Category Archives: Parenting

Single mom, sexuality, dating, two-year-olds, infidelity, divorce

Offline Worldview

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So it’s been nearly 3 weeks since my oldest son and I turned off all social media.

Here’s my update:

The first week, I missed it. I might have said that I felt more mindful, but I had those moments when I wanted to check my feed. You know, the times waiting in the school line, or half time at soccer games, etc.  I didn’t check, not once. But I had the urge. I wondered if my exotic-traveling friends had posted amazing pictures that would convince me to plan my next trip. I wanted to see those gorgeous yoga poses and read those preachy, yet spiritually-in-tune quotes from my yogi friends that are meant to uplift and garner more students at the same time. I also liked seeing those pics from my friends who are in love. I’d chuckle from my worn-out, over-worked mom friends who’d go all out and post party, happy-hour rants. You get the idea. I had gotten into the habit of listening and watching all these lives unfold (or how they’d like me to see them unfold.) Sometimes I even felt like I was being a bad friend, as I was so out of the loop. I couldn’t see those rants or requests for prayers for a sick relative or get a birthday reminder. I also worried that I needed to post about my new and expanding yoga class schedule or post pics of my kiddos for relatives to see.

But by the second week I felt free. So did my 15-year-old. We both weren’t seeing those pictures from old friends who had parties that didn’t include us. Who needs that? We didn’t have reminders of what isn’t cool about us. My 15-year-old is not drinking or partying yet, a lot of his friends are. He wants a scholarship, straight As, soccer prowess. I am a single mom who is now teaching 6 a.m. weekly hot classes and weekend classes and helping to manage a yoga studio, while also writing and schlepping to schools, practices, back-to school nights, doctor appointments, etc. I am in good shape, but I am not glamorous. My ex lives in Europe, so no weekends off, or help for me. Seeing the posts from other single mom friends who get weekends free, used to sort of haunt me. I adore my kiddos. But seeing what others are doing, made me question my future and my present and took away a tiny breath of strength and core confidence. I know that I’m strong and happy with my life, exactly as it is, even if it may be challenging.

It also dawned on me, as I was writing my final chapter of Between Thoughts of You, my next book, that I have way too many voices in my head. Maybe not voices, but points of view. And mixed in with that, I had this little push of myself with each point of view. Maybe that sounds confusing. Basically, social media created this need for my opinion to be heard or for my life to be seen and approved of at all times. If a ‘friend’ posted something sad, I felt the need to respond with an appropriate emoji or a comment if it was a real friend. And then if I was at an event, I’d post a picture and within hours would be curious about who approved or ‘liked’ it. It became important what other people thought about what I had just experienced. I imagine that what other people think can become even more important for teens who are establishing themselves or finding their way. The other part of the mix is this altered reality that had become a part of my daily life. People who would never invite me to parties or for tea, or who I barely know, had become a part of my daily world. Seeing what they were doing, feeling, or were with, had become a part of  my life, say, while I was in the car waiting for my eight-year-old at school. When he’d pop in, I might be distracted about something political or racist that was said, instead of focussing on that sweet and pure voice in the back seat. The obvious take away: taking time to keep up with people who aren’t really in my life, is taking precious focus and energy away from my family: my two boys.

Besides, it takes up a lot of energy too. Maybe their lives seem more glamorous, more successful, more sexy, more free, etc. Do I need all that competition or worry? My life is exactly as it is supposed to be right now.

So, the first week I was off social media I was writing a scene (for my novel) with Lulua`ina [loo loo (w)ah’ ee nah] aka Lulu, and it hit me that I made her do something that I would do. It was completely out of her character, but totally in mine. I stopped and thought about it. I think it stemmed from a need, or a habit of putting myself out there on social media, to be seen and to be approved of. Without that outlet, I was pushing myself upon this character. Lulu would never contemplate falling for a certain man who wasn’t spiritual, wasn’t over his ex, drank too much, and came from a family that valued money and power at any expense. She came from a strong Hawaiian spiritual family who respected the Earth, their ancestors, karma, giving back and living honestly and humbly. Once she saw this person’s background, just because he wanted to change and loved her, she wouldn’t be conflicted about staying friends. She is strong, has supportive roots and knows exactly who she is, even in a crisis. So even though she is young and lonely, she has a core strength beyond her years, based on tight family support and spiritual beliefs. I never had support growing up and my spiritual strength and confidence came later in life. When younger, I would doubt myself and listen to friends and be swayed, betraying my intuitive voice. I put myself in her shoes at her young age and betrayed her character. 

So, I changed the scene. She regretted kissing him and vowed not to ever again. Period. The talk ended in her mind. No conflict. No need to call her Nan and discuss. She knew what she needed. Lulu needs a strong person with a strong sense of character and spiritual awareness to match her own. In the end, the conflict will be about her husband and childhood best friend.

Does this have anything to do with social media? Yes, I think it does. The constant need to have other’s approve of ‘me’ puts ‘me’ too much on my mind. I’m better off focussing on my work, my kids, and on what I think of situations, events and the people in my life—the real people who are actually in my daily life.

Here’s to a more mindful and present existence.

