Tag Archives: Child abuse

Do I Call the Cops on a Neighbor?

I’m getting triggered by my alcoholic angry neighbor. Do I call the police, or slip his girlfriend a hotline number on a card? My neighbor is often so abusive to his girlfriend’s children that I can hear every word and feel the vibrations of slamming doors and skidding car tires from my bedroom. Tonight I am writing after the yoga class I taught—the theme, finding balance and harmony and thwarting fear–ironically. I come home and have to listen to such violence. I nearly called the cops. Can you do that for verbal abuse? It’s beyond awful. And I know a thing or two about this.

So, the gal is a single mom who only has her two boys maybe 4-5 weeks a year. I don’t know why, but I do know that one is on the spectrum severely and the other is very hyper. Still. Her boyfriend is big and a drunk and loves to scream menacingly at them. He will threaten and belittle them and slam doors. I’ve heard him call them pathetic to be alive and idiots and fucking morons, etc. I’ve heard him scream and bang on walls while his girlfriend begs and pleads that ‘they all’ stop. But it’s just him. Then he’ll call her an idiot and threaten to kick her out if she can’t control her animals and then usually throws something, before maybe smacking one of the boys and driving off to go to a bar.

Lovely. I moved into this house in July and the first week I was here, one of the boys ran down the street screaming. He’s maybe 9. I went after him because I had just pulled into my garage. He was shaking and scared. I walked with him home because the mom and boyfriend were screaming. The autistic boy was walking near an intersection that was very busy. It could have been really bad. The next day the girlfriend wouldn’t look at me in the face, but she sent both boys away and they didn’t return for six months.

What I hate the most, is how the girlfriend never defends her boys. She begs them to be better for HIM. The ASSHOLE. She begs them to be quiet and good and not mess it all up. Like the ASSHOLE’s money is worth letting him abuse and terrify her boys, who likely feel like shit and like they don’t deserve to breathe or to be alive and have certainly become an imposition to their mother and her set up with the ASSHOLE. They don’t feel loved or lovable. I tried to say hello to one boy last Fall. I pretended to need to go into my garage to get something after I heard all the screaming that I worried was partly physical. I found him hugging his knees and rocking back and forth in his driveway. He wouldn’t look at me. When I reached out to touch his shoulder, the little boy moved quickly away like he was frightened.

What’s shocking is that when the kids aren’t around, the ASSHOLE is very nice to me. He’s charming and funny and always asking if I want to come over and have a glass of wine. He’s always drinking and smoking a cigar by his fire pit. I’ve heard him tell his girl (they both talk loudly when drinking and my bedroom is right above their firepit) that she doesn’t need to wear make up or get her hair done or work out. Yet he always mentions how great I look when I’m coming back from my yoga classes.

Why is this woman putting up with him? WHY? I want to scream at her “WAKE UP & PROTECT YOUR BOYS & GET THE FUCK OUT.”

But I can’t. And from what I can tell, it’s ‘only’ verbal abuse.

I have experience with explosive drunk verbal abuse that can, at any moment, explode violently. I’m shocked that I didn’t overdose from a lifetime supply of cortisol from my youth.

It’s probably why I get super anxious whenever I’m with friends at a bar or a party and one of the men has a little too much to drink and his arms swing widely. It’s why I don’t go to bars much and am extremely careful about dating. It’s fear. I fear a sudden explosion of violence. I don’t even drink anymore because of it. I can’t live with the vibration of abuse and addiction and manipulation and negativity and control EVER again. It’s what I grew up with and it’s why I used to cower when having an argument with my ex-husband and he still doesn’t really understand that. It’s a slow process to find self-esteem and self-worth and to trust the Universe after going through all of that.

And now I have to hear the little boys next door go through Hell. I ache inside. I cry sometimes. I hate it. I love children so much. All children. Autistic and ADHD children need to be protected. They aren’t trying to be ‘difficult.’ They are innocents. To be screamed at like they don’t matter and to be threatened and be terrified to come visit their mother is a sin. I know if I call the police this woman will not leave him and the abuse will get worse. I feel it deep down inside.

Say a prayer for these children and all the children who are being raised with such terrifying insanity. We are all sparks of the divine. But little children believe what they are told and how they are told and blame themselves for being bad and somehow causing the drunk’s outrageous abuse. They don’t know how to believe they are lovable and deserving. It’s a long road to recovery. My heart aches tonight for them.

In search of peace, love and angels this Monday night ~ Laura x

 

 

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The Power of Sound: And How it Can Heal Families

Water exposed to the word Ubuntu: Zulu for human kindness.

