I took this picture just before sunset last night, July 4th. I felt such a pang of sadness just before taking this shot—as I miss my boys tremendously. The night before, I woke up at 1 a.m., dying to talk with them, and went outside and tried to call my oldest. When there was no answer, I sat on the steps and listened to the insanity of the loudest cricket orchestra on the planet. Tuscan crickets remind me of hecklers at a Yankees game. They seemed to be screaming at me: ‘Suck it up! Be a big girl!’ Anyway, it worked. I said a prayer that my boys are happy, lifted it up to the heavens, and went back to bed.
I’m learning that letting things go is a process. It doesn’t just happen when one day you decide that it’s a good thing to do. There are habits of behavior and longings and regrets that just don’t die away the moment you want them to. The boys and I will no longer have in-tact family vacations. Mommy and Daddy, after 2.5 years of separation, are nearly divorced. And as I spend time with my boyfriend’s children, who are adorable, I recognize their own longing and sadness that they try to hide. Family vacations always brings up the past. My goal is to be able to fondly recall past memories of our in-tact family holidays, and to be able to create and embrace new ones with a multi-family dynamic. I’m striving to move towards acceptance of my situation and to make peace with where I am. With each picture I shoot, and with each family dinner, I wish I could share it with my boys. But I have to let it go. I’ll be back with them in August and thank God I spend most rest of the year with them!
Long time no read but I wanted to comment on this. BTW, what a lovely picture! I am soooo lusting to get out of the USofA. Glad to see you are living life! And a boyfriend as well…lucky girl!
On topic….I totally know the look the kids have. I joined a single mom’s groups and the kids there all had the look. It’s why I haven’t gone back since the first time. It hurts too much to see it in my own. The vacation changes are very difficult for me as well. In fact, my daughter always says that she feels so disconnected from my life when she comes back from her time with the ex. So much happens when they are away from us.
On the other hand, this is life as we know it now. Make the absolute best of your life and enjoy yourself in the moment! The children adjust and end up doing better than us with living in the moment. You will be the only one at some point that is tortured by their absence. Trust me….I know firsthand, lol. Eat gelato twice daily( I did and didn’t gain a pound with all of the walking I did). Read a good novel at sunset. Watch the sun rise over the hills and breathe the air. Do yoga, stretching or just breathing and meditating in the morning light. Take pictures of the simple things. Stand in the middle of the local piazza and take it all in detail for detail and take pictures of all that speaks to you.
Hugs fellow single mommy
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply!! Can you believe I’ve been here 6 days and haven’t had gelato yet?? I’ll remedy that soon. I will definitely do some yoga and stretching later, not much walking as it’s so hot in Tuscany, but so beautiful that it hardly matters. I’m grateful to be here, just miss my boys. Lots of love, L. x