Love & Light ~

L. x

 

 

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Eight Days OFF Social Media

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So, it’s been eight days since my 15-year-old son and I quit our social media addictions. For my high schooler, the cons have been not knowing what his buds are doing and being off snap chat and being outside the inside jokes. He switched his snap chat addiction for more youtube video watching, on topics such as saving and investing or on relationships. Hmmm. For me, there really hasn’t been a down side. Isn’t that amazing? Last weekend I edited all of my chapters of Between Thoughts of You, my favorite novel out of the three I’ve written. Sounds arrogant to say that, and I’m not claiming to be the next Hemingway, I just adore my main characters. I L O V E them so much. Lulu feels like the woman I want to be and the old man she cares for, the grandfather relationship I never had (both my grandfathers died before I met them.) Plus, the culture of Hawaii and all the history I researched makes me excited to go back. So, there’s that. AND, I’m teaching more yoga classes and working more at the studio so I feel more present and grounded. I had an awesome class last Friday night (happy hot hour @ 5:45 p.m. my new one) then met up with one of my best friends from college who was having a birthday party. And no one saw any pics! (Gasp!) I didn’t worry about whether any of us were photo worthy, looking good, or showing we were having fun. I’m clearly more in the moment, except when I’m writing, and then my mind is traveling through my characters to Italy, New York, Japan or Hawaii…but I’m not telling more than that at the moment! LOL

So, even though my life is pretty much the same, I’m more focussed, centered and less in my Ego. I’m more present. I’m not concerned about whether the pace of my life is moving too slow or whether I ‘should’ be having more fun or doing more, or seeing what friends are doing that I’m not. Right now, it’s boys, yoga & writing … every damn day. Sprinkled in between are the laughs, the phone calls or texts, rather than instagram or facebook likes or comments, and in-person connections that I’m excited about. 🙂 No comparisons. No drive to get ‘likes,’ which are never a substitute for off-line attention, appreciation or conversation, right? If someone really cares, they’ll reach out. Period. I also haven’t been distracted by my feed and prevented from doing what needs to get done. As a full-time single mother juggling work and kiddo activities, getting sucked into social media means less time to take care of me or this house or the boys. I even got the carpets cleaned—no more gross stains! And hired a handyman and squeezed in some fun posting a picture and seeing who approved of it. Here’s to more offline productivity and mindful fun. I’m teaching an extra class tonight and ordering dinner instead of cooking and cleaning. Not a bad deal.

Life is Good offline this first week.

Love, Light, Fun & Balance ~

L. x

Embracing Chaos

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So, I cried today. Hate to admit it. Maybe a little over the weekend too. Life is hectic right now. I’m trying so hard to be mindful, but I’m doing so much solo, somethings gotta give. There was a gas leak because my landlord didn’t install the dryer properly. That was scary. And then trying to get my son and pick him back up from beach camp every day this week (school starts Sept. 6!!) has been stressful. First I take my oldest to school by 7 a.m., then I’m racing to the studio to open it in the morning, get it cleaned and ready for the 9 a.m. class, then race with my son to the beach drop off spot and then back and it takes an hour at least with parking being nutty. It feels like I just can’t get it all together. I raced so fast to pick him back up by 2 p.m. the other day that I nearly ran a stop sign. I can barely leave the hot studio before 2 with all the work that needs to get done. Most afternoons and evenings involve racing to pick up my oldest, then soccer practices, then taekwondo, then my yoga classes I teach (that fill me with gratitude and peace). I don’t know what I’d do without the yoga. Because I literally feel like I’m teetering on many days. My landlord laughed at me the other day and said “girls can do anything boys can do, you’ve got this.” That was his way of getting out of doing something that needed to be done at the house that is in disarray with lots of things still broken. I thought I’d cry. I can’t handle one more job. I’m still writing too, so yesterday I had to finish an article, and edit another chapter in my spare time. Ironically, like yoga, the writing centers me. I just wish I could figure out how to balance all the family demands a little easier and find more time away from parenting when I need to.

So I missed a dear friend’s funeral last weekend because I couldn’t get sitter coverage and my ex is rarely free. It was a family friend who helped take care of my mother, an aunt to me my whole life: she did my hair, she made my prom dress, you get the idea. Family. I’ll send a letter, it’ll be ok. My oldest was in a soccer tournament anyway, so 5 games Saturday and Sunday and I needed to be there, the boys were super aggressive. But I may miss my real aunt’s funeral at the end of Sept in Maine, and even though my ex will be in the States, he is choosing not to help. Something’s gotta give. After cleaning the studio and two races back and forth for the beach camp pickups, then back to the studio, after cleaning it, I just sat down in the girls locker room and cried. Probably because I’m tired. Probably because I feel so unsupported.

It’ll be ok. It always is. I’ve been doing this solo parenting gig for 8.5 years, right? I’ll dip into savings again and hire a sitter and go to Maine. It’s worth it.