Water exposed to the word Ubuntu: Zulu for human kindness.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Remember that little saying? Well, I just don’t buy it. I’d rather break my arm any day than to go through another episode of raw, explosive, uncontrolled anger. Why am I talking about this? Well, recently I overheard a parent yelling at his children. I became suddenly overwhelmed. My heart raced, tears sprang to my eyes and a deep, sinking, sick feeling overcame my body. The child had not done something right. Whatever he didn’t do, clearly didn’t merit this explosive, uncontrolled reaction. Nothing. Ever. Does. Intellectually, I’d guess that most of us agree. But this type of situation doesn’t stem from making a rational choice for peace. It is something that explodes, out of control, like a monster that breaks free in the heat of the moment  This dad screamed at the top of his lungs with such hatred that all I wanted to do was grab this child, hug him and tell him that it wasn’t his fault. Well, maybe he didn’t do something right, but he didn’t deserve to have his soul crushed or to feel unlovable, to feel worthless. I’ve experienced a few outbursts like this in my lifetime from abusive people who at their core, are kind, scared children who have been abused in the past—just reacting like their parents did.  It’s always a surprising flash that catches a child completely by surprise. Uncontrollable anger is terrifying. And when it ends, that angry person may act as if it never happened, but the effects on the target of rage lingers for weeks, sometimes years. It’s as if the words, and vibration of hatred, wounds in a physical way, to those unseen places—on a cellular level.

My hunch is on the mark. Now there’s scientific proof that sound heals—or kills. A few years ago I discovered Dr. Masaru Emoto a Japanese scientist, who played classical music and folk songs through speakers placed near water. He later experimented with heavy metal music as well as words of hatred taped to the sides of glass with water. He would then freeze the water to make crystals which he would then compare with crystalline structures of different samples.

watersick

When different musical pieces were exposed to the water sample, it formed unique beautiful geometric crystals. If he then played heavy metal music or taped words such as demon, Hitler, or “you make me sick” to the side of the glass, the crystal basic shape would break apart.

One of my absolute favorites is how the water responded to John Lennon’s song “Imagine”:

Water exposed to John Lennon's song Imagine.

Water exposed to John Lennon’s song Imagine.

Since our bodies are approximately 60 % water, it’s hard to argue that words and anger doesn’t hurt us physically as well as emotionally and spiritually. Dr. Oz recently did a show about uncontrolled anger that proved how it also hurts the person who can’t control their outbursts. A working mom of 5 children kept finding moments of road rage, of “being set-off” over little things. (To see a clip of this show, click HERE.) It was shown that she had no “me-time,” little sleep, lack of help and was basically a ticking time bomb. Her heart would race, her blood pressure would soar and she’d explode. Later, she’d be overwhelmed by guilt and communication broke down, making it impossible to teach life lessons, or help her children navigate mistakes or choices. It was compelling, as the woman was bravely honest and I’m sure she helped many parents as the person who has outbursts isn’t necessarily evil. He or she needs help. Dr. Oz suggested more sleep, exercise, carving out one hour a day for me time. YES. (And I’d say YOGA!! My life has changed forever because of it…)

And I’d also suggest introducing music. Let sound heal. We know that anger and outbursts hurt, so use sound to your advantage. Play music all the time in the house and in the car. Tune into frequencies of love, joy, silliness, beauty through music. Mix it up. Country, Reggae, Pop, Classical, Folk, it’s all good. And if you have the ability to let your children learn how to play an instrument, even better. I stumbled upon this TED X video called “This is Your Brain on Music”. Wow, so powerful. It showed how all areas of the brain, including joy, light up when playing music. Many light up when listening, but almost ALL areas of the brain— from problem solving, to logic and critical thinking—light up when playing music. Check it out: This is Your Brain on Music: 

We all have the ability to lower our stress, let go of unresolved anger, soften our voices, raise our vibrations—no matter where we’ve come from. Last Valentine’s Day I wrote an article about finding a Vibration of Love.  I had just been exploring sound and vibration and had read some of Dr. Emoto’s books. I recall thinking instead of looking for love outside of ourselves, create it inside and let it flow with every soft, compassionate sound voiced to friends, to our children, our loved ones. This sound heals and attracts those on a similar frequency. Clearly, we aren’t perfect and don’t behave in a zen way ALL the time. But we can become more aware, take care of ourselves, limit our triggers and alcohol, apologize when necessary, rebound, begin again…I’ll leave you with a simple line from that Valentine’s Day article I wrote last year, that seemed to resonate truth:

“I’ve come to believe that sustained love lies in the subtlety of how we speak to one another—much more than what we actually say. It’s about speaking kindly and respectfully, at all times, even when voicing concerns. I’ve always loved the James Taylor lyric: “It isn’t what she’s got to say, or how she thinks or where she’s been. To me the words are nice the way they sound.”

