I’ve been under the weather, so has my oldest for weeks. Also slammed with deadlines and an inability to completely get through some fears that linger. (Two steps forward, one back.) I will start my project soon and continue with this blog, regardless of pressure to stop. In a way, I’m waiting to truly emerge again after events from the New Year. There is so little we can control in life, except the way we live. It reminds me of a Jackson Browne line: “Nothing Survives, but the Way We Live Our Lives.”
Anyway, this week I’m feeling down and a bit defeated by things out of my control. I’ll have to not let them hold me back permanently. The year started out so amazing, however. I spent New Years week on a cruise watching a man emerge into grace. (Emerge seems to be my word for the evening, bare with me.) I watched him take care of his father who took a dramatic turn for the worse. With humor and compassion, he took such amazing around-the-clock care of his father without one word of complaint. I don’t know if I could be as strong or as graceful in the same circumstances. And, by the end of the cruise, his adorable father was much better. But even at his worst, the 80-year-old man had me laughing and wishing I could be so much fun to be around when I felt like crap. It was a reminder to me of what is important. I’ve had so many reminders in my life so far, that I wonder why I seem to keep needing them? And while I’ve been pondering so many of life’s lessons, I guess right now I’m focussed on one: sometimes, protecting those we love, or ourselves, takes a bit of courage. So, in a muddled hour tonight, as I wrestle with sinus headache, heartache, and so many thoughts, I ran across this old post from a fellow blogger:
“when I decided to give up what I thought was right for me and truly let go of the sadness in the past, did things come together for me. I have read many books about “letting go” of the things that have hurt us and focus on present circumstances-quite frankly I thought this was a bunch of made up feel good nonsense. But it was only when I stopped holding on and gave up feeling rotten, opened up my mind and heart, did things really start to happen for me”
I couldn’t agree with her more. (Read her post She Never Saw It Coming.)
My problem isn’t that of letting go of the past and moving forward—but just in the confidence necessary to keep moving forward regardless of where that leads. I’ll just add the caveat that focussing on present circumstances can only be helpful if those circumstances aren’t mired with toxic distractions so you can go where you need to go. Phew, too heavy, right? I’m taking a short time out, or a breather, to listen, watch, gain a bit of strength and re-emerge.
Good night all. I’ll be back in better form soon. x
Your wonderfully honest post, and your use of the word EMERGE, reminds me of a chapter of my life. When I first learned to flyfish, I studied different kinds of flies that resemble natural invertebrates or other food organisms to provoke the fish to strike. One group of flies, called “emergers” are weighted, cocoon-like “things” that resemble embryonic flies which fish particularly like. Emergers (the real organisms, not the flies) slowly rise as they mature, until they arrive on the surface to be dried in the sunlight, sprout wings and fly away. My story is metaphorical, of course, but I bet it’s just a matter of time until you take flight!