Life is hard now, but as Buddha says, it doesn’t stay hard forever: “Life is a circle of happiness, hard times and good times. If you are going through hard times, have faith that good times are on their way.” Buddha

For the rest of today, I will mindfully be present and grateful that I am safe, I am healthy, that my boys are amazing, healthy and happy and that I am mainly surrounded in my life by sweet, thoughtful yogis. I am thankful to have kicked the social media habit, too, as I need not compare my life with others. This is my life right now. Today is hard. Tomorrow will be better.

Love & Light ~

L. x

My Son’s Challenge: No More Social Media

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So my fifteen-year-old son says to me earlier this week, while watching a tapped recording of Bill Gates and Warren Buffet chatting about success and the importance of reading: “I think I’m going to take a year off.” Earlier that afternoon he had been watching a video about how the brain works and how to strengthen it, you know, during his break from homework. It’s only the second day of school, so I’m thinking he means, after graduating from high school, he’ll take a gap year, like some of his friends in London do.

“Where do you want to go?” I ask.

He looks up with a smirk.

“Off social media. Think about how much more productive I’ll be. You’d be.”

Wait, what? I’m hearing this from my snap-chat addicted teen? Ok, that is all I need to hear. I. AM. IN. Starting Monday, August 28, 2017, my son and I will no longer be scrolling feeds or posting pics and checking who ‘liked them’. Not even to promote my classes or my articles. Nope. Not even to brag about my sons. Not even to say happy birthday. (Sorry buds, I wish you happy days, but not via a written message on Facebook or Instagram, for the next year anyway.) I’ll still write here in my blog and will update my yoga class schedule and may publish a few scenes from chapters of my latest book.

But my son is right. We both spend too much time online. He snapchats like mad, the minute he’s in the car, even while walking to the dinner table. And I spend far too much time on traditional social media when I need to focus more on what I’m trying to manifest: getting my next novel edited and getting both books published. My yoga classes are also my passion, (I’m such a Gemini) and I need both the silence and writing and the rigorous exercise  in a room full of yogis to keep myself sane and able to deal with the heavy demands of being a full-time single mom. I really don’t have the time to get side-tracked by seeing pictures of what friends are doing, sometimes creating anxiety within me about what I am not doing. Everything is happening exactly as it is supposed to, even when it feels overwhelming. Especially then. Social media makes me question that and waste time when I could remain fired up about my life and my goals and reaching them.

While I was in Greece earlier this month, hosting my first yoga & writer’s retreat, I nearly finished my 3rd novel. Wifi was iffy and I focussed on writing and yoga every day. I had no desire to scroll feeds. But I was also not working at the yoga studio, schlepping to schools or soccer practices or taekwondo or grocery shopping or cooking or cleaning. It was a luxury to have so much time. Coming back has hit me hard. But there are so many ways to cultivate and manage time. Dropping social media may just be my, and my son’s, ticket.

According to SocialMediaToday.com, teens often spend 9 hours a day on social platforms, with 30% of all time spent online and 60% of social media time spent via a mobile device.

The average adult will spend nearly two hours (approximately 116 minutes) on social media everyday, which equates to a total of 5 years and 4 months spent over a lifetime. Experts expect that number to grow and add that “currently, total time spent on social media beats time spent eating and drinking, socializing, and grooming.”

Wow. Sad isn’t it? And that’s me. I may post a pic to promote a yoga class and then get sucked into my feed. I can lose track of time. Social media is soooo enticing isn’t it? Who doesn’t want attention or positive notes from friends? It provides another way of reaching out to, or attracting others too, which can be very addictive—especially for those of us who just don’t get out much.

But here’s the rub: when it becomes a big distraction, keeping me from my purpose or my focus, then it needs to go. At least for a year. All I know is that when I’m at the yoga studio or teaching a class and I have my phone off, I love how truly connected I feel to my yoga students and how much more alive and engaged I feel. True connections, real conversations, are what matter. If I better manage my time, my focus, my intentions, outside the studio, say when I’m spending time with my boys or writing, just think how different things can be? Who knows what I’ll accomplish this year off? Definitely my taxes. (I know, not very sexy, but hey, I don’t want to get arrested!) Perhaps I’ll write a 4th novel after editing and sending out my 3rd. I plan to add more yoga classes to my weekly schedule. I’d like to master holding a long handstand and paddle boarding, (if I can convince someone fun to teach me who can also help keep me warm, since the Pacific Ocean is TOO cold for me!) … And I need to take small get-a-ways over weekends, like camping with the boys when they don’t have soccer. A trip back to Hawaii, my happy place, would be amazing too. Most likely, I’ll go back to North Carolina with a UHAUL and bring back my mother’s piano I inherited and give dear friends and old neighbors who have lost a lot recently a very big hug.

My oldest son is planning on making straight As, even in his AP class, and learning more about investing while he makes small ventures into that world. He wants to play soccer more competitively on his club team and hopes to land an awesome girl (he’ll hate that I said it, but it’s true!) He will continue to perform in the symphony, playing violin and wants to also learn how to play piano, get his driver’s license and start a summer business for Manhattan & Hermosa Beach goers (details top secret!)  His energy is infectious.