~ With Peace,

L.

25 Reasons to LOVE Being a Single Mom

Image25

Yes, you read that title correctly! There are reasons to LOVE being a single mom. The consensus is in. Single mothers across the country have been polled about what they like about parenting solo. Sure, we all know that it’s one of the hardest jobs in the world. But, lets focus on the positive, shall we? And, while we’re at it, lets have a laugh. Life’s too short and getting too serious these days. Sure, most of us didn’t choose this path, but while we’re on it, let’s acknowledge the perks. (And did I say have a laugh too??) Enjoy ladies (and brave men) and just note these thoughts represent the contributions of MANY women out there, but I’d love to hear from you, too! … Especially if you can make me chuckle.

TOP REASONS:

  1. It’s now My house, my rules. Rough day? Waffles for dinner is just fine. Exhausted? The dishes, laundry and toys can pile up for one night.
  2. No more scary stubble in the sink.
  3. No more sticky, smelly, sweaty gym clothes to be picked up off the bathroom floor. (Unless, of course, they’re yours!)
  4. No more manic 5 p.m. de-motherfying. Don’t know what that is? A rush to shower, shave, change out of sweats and “de-motherfy” yourself every evening before a discerning man comes home—who ironically only notices when you don’t do all of the said above.
  5. No need to hold in that belly 24/7!
  6. There is no one in the house to make you feel like an incompetent person.
    (It’s funny how many women commented that their husbands criticized them for not being capable or put them down for being a SAHM—yet parenting alone, they have never felt more accomplished.)
  7. It sinks in you ARE a super woman. After a year or so parenting solo, it sinks in that we are capable. We take out the trash, fix heaters and toilets, paint, move furniture, weld power tools, get the car washed: ALL ON OUR OWN. We manage budgets (even small ones), kids’ schedules, education and our own career and health needs. Phew!)
  8. You get to watch what you want on TV. No more wrestling or mafia movies! (Well, unless you turn on that mafia movie starring your favorite sexy Italian actor.)
  9. There’s no one to scold you for letting the kids come into the family bed. (And it’s oh, so yummy when you all fall asleep together after watching a silly movie!)
  10. You can sing and dance and be goofy with an audience that joins in!
  11. You are more present with your kids and more focussed on their needs without the stress of constant criticism and arguments. (For some, this happened after the divorce became final and the fighting finally ceased.)
  12. You can get a cat, fish, a parakeet, a chinchilla—or any other creature you can manage to take care of, as your kids need more unconditional love in the house. (And who is going to stop you?)
  13. You can take a bubble bath, wear a mask and do your nails at 8:30 p.m. on a weekday after the kids are in bed. Why? Because you are no longer a short-order cook for the late arrival, or a career coach and therapist, or evening maid required to do laundry and clean the kitchen while said late arrival watches sports or a crime drama on TV.
  14. You no longer have to pretend to be asleep when you hear the door open at midnight. (This is usually from hubby coming home after an unscheduled, but “critical” business drinks meet-up. Of course, you learned about this event at 6 p.m. with spit-up on your shoulder, an older child screaming in the corner and dinner on the stove.)
  15. No more ‘couples with kids’ dinners to endure.
    (Come on, you know exactly what this is. Some friends with kids your age invite you to a family-friendly restaurant for Saturday early dinner or Sunday brunch. You dress up and go through the effort to get the kids looking marvelous—only to find yourself, yet again, having a frustrating, work-filled evening. You and the other mom try to catch up, but keep getting interrupted since you two are managing all the kids’ tantrums and antics and diaper changes during dinner. Where are the fathers? The two hubbies are at the other end of the table drinking brews and having a civilized adult conversation with no interruptions. Your late husband had NO idea why you weren’t interested in sex AT ALL later in the evening.)
  16. No more waiting for a blue moon to go out on a date.
  17. You no longer live with the fear of being cheated on.
  18. You no longer live with someone who churns an internal daily struggle for you to preserve your identity. (The constant pressure to change or view the world differently has lifted.)
  19. You no longer live with a man who treats his mother (who never liked you) and his buddies better than he treats you.
  20. You are allowed to buy chocolate at will.
  21. Alcohol is no longer an every day facet of your family life. (In fact, some moms reported throwing out the liquor cabinets and beer coolers after their exes left.)
  22. There is no one home to poke fun at you when you want to meditate, do a yoga dvd, write in a journal or read self-help or philosophy books.
  23. No more staying awake listening to snoring.
  24. No more smelling alcohol on the breath of the person sleeping next to you.
  25. You no longer have to justify what you buy. If you can afford to splurge on a toy for the kids, or a new pair of shoes for yourself: you can do so without having to render a tail-between-the-legs explanation later.