isn’t tolerated. Read my article: Giving To Yourself This Holiday Season to see if you are an over-giver.

How often have I swallowed my own feelings in order to have smooth sailing within relationships? But relationships are for growth. They are not for one person to give to another and never get angry when taken advantage of or lied to. To always stay easy going, even when when being treated insensitively, is not a good trait. That is the behavior of someone with little self worth or a lot of fear of abandonment.

I know this now. And it’s been a hard and wonderful year. I’ve let go of two dear friends I love. It was sort of easy. When I was honest about how I felt, about the imbalance in the relationship, about lies, about toxic behavior and manipulation, both people exploded (how dare I not be there for them always, no matter what, and how dare I call their behavior into question!) and then ended the friendships. They did what I would never do. Another soul I’ve loved I let go. When I could see that I was giving too much and hoping for oranges when this person would only ever give me lemons, I said I needed to let go. I miss this person, but it just wasn’t meant to be or else he’d have stepped up by now. Letting go can be a kind and compassionate choice as it allows the Universe to send in someone available and loving and emotionally secure enough to talk about feelings and be supportive.

 

It’s a learning curve. After my mother died in late May, I was reminded during the funeral just how much she gave to everyone in her life. Giving is a good thing, don’t get me wrong. She was a social worker and a loved volunteer and wonderful mother. I miss her dearly. But she never really got angry at her husband, even through all the drinking, lies and affairs. I don’t really think she thought she deserved that experience, but she was from another generation. Plus, southern women were taught to smile and act like everything is ok. Ever hear Miranda Lambert’s song Mama’s Broken Heart?

I can SO relate to this song! The line: “My mama came from a softer generation, where you get a grip, and you bite your lip, just to save a little face.”

I think I internalized that a lot. Maybe it’s why I’ve attracted men who cheated, lied, or were just emotionally unavailable to me? The Universe has a way of mirroring our beliefs. My experience in childhood defined my reality. Until Now.

Back then I couldn’t love a healthy person because I felt more at home with someone unhealthy: what I knew and grew up with. If a child grows up with a father who drinks too much, makes fun of his wife, belittles her, and then is abusive in other ways within the family—and it is NOT tolerated to ever confront or talk about feelings without getting hurt or ignored—this child will have more of a comfort level for this sort of behavior and will internalize it and basically take more shit from others.

Until I dealt with it, let it go, and dropped the belief that speaking my mind would leave me abandoned or hurt, I kept attracting those who did just that, ironically, reinforcing that belief.

This I now know for sure (I feel it on a cellular level) if I want to attract love, understanding, respect and compassion from others, I have to give that to myself first and know that I deserve it. Saying no to someone who keeps asking or who keeps taking without giving,  is saying yes to me. Those who take advantage or don’t reciprocate, I need to let go of, and allow their energy to drift away from my life so I can create balance. To give AND receive is necessary for our chi, our life force, to remain vibrant.

This year has been eye-opening for me. I have more clarity, understanding and awareness than ever before. Memories have come back through intensive yoga and meditation. Insight that I could never have had has come through the sharing with friends and other beautiful souls who are now close dear friends, some I’m working with at New Kind of Rebel. (check them out!)

We are all on a journey. We are eternal and chose this journey. Yup. Those who have hurt me the most I chose. They are my teachers and before coming into this lifetime, loved me so much they signed up to hurt me and help wake me up. My evolution has been dependent on them in many ways. That’s my belief. And it keeps me loving those in my life, even if from a distance, to remain healthy. I have so much love for my journey and for yours. I have so much more peace once I can detach a little from it too, and know that my eternal soul, the light that existed before this body, and will after this body is gone, is evolving and growing. Those who have helped me to grow, I give thanks to. I pray with all my heart that those who are suffering can find this sort of compassionate detachment, through meditation and prayer, to see the light and love that is available to them and within them.

Thanks, as always, for reading my meandering prose.

With so much love,

Laura xo

 

Giving to Yourself this Holiday Season

gift2me

I recently read a very cool blog post about Buddhism and giving without any intention of receiving. It was written by a man. A very beautiful soul. And I love his blog: The Accidental Anarchist.

With all that said, it is still abundantly clear that this post was not written for me—or any other American moms with co-dependent tendencies or who are over-giving, people-pleasers. I am laughing right now at how I worded that! See, I’ve been working for about 6 years, maybe more, on my issue with giving till it hurts and people pleasing. I’ve been in a support group about it. I’m a yogi who, in every class I teach, reminds her students to balance their chi: learn to give AND receive. Receiving tells the Universe that you are worth it and that you value yourself and your time. When you allow others to give to you (and that can mean just giving friendship or compassion, not necessarily monetarily) it says that you believe you deserve to receive, that which you also give. Otherwise, when you give and give and never receive, you are telling the Universe that you are not worthy, not entitled to love, friendship, compassion, and trust me, that vibration will be heard loud and clear. You know the person who always throws the birthday parties, or who always gives of her time in a myriad of ways, but THE MINUTE someone asks if they can do something for her in return, she insists NO NEED, DON’T BOTHER. IT’S FINE!, REALLY, I WAS HAPPY TO DO IT! That was me. And I’m now a recovering over-giver. ha ha