My youngest son wants to compete in taekwondo and write and illustrate his own book about a robot to be published and given to his elementary school library. He also wants to camp out with me and maybe paddle board and see a dolphin or whale up close. 🙂 Both boys are hoping I’ll allow them to adopt a dog, that they’ll have to help walk. … So we’re all on board for this year off social media! Isn’t that a kick? Wish us luck!

If you’ve kicked social media, chime in with your thoughts. I can’t wait to see what this year has in store for us. And for those whose birthdays I miss online, happy birthday. 🙂 Family members who want pics of the boys, send me a text, call me, and pics will be coming your way!

I suddenly feel untethered. What a Cool feeling.

Love & Light ~

Laura x

 

Avoiding the Vacuum Syndrome

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The ‘vacuum’ is a syndrome. And I’m a magnet for it. Just ask my college BFF. She can tell you many stories about ‘girls night out’ that resulted in me getting sucked into this vortex by a man who needs a therapist to help him. It sort of goes like this: all the other girls are having fun at a bar, a party or a venue—giggling, talking with all the men who have flocked over, dancing, etc. At one point, someone in our group wonders, “Where’s Laura?” until they find me sitting at a corner table with the first man who introduced himself to me. I’ll have a panicky look on my face, that he clearly doesn’t notice. I’m desperate to get away, but am stuck in his mid-stream confessional rant. I am a magnet for TMI conversations with random strangers.

Now I know the only way to true intimacy, joy, and a real connection is through vulnerability—but Jiminy cricket, not in the FIRST encounter! Why is it that I’m the girl random men, at bars or events, or first dates, like to confess to? Why can’t I be that girl that fun men drag to the dance floor? Why can’t I be like my college roommate who always ended up meeting men who’d later take her to concerts, dancing, or to see comedians?  I’m the gal men want to take out to eat, or go on walks with and TALK. I mean, I have countless stories like this. I’ll go to a bar with friends to hear the local band and dance and instead, end up hearing about one man’s horrific child abuse; or another man’s endless thoughts of suicide after his divorce; or how another man just can’t get over the fact that his mother died of cancer 5 years earlier. These sort of deep convos happen within minutes of our meeting. Well, not always within minutes, but SOON after. I call it the vacuum syndrome because by the time I realize I’m in one of these situations, I have a hard time just getting up and leaving, as the man is typically mid-sentence about something horrifically sad and I feel bad for this person.

But the thing is, I need to feel bad for myself. I need to have more healthy fun in my life! I need more levity, more spontaneous dancing, more gut-hurting laughter. I need this sort of abusive encounter to stop. Especially now. I’m a single mother. So I take care of my sons 24/7. Even when I’m out, I wonder if the babysitter fed them well. Only during the 4 weeks they are with their Dad, do I get that mental vacation from responsibility and worry. I don’t need another drain to my energy or another person who needs a mother, therapist or savior. That needs to be clear.

My line of work is also very giving. As a therapeutic yoga teacher, I listen to others a lot. I can also feel their dis-ease and we talk about it and practice meditations that will help ease chronic pain, anxiety, fear and even combat cancer. I love what I do, and I love my boys and my life. But when I go out, I want to laugh, be silly and basically not be asked to listen to horrific tales as a bar-stool therapist.

Recently, a few girlfriends convinced me to do online dating. I don’t date the men I meet in my yoga classes, that would be unprofessional. And I don’t go out as much as I’d like, so meeting new people outside of my neighborhood or my circle is a challenge.

I naively thought this vacuum syndrome was over. I mean I live in sunny southern California where the skies are blue, the ocean is near and there are many playboys who want to stay young and play forever. But my recent parlay into online dating was disastrous. I mean, ridiculous. I should send each and every man I met for a date a bill for my services.

First, there was the man recently separated who went on and on and on and on about his ex. I told him to stop. Did he even read my online dating profile that said only to reach out if you want to try to make me laugh and lets not talk about exes? Um, clearly not. I ended up coaching this gentlemen and reminding him that his ex is the mother of his children. That it’s important to try to understand before being understood. To practice taking deep breaths and responding, rather than reacting, and to stop talking smack about her in front of their children. At the end of the date, that I cut short, he gave me a big bear hug and told me he loved me. YUP. I RAN to my car!

Then there was the guy who told me about horrific abuse by his father, toward him and his mother.  We had just ordered our meal. I had given up alcohol for lent, but was DYING for a drink as he spoke. I felt like an addict needing a fix. He just wouldn’t shut up. And he was beautiful. So damn beautiful. I remember just mentally drifting, so his voice sounded like Charlie Brown’s principal, wa wa wa wa wa wa wa. As I looked up at his gorgeous mouth I recall thinking: What a pity. If he could’ve just made me laugh, had a casual evening, I would be kissing those lips later. But NO, this former football player and model kept going on and on about how much his mother went through at the hands of his father, their divorce, being raised by a single mother—and then he started crying. Not just a little tear, FULL FORCE crying. Shoulders shaking the whole bit. “I’m so in awe of what you do. Single mothers are beautiful.” Um, OK. What the hell do I do with that? Again, what a pity. He drank an entire bottle of wine and most of the evening I barely got a sentence in, and when I did, it was to reassure him. He even told me a detailed story about a horrific rape he witnessed. I had to put my hands up and stop him. My stomach was turning. By the time we said goodbye, I had NO desire to kiss that man. No attraction to this gorgeous person. I drove home calculating the babysitter costs and feeling super drained and resentful.