Ok, some of you who are reading this may think, well, that’s a  bit harsh in the holiday season. Not at all. It’s in the holiday season—when everyone and every agency and every school is demanding of your time, your money and your volunteering—that you are tested and are given the opportunity to discover whether you are an over-giver, and whether you’re ready to slow down and be kind to yourself. That does not mean you don’t give charitably. I’ve already donated to causes, adopted a family and volunteered at one school this season, and yet, I’m viewed by those I did find the courage to say no to, as not giving enough. It’s time to stop the pressure to go, go, go  and to stop taking advantage of the givers. That may never happen in our frenetic American society. But you and I DO have the power to slow down. It comes with one word: NO. A No to a taxing demand, is a YES to YOU and your family. Trust me.

So, here’s how to identify if you are an over-giver.

These are the two main types of over-giving that drains your chi, your life force, and creates emotional instability, resentment and health problems:

  1. Co-dependent giving:
    * When giving to others never ceases, as people keep asking for more. You are literally attracting more and more takers because that is the energy you are putting out: Others needs are more important than your own.
    * When giving to one individual becomes toxic as they make it clear they might become destitute without your help. They use guilt and manipulation to take advantage of your giving heart. Yet that person’s problems or needs become a burden on you, your family, or thwart you from meeting your own goals or taking care of yourself or your family.
    * You are the go-to person in a crisis. You never lack for friends, yet you don’t confide in many of them. Instead, you are their ear, their rock, their support. For instance, do you always pick up the phone every time a friend is in need, even if you are on a work deadline or it means you won’t be able to run crucial errands or take a desperately-needed exercise class? If this is a one-time thing, no biggie. If it’s a daily or weekly experience, you are stuck in the rut of over-giving due to an insecurity of being needed and, therefore,  are creating distractions to thwart you from following your dreams, achieving good health, or leading a balanced life.
  2. People-pleasing giving:
    *Do you always say yes to every request to volunteer or to help out, then are later filled with resentment when you are exhausted and on the edge of a meltdown?
    *Do you find yourself throwing the biggest parties or fundraisers, yet rushing around filled with anxiety about what others will think, so much so, that you yell at your children while you are putting together the perfect evening to raise money for a school-project?
    *Do you find it nearly impossible to speak your truth or say no for fear of what others will think about you or say about you? And when you do finally find the courage to say no to something or to back out of something or a project that is taxing you, do you feel obligated to give a million explanations to smooth things over?
    *Is your favorite line: “Oh, whatever you want to do is fine.”? In your attempt to be easy going, to be liked, and to ‘go with the flow,’ do you end up always going to the type of movies you hate, or going to restaurants you don’t like just to not make waves?

If you feel like I’m being harsh, just know that this tough love article is written as a reminder to myself. 🙂  To some extent, I was the woman above. And to this day, I still find it hard to say no to someone, or to back out of a volunteer gig or an activity without feeling insane amounts of guilt and without giving a million excuses. (One of my favorite books on this topic is Women Who Love Too Much, check it out!)

For instance, this past Tuesday I had been running since 6 a.m. After getting lunches done and getting kids settled for school, I worked at a yoga studio from 8:15 a.m. – 2:15 p.m. Then I raced to pick up my youngest from his school, then dropped him at his chess club, then raced to my older son’s soccer game. I missed the first half, sadly. It ran over, so I was late to pick up my younger son from chess, but thankfully, one of the moms stayed with him. Then we raced home, only to recall my older son had a therapy appointment he almost missed, so we raced back out. As I dropped my older, my youngest reminded me that it was also Cub Scouts night and that I was to stay for an additional hour to plan the mistletoe fundraiser and the Christmas party. I pulled the car over to the side of the road and just said “Nope, not doing it.” I was calm, but just decided enough was enough. My youngest said that his friend’s parents would be mad if we quit the Scouts again. (this had happened last year and they begged me to try again as it ‘is so good for teaching morals to young kids.’ I took a deep breath and told him that we just can’t make everyone happy. I need peace. I need stillness. My house was a wreck. There were dishes in the sink, laundry piled high and I really wanted to cook a healthy meal and help with homework and get my youngest to bed on time. I needed to meditate. I needed to edit a manuscript. I needed at least an hour to myself. I had no desire to be in the Scouts den until 8 p.m. and then race home exhausted, eat pizza and crash into bed late, feeling resentful. If the Scout leader and his wife get angry, so be it. I’m exhausted.

As we sat at the table that night my youngest looked up at me and said, “I accept your apology mom. It’s ok. You can’t do everything.” What a sweetie. He really loves the Scouts. He really wants to do camp outs. But mommy really needs some sanity, some quiet, some balance. I can’t be racing about constantly. I had to fight every urge in body not to write a super apologetic note to the scout leader. I don’t need to. It’s just not the right time for our family. Nothing more is needed to be said. What I have learned is that giving a ton of explanations to takers is like giving a bone to a dog. They will chew and chew on it, giving you all the reasons why you can still do what is causing you anxiety or draining you. Why? Because it serves their needs.

Earlier this year I bowed out of an additional yoga training I was in. I so wanted to do it. But it required three days of nearly 6 hour sessions, 2 – 3 classes to take each week, reports, etc. This came at a time when some drama hit my family that was super stressful. That, on top of my increasing editing work load and all the other classes I teach. Plus, my older son’s soccer schedule ballooned into daily practices and 3 – 4 games a week. I was drowning and exhausted and becoming drained.

Will my friend who led the training ever understand? Probably not. But that’s not the point. My health and emotional well-being was taking a toll.

So, it’s been a long road to learning this hard lesson. I can’t do everything right now. I must give to myself. Even if I don’t give to myself at the same level of giving to others (what full-time single mom ever does?!) at least my needs, my health, my life goals, are on my to-do list. Just knowing my needs deserve to be on the list, is half the battle.

My challenge to you, dear friends, is to put yourself on your to-do list this holiday. What can you do for yourself? How can you fill your heart so that you feel abundant and joyful and grateful? When we are depleted, it’s hard to give with open arms joyfully.

Maybe you’re thinking you don’t have the funds to spring for a massage or a mani-pedi. That’s ok. Take a walk. Ask a friend to watch the kiddos and go for an exercise class or to a movie or write in a journal at a coffee shop while sipping foamy hot chocolate. Find something that feels luxurious and just allow yourself to have that. A bubble bath while reading. Take one hour off and give to yourself. Or even better, say no to one request from a taker, even if that means you lose that friendship. You are making space for yourself and for more compassionate and thoughtful people to come into your life.

Happy Holidays!

With love & light ~

Laura xo

Strengthening Your Wings

by: Stephanie Jones

by: Stephanie Jones

Yesterday, someone wise told me a story. I had actually heard it before. It’s a parable from a children’s book. Sometimes the most profound lessons stem from the simplest truths, don’t you think? It goes like this:

A little girl found a caterpillar in her back yard. She had just learned about metamorphosis in kindergarten. So, she picked it up, put dirt, leaves and moss in a jar, and placed it inside. She was careful to put holes in the jar’s lid. Then, every day, she watched the caterpillar eat and eat and then start to make its cocoon. For almost two weeks, the little girl watched the cocoon hanging from a twig—knowing that the fat, goofy-looking caterpillar was turning into a beautiful butterfly. She was mesmerized.

Finally, the cocoon began moving slightly. Then it really started swaying back and forth. The little girl began to get upset. She saw that the butterfly with struggling to get out. Even though her mother told her not to, she thought she should help the butterfly. So, she, ever-so-gently, poked a hole in the cocoon so the butterfly could fly away. She lifted the lid off the jar and waited. And waited. The butterfly stopped moving. Sadly, it died. The little girl cried and cried! She was beside herself. What did she do?! She was only trying to help. Why didn’t it work?!

She was distraught when her mother looked up information about metamorphosis and discovered that the only way an infant butterfly can physically fly out of the cocoon is by strengthening its wings. The wings get stronger through the process of struggling with the cocoon to break free. Only after a certain amount of time battling with the cocoon and building strength, can it fly away.  Without the struggle, her wings are too weak and she’ll lay there and wither.

I guess some of you know where I’m going with this don’t you? No matter how hard it is to see during our pain, we need some of our struggles to build strength. Of course, I’m  not talking about tragedies like tornados or childhood leukemia. Seriously, some things are beyond reason. But, I’m beginning to see that our every day struggles to find ourselves and to listen to our intuition, are incredibly important. Taking steps to take care of ourselves and to form healthy relationships can be hard. Who knew four years ago, when my husband left while our 2nd child was a baby, that it would turn out to be blessing for me. I’m SO much stronger and grateful now. I have more confidence, more patience, more spirit and drive. Perhaps I  had to be on my own, to build myself up and find myself again. I still cater to my children’s needs—what single parent doesn’t?! But I’m also listening to, and honoring my inner voice. I’m writing fiction again. So, I’m working, raising my boys and trying to find time for work that pays AND my fiction. I’ve never felt more invigorated (and tired!). But that’s beside the point. Without my struggle, I wouldn’t have find myself or my courage. (I’m still working on flying, but I’ll get there someday.)

Conversely, if you feel like you’re the little girl watching someone you love struggle to fly—as I have found myself doing many times in my life—remember that it’s not always possible to help. If you’ve tried to help only to see someone fall back into old habits, remember that sometimes helping is enabling. Some need the struggle or need to hit bottom before they’ll be open to change.

It’s a good lesson for me, as I often want to help others instead of focussing on myself and my issues. And this past month I’ve been reminded again and again through some chaos and drama, that the only person who I can ever help and who I can ever change is myself. If someone in my life is struggling, especially with addiction or destructive behavior, I have to detach with love. Not everyone understands. And that’s okay.

Sometimes going through the struggle is the only way to find the will to fight…and hopefully find a way to soar above the problems.