Didn’t these men see my profile? In the headline, it clearly stated “Life can be too serious these days. Reach out if you can make me laugh or have a silly evening.”

There were a few other dates that were nearly as bad. So, the online profile is now down. The only reason I did this experiment was to get over someone, but instead, I ended up missing him even more. I miss silly energy. I miss laughing. I miss having someone need me as a woman, and not as a mother or a therapist. Single moms and yoga teachers give and give and give. I want someone to lift me up and not take care of me necessarily, but to add some lightness to my highly responsible world. Just because I’ve lived through a lot, doesn’t mean that I necessarily want to talk about it all the time, or marinate in deep heavy topics. There is a time and place for everything. These men need to contact a therapist, a counselor, a support group or come to one of my yin restorative yoga classes. But going out on a Saturday night, for me, needs to be light and fun.

For now, I’ll either stay in and binge on netflix comedies, or go to a friend’s hip hop dance class, or take paddle boarding lessons to hopefully play with some dolphins. If I meet someone doing things that make me smile, great. But I’m not going out of my way, paying for a sitter, to just get sucked into the vacuum any more!

Here’s to Healthy Love & LIGHT & SILLINESS this week. 🙂

L. XO

How Does IT Feel?

A few weeks ago a friend explained to me why she no longer modeled. She simply said: “I just don’t feel good when I do it.”

It was such a simple statement, yet  has stayed with me. How often do any of us ask ourselves how we feel about what we do, until we are bursting with negative feelings? Even then, I bet half of my female friends reading this typically just push aside the bad feelings due to obligation or fear. We stay in dead-end jobs with negative energy or abusive bosses, for instance, because we need the pay check and are afraid there won’t be something else out there. I get it. Or, we sometimes put up with abusive and disrespectful partners because we don’t want to be alone, or be that ‘single mom’ that we see rushing around and struggling financially.

 

Fear and anxiety, obligation and childhood programming can really get in the way of just knowing how we feel and then doing something to move away from a negative experience and towards a more positive one. What we focus on expands. It’s taken me a long time to trust the Universe enough to move towards what feels good. Maybe I didn’t think I deserved to feel good or to be treated with respect or to be nurtured? Maybe I just didn’t think I was allowed to ‘do what feels good’ for a living? It takes time to shift out of fear and into awareness—and even more time to shift into action. Yoga and meditation is what has helped me the most. I’ve written about that a lot. Here’s one story about the process of shedding trauma that leaves a watermark of crippling fear. ( The Science Behind Sanskara )

After shedding some fear and embracing who I am and what I have been through, I’ve been able to shift into allowing myself to ‘feel good’ and not just ‘do good’ & ‘be good’ & please everyone else. It’s hard to make this shift, especially as a southern woman and a mother. I think many of us women are programmed to be good moms, good wives, good friends and daughters and to serve, serve, serve to the point that we no longer even know what feels good because we are so busy helping others. Balance is key. Knowing I, and you, are worthy, allows us to seek that balance. Yoga has helped to release super heavy memories and scars and to lighten up. I’m still in that process of recognizing what feels good and what doesn’t feel good. So here is a list of some of what I’ve been processing and what the Universe is sending me through ‘teachers.’ The Italics are how I am responding or not responding, yet shifting mentally.  I share to be of service.

Someone being disrespectful. I lean away. No need to even explain myself or engage. I Float toward those who UPLIFT & SUPPORT.

When someone ignores me or is neglectful. I no longer try to reach out & am not available the second they are demanding & ‘need me.’.

When someone makes fun of what really matters to me. Next. Don’t even engage. 

When someone lies to me. No time for more of that in my life. That phase is OVER.

When someone is abusing substances & is no longer a safe, reliable or loving friend. I don’t own their issue and I don’t need to fix them or even be there for them. 

When someone is pushy and tries to force me to do something that clearly benefits them, that I don’t want to do. Sorry, it’s just not for me.

When someone is being manipulative and trying to make me feel sorry for them so I will continue to ‘help’ them, even though they know I’m strapped for time as a full time single mother who is working:  Instead of being resentful I just mentally drop this person and explain to them:  “I hear you, but I’m really swamped right now. “

When what someone says isn’t backed up by their actions—like a man who says he loves me & is my boyfriend, and then disappears for weeks at a time, not even texting or responding to a text; or the friend or family member who says they are always there for me, but never has time to chat or call me back when I finally muster up the courage to call—Your actions matter. I send you all love and wish you well, but this doesn’t feel good. I deserve to be treated with kindness and with respect. I love you. I know you’re wounded. I see your closed heart. I feel your fear. But these things I do not own. You own these. I’ve worked through my own. I wish things were different, but they aren’t. Good bye. Be well. I now float towards what feels good. 

When someone doesn’t want to listen to me. Ever: I stop trying. I recognize that this is what I grew up with. This is what I felt in my marriage. This is a pattern that must stop by letting go. If I can always find time to listen & ‘try to understand before being understood,’ the right friends, lovers, family,  will emerge who can find time to do the same. The Universe responds when I visualize supportive, nurturing people flowing in and stop expecting those to  give, who just can’t.

When someone is judgmental and makes assumptions about me and pushes their ‘religion’ or assumes I ‘do’ or ‘believe’ something harmful: My GOD is LOVE. I love you enough to respect your choices, please respect mine. If this doesn’t work, I drift away with love for this learning experience as I must be authentically and unapologetically myself.

 

If you liked this post, check out these!
Manifesting B A L A N C E = More Play

YOU are the PATH: Loving from the Inside OUT

Struggling to Surrender to What IS

Still Sleep-Training??

A friend saw this video and sent it to me today. It was a wake-up call as life isn’t THAT much better since being given a sleep therapist. Four and a half years ago I was on the Dr. Drew‘s Life Changer’s show because a producer read this blog and saw that I was struggling to get my baby to sleep on his own. Struggling was an understatement. Maybe you can relate?? Dr. Drew hired a sleep consultant and gave me this gift. She did help, temporarily. My son is strong willed and screamed and screamed and kept my older son up. It did die down, but was SO hard. A few years ago I hired a nutritionist to help us as well, as she thought it was tummy upset from gluten allergies. Well, that helped a little, but not a lot, if I’m honest. When I think back to all the years when my son was always yelling and screaming and overcome with dramatic fits over bedtime…no wonder I turned to yoga! lol.

 

I’m sure it was my fault for giving in before the 3 week mark of letting his scream it out. I think single parents often over-compensate and snuggle a bit more with their kiddos or do the family bed thing for a lot longer than necessary just due to guilt, being over-tired, or just the need to get in more closeness if working too much away from the home. My James, now 8, still races down to my bedroom some nights, but it’s not a daily gig. Thank God for little miracles! He still insists that I snuggle in his bed (which I don’t mind!), read a book and then listen to soft music with him. We sometimes do deep breathing and always say our ‘gratefuls’. We have a routine. And I’ve put in star shows, twinkle lights, a range of soothing spa-like music and it’s still hit or miss as to whether he’ll be asleep by 9 p.m. on school nights. Sometimes it’s 10 p.m.after he’s gotten out and in bed over and over.

Seriously?

So, I think my friend sent me this video to remind me to toughen up. It’s time for life to get more organized and allow me more me time. My little guy has a safe and cozy room and a mom and big brother who love him. The energy is positive and loving in our house…so basically, he’s milking it! At 8 years of age, shouldn’t he be in bed by 8 p.m. and asleep lights out by 8:30 p.m. sharp every night? Any ideas on motivation? I’ve done star sheets, Taekwondo awards, allowances…what works for you? Seriously, I’d love to know, as this single mom needs her little guy in bed, lights out by 8:30 every night so I can be more productive and maybe chill a little in the evenings. 🙂

I look forward to your thoughts!! And, thanks for chiming in.

L. xo

Navigating Joy & Sorrow in the Labyrinth

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Last night I had a gold thread dream. It’s this lucid dream that sometimes happens with me. I let it. I’m aware, yet the gold thread keeps creating a scene for me. I am not in control and I can ask questions as it keeps moving, sending me a message. Bare with me. I’m not on drugs or was drunk! 🙂  So, this enormous maze or labyrinth was being formed. As it was being formed, it was like I was in it.  Then we rose high above it, reminding me of the labyrinths I saw in Peru, except this one was much larger. I could see the formation that was intricate. I could also see a bus or large image enter it. This image just kept moving and trying to navigate its way through. We were watching, like spirit guides, hoping for the best.

The night before I had dreamed of a friend who just stopped, he decided to check out. Literally, a cash register drawer opened and closed shut as he faded away. He was going to talk with me, then walked away, like walking away from life. I woke up at 4 a.m. frightened for him.

In the labyrinth dream last night, I realized that this symbol was for all of us. It is the quintessential image for life. How we all must navigate our way through dark times to the light and how these times will continue to fluctuate. It’s our ability to keep going, to keep taking baby steps forward—even when we are lost or alone or without any encouragement or faith—that matters in the end. Who musters up the courage to keep going? Who asks for help or reaches out? Who sinks into despair or hides under a mask of false pretenses in fear of letting others know they are struggling too, until their ‘hidden’ struggles manifests in addiction or illness or some other outlet to fill the gaping hole? I know, I’ve been there.

As the gold thread dream started to move, I began to wonder if the person, or persons, in the maze or intricate labyrinth would get stuck? Like Harry Potter’s maze, once inside the high dark hedgerows, without the perspective above to see how it would end, would the person just sink in despair? Taking baby steps forward with blind faith and no real indication that I’m on the right path, is hard for me. Mostly on weekends, after a long work week and without breaks from kiddos, I can sink a bit. Even with the tools that I’ve found, such as mediation and yoga, just the months on with the kiddos and long work demands can leave me drained and a bit blue. Loneliness can sink in on weekends too, even when I’m enjoying hanging with the kids. I admit that I miss the husband best friend thing, of hanging out after the boys go to bed. I don’t miss the ex, just the feeling of having that best friend to chat with. But if I focus on what I don’t have, I tend to lose grip of what I DO have. And I know that. That’s when I have to be ever mindful to just rise out of my little maze of looping thoughts to garner perspective. To realize that my situation won’t last forever. That I’ll find the me-time again, that I’ll find the time to finish my book, that I’m just in a hectic full-time solo parenting and working period in my life with little time for a social life. But it won’t last forever. And I do have beautiful yogis and friends at work who I adore. I am lucky that where I work and what I do is so enjoyable and fills me with purpose. So I mentally need to take a break through 10 to 15 minutes of mediation daily in order to rise up above the dark corridors of my daily looping thoughts or dark lonely moments, to garner perspective.

harrys-maze

Once I have perspective, I can then re-engage and start taking those baby-steps to navigate my way through those pathways again. The lucid dream, like the native indian myth of the hopi man in the maze, was a reminder to me that life is meant to be a challenge. All lives have turbulence. Most people experience sorrow, loss, disappointment, frustrations, and sometimes senseless violence. It’s hard to just keep going in dark times. Isn’t it easier to just sink and say ‘I give up,” get cynical and start thinking ‘what’s the point?’ or ‘why bother?’ But that’s exactly what I have to fight against and picture a positive end result, like a professional athlete visualizes the win. Maybe my end result is just big picture items, like more joy, more love, more time to write, more time to travel…so I just keep going, visualizing that they all start flowing in and getting on my path. And when I’m back in that faithful zone, synchronicity begins: I meet that new friend who is on the same path as me, or that creative opportunity opens up, or that person who supports my vision gives me support that lifts my mood for weeks. It happens and is happening. I remind myself of these amazing synchronicities when I feel blue.

Keep the faith people. (I say this to myself too.) And to my friend, you know who you are, what did Khalil Gibran say? “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” I’m here for you.

L. x

Seven Year Anniversary

I received this notice today that seven years ago I registered this blog on WordPress. SEVEN years. Wow. How much have I learned since that day? How much more do I still have to learn, might be the better question, lol! Seven years ago, January 2010. Wow, what a mess. I was the epitome of the southern mantra: ‘fake it till you make it.’ I was sleep-walking through life with an often-sick baby and an 8 year old solo. My husband and I separated October of 2009, but honestly, he had been flying back and forth to Europe since our baby was 5 months old and gone 2 weeks a month anyway. He had been gone long before his physical, permanent presence. I was just catching up to that fact. And, I was trying as hard as I could to not fall apart or fall into despair and bitterness. I found out in October of 2009 he had a double life and a girlfriend in Europe who had been traveling with him to exotic locales across the globe while I was at home with a colicky baby and another son to raise. Enter months of therapy and going back and forth between trying to stay married and rediscovering he still had this girlfriend when he was away—I landed smack into the realization that I was a door mat and just kept clicking a rewind button that propelled me into yet another betrayal heartbreak moment. After three of those events that landed me at 90 pounds and barely functional, our therapist demanded that my ex finally stop swinging between two women and ‘killing’ me. So he left Dec. 26, 2009, after a pretend family Christmas with a lot of phone calls from the girlfriend. Because I’ve been a journalist since I was 18, and writing has always helped me find clarity, I started this blog. But I didn’t actually post a public post until much later. My first post was when my youngest was 2, so I had been a FT single mom for over a year with maybe three weeks off. The post wasn’t very personal, as perhaps I was afraid to BE personal during the middle of a divorce, but it was accurate. It was about mental fatigue and inspired by a New York Times article. I re-read it today and it’s still very current for me. Here it is: BrainDrain.

Seven years later, I still have many moments of brain drain. I needed to re-read the advice list in this old post, as I still do not follow all of it. Brain drain is very real for single parents, as it stems from making too many decisions. Do any of you feel it? I notice that being the sole care-taker and the sole-decision maker for two humans without a break, is exhausting. EVEN when I teach yoga and do yoga. EVEN when I get a good night’s sleep. Things slip. EVEN when I input as many items into my calendar as possible, emergencies pop up and I’m the only one to handle them. (sickness, someone forgetting their lunch, a game getting cancelled, so I have to leave work early to pick up…)

And don’t get me started on dating. The woman who has her kids full time is treated very differently by men. EVEN by the men who fall in love. Yes, even them. They run away or try to completely control me and change me or my parenting style.  (Example of disrespecting family time with the boys, by calling during dinner, or before bedtime and trying to get me to leave them home alone, yet again, to come over at the last minute.) Some are just not for me, they party too much, drink too much and are not good for my boys, so I don’t go out with them. And some don’t want the ‘responsibility’ that dating someone like me seems to imply, so they try to get me open to booty calls, friends with benefits kind of deal so there’s no obligation or need to truly try to connect. I walk away.  Or they don’t want to compete for my limited amount of time, as the ones I’ve known want me, and only me, and nothing to do with the children. It’s exhausting. I’ve finally stopped trying. I’ve stopped dating altogether. I’m focussed on my yoga, writing my next book and my boys. My boys have only met one man in seven years and that was after we were very serious. My boys come first. They are not a liability. They are the best people I know and I adore them. They have probably saved me from disastrous men. Anyone who would be a bad influence on them, is a no bueno for me. So, dating is easier and harder post divorce. It’s easier because the boys come first and I can quickly see who isn’t a good fit. It gets harder because I just don’t have the time or resources to hire sitters and go out on many blind dates. I’m opting out for now. And that’s okay.

So when a friend, who has only been separated one year, asked me this question a few weeks ago: “When does it get easier?” I didn’t know how to respond. Here’s my attempt:

It gets easier and it gets harder.

It gets easier when the love you had for your ex mutates into a distant brotherly kind of love created out of forgiveness and a willingness to move forward with friendship and gratitude for what is working in whatever type of co-parenting role that evolves.

It gets easier when you start to get to know yourself better and start to explore exactly what interests you. (This is especially true for those givers who try and try to be what their partner wants for years.) So now I unapologetically follow my heart: my yoga, meditation classes, my writing, my photography, my love for music and traveling the way I want to with no need to justify why I’m just not the party girl who loves Vegas, you know? I’m the gal who went to Peru & Spain & Italy & Prague solo. I hiked. I went to ballets, I went to museums, I toured, I lived on a rooftop for a week. I camped. I wrote. I did yoga. That’s more my speed.

It gets easier when you learn to respect yourself and your needs. But this is where it can get harder for the full-time, sole custody parents too. Once you realize your needs, your wants, trying to find acceptance in not getting them met on a weekly basis, is a challenge. With only 4 weeks off a year, every weekend I can fall into a pity-party if I don’t do something for myself. So, I find strategies to give back to me, like hiring a sitter so I can veg and write or go for a run, or get a drink with a friend…I also plan vacations for the few weeks off I get each year. Even if I decide to take them solo, I always meet amazing people on tours and I’m blessed to do exactly what it is I want to do and explore on holiday.

It gets easier when you begin to trust your inner voice, your inner guide, your abilities. I now know that I can juggle parenting, finances, dinners & my work & vacation planning & all that life throws at me while raising two kiddos solo. It’s not easy, but when married, I doubted just about all of my abilities. Now I have more confidence.

It’s gets easier because I’m too busy to engage in drama. I just don’t have time or interest in anything that doesn’t lift another person up. It’s that simple. Anyone who is rude to a waiter, yells at or about another human being, lies, cheats, constantly points out the negative in others, gets hysterical and rants, abuses substances,  etc.  is just not what I want to engage into my life. Of course, drama happens, even within our closest circles, so I try to be kind to myself when it happens, detach, pause, reflect first before responding and then connect to Source for guidance in what I need.

It gets easier because I now value my time more and have learned to set boundaries. Givers attract takers. It’s a universal law. So all the requests of my time, when I’m already drained, are no longer a struggle for me. I only have so much to give. If I don’t give to myself, I’m not valuing myself. I no longer feel the need to give or be there for everyone who calls hysterically or ‘needs’ me instantly. I have to take care of myself, and I still don’t always do it. I’m a work in progress. I work too hard. I do too much. I don’t always remember to eat or take my vitamins, for instance. I have no business trying to help everyone else if the oxygen mask isn’t on me first. So, I’ve learned a lot about how I used to be too giving. Too forgiving. Too easily swayed to volunteer or give more of my time than was good for my health. I’m trying to strike a balance now.

So I’ll end with this final thought for my friend venturing into divorce. Having the rug pulled out from under you with a sudden separation or betrayal may land you on your ass, that’s for sure, but it’s a position with nothing left to lose. You can only look up from there, right? Why not write that novel? Why bother with someone negative or controlling? Why not hike Machu Picchu? It’s also a spot where it becomes easier to let go of expectations and to challenge yourself to become a better you: more mindful, more present, more patient, more joyful, more playful, ever-evolving.  And that’s something to celebrate.

As always, thanks for reading my meandering prose.

With gratitude,

Laura

 

Lessons from a Frustrating Day

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photo by @rickylesser

When everything goes wrong, God is still Good.

God is indifferent, but not uncaring.

The dolphins still play, the sun still sets, the stars still shine, even if I can not see them.

There are trails to hike, trees to climb, clouds to dream under, even if I can not find the time.

When someone steals from me, God is still Good.

If fires rage, God did not cause them.

If he never calls again, God is not to blame. And I am still enough.

We are all in this together. The one who steals from me, the one who abandons me, and the ones who lift my spirits. We are all God’s children. We are all each others teachers.

When everything goes wrong, God is still Good.

There is much to learn. How did I respond when I didn’t get my way? How did I shake or tremble or shut down by another’s hurtful behavior or frightening choices? Did I stay graceful when speaking my truth?  Can I find gratitude or a lesson within what feels like a never-ending chaos of activity and whirlwind of needs to be met? Did I pause at the end of the day and reflect with kindness? Can I still embrace forgiveness? Can you?

I have much to learn. I am grateful to be able to keep going. It is a miracle I can fall asleep knowing that no matter what happens to me, or to you, God is still Good. Love is still alive. I detach and focus on Love.